


Beneath the covers

by yoonki_boonki



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Bullying, Childhood Friends to Lovers, Choi Soobin Is Bad At Feelings, Depression, Dreams, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Healing, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Nightmares, Pining, Secrets, Strangers to Lovers, Students, bed sharing, beomgyu best boy, coming to terms with sexuality, everything is different than it seems, hand holding, hueningkai is just vibing, musician beomgyu, musician yeonjun, past trauma, slowburn, soobin is a baby but hes not ready to talk about it yet, soobin needs to get his shit together, sookai best friends, whipped beomgyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:47:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 78,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24527869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoonki_boonki/pseuds/yoonki_boonki
Summary: In the morning sun, he glistened like a mirage, driving him insane.In the afternoons, he turned warm and tangible,but during the night his embrace was hot, burning the untouched.Now Soobin was left wonderingif by the time the morning came back around and everything became clear,Yeonjun would turn into that mirage again.orA story about a hushed reality and vivid delusions.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin & Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 125
Kudos: 243





	1. sunray bunnies are a shocking contrast to nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> /3rd of october 2020/this chapter is half way edited, im going through the first chapters and fixing them up a bit as my writing improved midway this au. u can still read this but youll be able to tell a slight switch at one point tho my readers who have been here since day one didnt complain so maybe im just being a perfectionist??? asdfghj anyways.......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, let me say this au does contain a lot of sensitive topics like bullying and detailed nightmares so please be careful! 
> 
> HUGE HUGE THANK YOU for the amazing artist who drew this beautiful artwork of my Soobinie and Yeonjunie. It is absolutely amazing, I love it! Please make sure to check out their Instagram account @fricaterpillar , you will not be disappointed

Soobin wasn't quite sure when it started - the itch behind his fingernails, the sleep terrors, and the empty cups collecting dust, life forms, and growing civilizations littered around his bed. Has he even changed his socks this week? Staring into the ceiling of his empty room, he found peace in the sounds surrounding him; cars passing by, dogs barking in the distance, and his cassette player broadcasting a recording of an old man with a rusty voice narrating his favourite children's bedtime stories. Soobin knew them all by heart at this point.

First, the mermaid falls in love and fails to use the fork correctly; the rest is boring and predictable. Second, the wolf just wants to eat; Soobin knows from experience that there are enough pigs in this world for three of them missing to cause an issue. He has started skipping this tale as of lately. And third, the ugly duckling grows up to become a beautiful swan appreciated and loved by the other birds. This one wasn’t too bad; it made Soobin smile from time to time.

Don't get him wrong, though. Choi Soobin was not a child; nor was he a young angsty teen going through his difficult phase. He was, in fact, a 19-year-old young man laying in a heavily pillowed bed with light blue floral bed sheets wondering if maybe this time the small duckling will at least flip off the other animals before hiding away. Soobin was a young man who hadn't been feeling like himself lately; at least, that was what his mother has been telling him for the past two years. She would say so with a cheerful smile and eyes full of hope and love and ready to tear up at any given moment if the boy disagreed. And so, he never did. But maybe she was right.

Maybe one day Soobin will finally decide that life was about living it to the fullest, the sleeping pills will kick in and cure him of insomnia, his old friends will not only want to see him but also call him a hero, congratulating him for battling the demons living inside of his mind, and everything will go back to being normal. Or maybe it won't. If God ever decided to play a game of Bingo, filling the squares with all the scenarios Soobin had ever imagined as his possible future, that would be the first game in the history of the universe, God would lose- cause Soobin had none.

Soobin woke up at around ten am the next day, the sun already set high, mocking his still tired expression. A Tuesday. Not that it mattered. He climbed out of bed, rubbing fists against his eyes, ruffled his hair and stretched his stiff body to get out of the tension built up from sleeping.

Being an online student had its perks. There was no need to wake up early, to get out of his sweatpants or even his bed if he wasn't up for it. He could eat, lay down, do whatever he wanted while overlooking the assignments sent to his email, making his way through them slowly and carefully.

Soobin wouldn't go as far as to say he was an excellent student, but he has never been the worst. His grades were always decent, and he never had any issues with the teachers. He paid attention to class and made sure to submit the necessary papers in time- not that he had anything better to do anyway.

When Soobin was younger, around the age of fifteen to seventeen, he did go through a brief rebellious chapter of his life, but that never came close to influencing his very close to "good boy" reputation- only his way of dressing and the after school activities. He did his work, got positive results and went on with his life. Like breathing, he never thought much of it.

He wasn't feeling like doing any of it today, though.

The night terrors were a recent addition to his neverending sleeping complications as if the lack of sleep itself wasn't enough. The dreams weren't ridiculously detailed. They didn't contain an absurd amount of gore, didn't pick at the subconscious traumas he had collected and suppressed during his nineteen years of life. They were quite simple in theory, or so he tried to perceive them, ignoring the dull ache behind his skull telling him that perhaps it was more serious than he wanted to believe.

He had dreams of being strangled to death by his house plants, their vines wrapping around his body, not letting him move an inch, slowly cutting off oxygen, making his fingertips turn white and blue from despair.

Getting fish bones stuck in his throat and spending an eternity picking them out one by one, feeling the way they got caught up in the soft skin of his mouth.

Soobin had dreams of seeing the world from space, enjoying the hypnotic view from the window of a spaceship, counting the meteorites passing by only then to realise that he was utterly alone with no way of getting back home.

Some nights he woke up in cold sweat, others talking to himself in sleep, the least fortunate ones, he woke up feeling the pain of his jaw locking in place from grinding or clenching his teeth too hard. Sometimes the alarm clock was replaced by the sensation of his nails digging into his palms, leaving angry red crescent moon shaped marks. A reminder, a tiny gift from the moon itself. How lovely. Those were the things that made Soobin worn out the most.

After taking a cold shower and throwing on the first pair of clothes he could get his hands on, the boy decided that today might be the day to stack up on groceries, as his stock of instant noodles was starting to run low. With that thought in mind, Soobin left his apartment and made his way to a nearby convenience store.

Noodles, some canned fizzy drinks, a few fruits and the adventure was coming to an end. By the entry hung a small TV airing morning news, the sound turned off, a pop tune from a radio speaker playing over the images of a planned robbery. A small refrigerator drilling into Soobin’s head with a sound similar to white noise accommodating the feeling of dystopia a place like this provided. He was a regular, and the cashier gave him a faint head nod once noticing the boy at the end of the line. 

While everyone else was mostly at schools or their jobs, Soobin could let himself freely roam the city streets unbothered. It was not that he didn't like socializing- it was enjoyable. 

He liked talking to his parents on the phone, liked when Huening Kai came over a few times a month to check up on him, asking if he wanted to go out to which Soobin usually declined- though, sometimes the other boy would win and they'd grab street food and aimlessly stroll through the streets catching up on each other lives. Soobin liked when the lady living in the apartment next to his brought him warm homemade soup and called him handsome. He was just tired most of the time, and people demanded energy, that was all. 

The weather was nice today, not too breezy, not exactly warm either, the early sunlight rays were not yet powerful enough to heat the air. The boy found himself wanting to cherish that, deciding to head back home through a nearby park, making the walk a bit longer. He didn't do that often, but the winter frost had been merciless this year, so in a way, he felt like the spring needed its greeting. Plus, fresh air and all that. 

Soobin had both read and listened to quite a lot of fairy tales in his life, had watched a dozen films, animated movies, played video games, yet he had never even pondered on the idea that any of that could come to life.

Well, not in front of his eyes on a late Tuesday morning after he had just spent 10 minutes deep in thought, wondering if he should go for his regular ramen or the ones who were on sale that day, at least. Needless to say, he was stunned by the scene in front of him.

And if he had to be completely honest, Soobin felt like he was absolutely losing his mind. Was there a chance he had already lost it? That seemed to be the only logical explanation- the fact that he had chosen the noodles on sale rather than his usual, should have already been a sign, an indication of just that. What did he expect? How many nights could a person possibly lay awake unaffected until the night started creeping onto them in different ways, capturing not only the unconscious mind while the boy travelled through lands of dreams but also the while it was stirring the wheel while he was awake?

The first sign, the terrors, the second, the unexplainable (he wasn't ready to confront this yet) pull towards all things cute and calming,- yes, the bedsheets and the fairy tales grouped under this section. The third, the drowsiness and fatigue, the forth, the goddamned cup noodles, and the fifth, he was sure, hallucinations.

In the middle of the park dazzling in the sunlight was a small-scale pond, ducks begging for attention and bread crumbs adorning the place. A bit further around it dark wooden benches, currently empty, were placed by the pavement, dandelions starting to sprout in between the grass stems. It was a popular spot, but the timing of the day made it practically deserted, hence why Soobin's eyes automatically were drawn to the figure on the ground. Spread across the grass on his stomach innocently swinging his legs and looking down at what seemed to be a notebook, laid a blue-haired boy.

Soobin was fully aware that the world was a cruel place where opportunities got shattered and dreams dissolved into pure nothingness once almost reached. He had learned that there were many wishes left unfelt, only a distant memory after a while. But the thing that messed with Soobin’s present perception of reality was that he knew, for a fact, that no matter what age or gender a person was, no matter their hair colour or sexual orientation, the world was unfair to everyone in this matter- no one could shine. Shimmer, glitter, glow. Humans couldn't sparkle. Radiate colour. Right?

Yet there he was, unbothered by his own flickering white lights, little sunray bunnies jumping over his blue head and into the air. 

Madness.

"Umm, excuse me?" His hallucination was now looking directly at him. Had he been staring? "Can I, uh, help you with something?" The boy sounded amused, a faint smile and a raised single eyebrow present on his face. He carried glitter in his eyes as well, so it seemed. Was this a joke? 

Soobin couldn't believe the things he was seeing, his mind struck to a halt, but he knew he had to act fast. "Oh, I- I was just wondering if you won't get sick laying on the ground like that, you know? The weather hasn't got that warm yet, the spring's been approaching us quite slowly this year, haha," was it obvious how flustered he felt? "And I'm sure the soil is still cold and like, you know," a pause, "Not the best for this type of activity?" it came out more like a question, an unsure one on top of that. 

He was talking more with his hands than anything, gesturing, hoping it would distract the listener from his words. Good one, Soobin.

“You’re worried about me?” the latter chuckled, and Soobin opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. The boy sat upright, closing the notebook and turning his full body towards the flushed cheeked young man in front of him, clearly still amused. "Are you new around here or am I mistaken? I've never seen you before," he asked, eying Soobin up and down until their eyes met- two curious dark browns gazing up at two lighter frightened ones. 

“Why would you have?”

“Some things are hard not to notice, they call out to you.”

Soobin hadn’t known it was possible to choke on air. The mystical being sitting in the grass didn't seem much older than the boy himself, if his physical form wasn't a lie, of course. He looked smaller though, framed by pointed shoulders and long legs covered in black, tight jeans. 

If Soobin had to guess, he would say the other was a fox spirit, a gumiho with sharp eyes, provoking whoever dared to look into them for more than a single moment, a narrow face, full lips and caramel coloured skin. _Beautifully intimidating_ must be written at least once in the blue-haired boy's passport. At least once on every page. All capital letters. Screw it, Soobin thought, add a disclaimer somewhere in there as well: BEWARE: might put a spell on you. Side effects include the infamous _12 years old having his first crush_ syndrome- restless, sweaty palms and a trembling voice. You WILL make a fool of yourself. Be careful.

Yet there he was, somehow soft, and giving Soobin now an almost pleading look.

Soobin shook his head in confusion, "You go around a lot? You're some kind of cream of society?" 

The boy laughed a gentle, airy laugh at that, "Far from it, I just know a lot of people who know even more people. You mind joining me or you got somewhere else to go?" the latter patted the space next to him, gaze still on Soobin, inviting. 

"Sorry, I kind of have to get going," the boy quickly answered, tilting his chin up and down, agreeing to himself like a broken alarm that needed encouragement for it to go off. "Quite busy today."

It wasn’t that Soobin didn't like socializing, it was nice. It was just that he was tired and people, he guessed fox spirits as well, demanded energy- that was all.

"Have a nice day, be careful not to catch a cold," Soobin said with a slight polite smile, before resuming his way back home, walking past the boy still seated in the grass. If he was letting go of his only chance to spend time with a magical being, further proving that he has lost his mind, so be it. He was going to regret it another day. 

"Hey, wait, wait -" the blue-haired boy grabbed Soobin’s hoodie from the back, pulling him to a stand. "I'm Choi Yeonjun, by the way, it was nice to meet you. I, uh, hope we can maybe run into each other another time when you're more open to talking," the boy, now Yeonjun, still giving him a look full of purpose added. "That is if you would like that." 

He was standing right beside him, and he was... He was covered in innumerable specks of confetti scattered all over his hair and clothes, sparkling in the daylight, giving him the mystical look that had lured the latter in. 

Perhaps Yeonjun was real and not a hallucination made by a restless mind begging for sleep. His fingers twisted in Soobin’s hoodie, holding him back, seemed real enough, and the way Yeonjun’s lips parted while he looked at Soobin, were definitely real as well, and definitely something Soobin will need to think about later. Or rather try not to.

"Oh, yeah, for sure," was all he managed to answer. At least Soobin thought so- his hearing muted while his body picked up speed without his acknowledgement, hastily bringing him through the park and back to his apartment building.

Soobin had a full-body floor mirror in the corner of his room. He didn't use it much, as the sight of himself reflected on its surface wasn't the most pleasurable one, but there he was, sitting on the floor right in front of it, holding up the cup noodles in one hand and chopsticks in the other, staring at himself while he ate the king worthy meal.

Soobin knew he wasn't unattractive. When he had just grown into the graceless teenage years, he often got asked out on dates. Even had a lovely girlfriend for a few months before she decided that her true passion was polyamory. It wasn't quite Soobin’s cup of tea, so they decided to break up after that.

But the girl was pretty, gorgeous even. Big doe eyes, thick silky hair always tied up in a low ponytail. She used to hold his hand and tell him about how one day she would become the greatest chemist in the world. Win a bunch of Nobel prizes and then disappear, wrapping her life in mystery in the eyes of others. She was a charming person, probably still was.

Soobin has always been too tall for his own good, broad and with a good posture. He liked to think he has a friendly face, a kind smile and eyes, trustworthy. Not the masculine type, as his mother had told him. Dark brunette hair brushed away to the sides of his face.

Perhaps he has let himself fade away a little bit. His hair seemed a bit too long now, his skin not exactly pale but not close to the rich milky colour it used to be. His fingers scrawny and dark circles decorating the thin shin under his eyes, demanding attention. He wouldn't dare to compare himself to a glimmering fox spirit- still, the lady next door called Soobin handsome, and he wanted to believe her.

Soobin would be lying if he said the short encounter with the blue-haired Yeonjun hadn't left any footprints in his mind. That day, he thought about the latter while doing his schoolwork, remembered the sunray bunnies jumping all over him, the confetti, while he stared into nothingness, following his routine. Soobin even let himself wonder why the boy seemed interested in seeing him again but justified it as politeness. It was the first time in a long while anyone had shown any interest in him, plus, the latter was a character on his own, creating a bright memory only after a brief minute of interaction. Has Soobin become lonely? He doesn't let himself explore the idea of that, though.

The rest of the day went by as per usual- he finishes up all the work, sends it to the teachers, eats some more and then plays video games while the night slowly starts to slip through the open window of his single bedroom living space. 

_____

Soobin woke up at around four am, then five, then five-thirty.

When he closes his eyes, he finds himself in Hong Kong running through the streets filled with small vendors from all sides, navy blue flashing before him. Then in Madrid, listening to cars honking and buskers playing their last songs. He travels all over the world effortlessly at the speed of light, yet the more he sees, the more he visits, the more he wishes it all would end.

Rust-covered busses filled with people with emptiness instead of a face, his own melting away like candle wax, dripping down his neck into his lap. The temperature in his body rising.

The people he meets during the travel are even less than nothing and no-one, yet somehow, they're all staring at him, reaching for his shoulders, picking at him like his fleeting self is the only answer for their emptiness. Their saving grace. As long as Soobin is melting away, losing himself in front of them, their harsh nails don't have a reason to reach for their own rotten flesh. A saviour, a sacrifice, a distraction.

He seems to be everywhere and with everyone, while he doesn't want to be anywhere- Soobin just wants to be alone. 

Cold sweat. Five fifty. 

Soobin eyed his eyes to a cage. Locked behind bars in a room absent of light, he sits on his knees, hands tied together behind his back, and it hurts. The nylon ropes cut into his skin, drawing out blood. He screams, cries, begs for mercy, but there is no sound. He is alone. 

Arm tension. Six twenty-five am. 

\-----

The rest of the week went by as per usual.

He woke up, took a shower, sometimes waddled his way to the grocery store, came home, occasionally facetimed his parents, asking about their day. He did his schoolwork, played a match or two of video games and spent the nights listening to the old man's voice, cursing at the moon watching it all go down night after night.

On Sunday Huening Kai had called asking if he could pay a visit, and Soobin agreed.

Kai might have been two years younger than him but somehow he has never failed to understand Soobin’s thought process, offer his own opinion and add to the conversations. No matter if the topic at hand had been about best gummy candy, bee puns or possible alien invasions during the next decade- Kai had the answers Soobin loved hearing. He was funny and definitely above average when it came to intelligence, the boy knew it himself, in love with hearing praise from whoever was ready to hand it out to him. 

In the past, they had always been like brothers, best friends through thick and thin. The boys had held each other's hand while learning how to ride their first bikes and cried together after Soobin’s family cat had passed away. They used to hide high up in the tree branches, gushing about their primary school crushes till their ears turned red. Back then, Kai fancied girls with strawberry flavoured lipstick, pink when smudged, Soobin liked their plush toy collections.

When Kai turned ten his parents bought him a skateboard, which he wanted to paint with a metallic acrylic that reflected in the sun. Soobin had been sad, disappointed his parents opposed his idea of doing the same with his four wheeled possession. It had been before the boy's father got promoted to a bigger office and started making bank. His mother had told him it cost a fortune, painting over it would ruin the board. 

Soobin had sulked for days, telling himself his parents knew better, that he already had everything he needed, and that this tantrum was stupid. He couldn’t make himself quit throwing it, though. A few days later Kai had spontaneously decided that skateboarding was meant for sporty types- they were, however, artists, nature lovers- so they had to quit it, there was no questioning it. They ended up taking Kai’s paint and making butterflies come to life that day. 

That was why Soobin knew his best friend had him all figured out when he suddenly stopped attending school and leaving his apartment, emotionless. Knew he never asked or pushed Soobin to fix the unfixable just to, without meaning, fill a silent moment shared between them. The answers were clear anyway, and so was the fact that Soobin wouldn't change his unhealthy ways just by having them placed in front of him. He was aware, so was Kai. They both kept their mouths shut. 

When Kai arrived later that evening, he came holding a box of pastries as a gift of reunion, and Soobin had no time to even say a single word before the boy was already sitting on his bed, legs crossed feeling at home.

"Have you listened to the podcast I sent you?" The boy was looking at him with wide eyes, hair a curly hazel mess on top of his head. 

"No, I wanted to, but it slipped my mind," Soobin sighed. "I promise I will do it sometime later next week. I'll write you a full report on it, might even rate it while I'm at it just so you can be a hundred percent sure I did," he deadpans but makes sure to add a wink at the end, sarcastic. 

"Ah, that sounds amazing, hyung," and two can play that game. "What will be your guidelines if I may ask beforehand?" the smile on Kai’s lips widens as they continue their theatrical discussion. 

"Oh, of course!" Soobin gestures with his hands flipping through an invisible notebook, right pointer finger against his lips. "I'll start with the way the host makes me absorbed, lose myself in the topic," he makes a quick glance to the younger- Kai's grinning. "Then I'll review the way his voice sounds when he rolls the "r's" and how that influences the visual representation of his facial features in my mind." If Soobin had a glass of wine in his hands, he would tip it in the other boy's direction.

"Wonderful!" Kai laughed "Anything else?"

"You're getting greedy."

"I just know you'll love the series."

Soobin exhaled fully knowing this was a losing game he was trying to play. "I'll listen to it next week."

"I'll hold you to that." 

They open up the box of goodies Kai brought, and each pick a piece to snack on while Soobin chooses the right music to set as background noise. A melody with calming undertones to keep Kai’s energy levels at bay. Soobin knew how much the other loved late night walks and climbing up on the older's apartment building's roof. It had a lovely view, the boy couldn't deny, but he wasn't up for it tonight. Soobin chooses a moody jazz playlist.

"My mom said she will personally send you to cooking lessons if she catches you eating those cup noodles again," Kai starts. "She had that angry expression on her face so I don't think you should take this one lightly. You've seen her when she gets upset, it's scary just to imagine." Soobin nods absentmindedly too focused on the sweet bread in front of him. 

"Last time she threatened to remove the door to my room just because I accidentally slammed it shut. She won't go easy on you even if this sounds cute at first," the boy was talking with his mouth stuffed full, the older couldn't blame him.

"This is a warning, hyung. Buy a carrot or anything that could pass as one at least and leave it somewhere in the kitchen. If she ever decides to pay you a quick visit while picking me up, make sure it's in a noticeable spot and she can be fooled," Kai sounded way too serious. "Mark my words, that day will come faster than you think."

"Ah, your mother is too caring, I feel bad for making her worry. Send her my regards and tell her I've added fruits to my diet, so it's alright," Soobin replied. He was grateful for that woman, taking time out of her day just to check up on her best friend's son from time to time.

"I'll snap a picture and send it to her if you can provide me with proof," Kai proposed.

"Sure, I don't mind," Soobin agreed while scratching at the back of his neck. "So what have you been up to? I haven't seen you in two weeks," he questioned, curious.

"Sorry about that, time flies by when you're a hardworking student trying to do its best," the boy picked up another pastry tearing it in half and handing Soobin the other half- the bigger one- a bright smile on his face. 

Kai had always looked younger than his age, Soobin guessed the chubby cheeks were at fault, bunching up each time the boy's face lit up with joy.

"I've been mostly living with my head stuck inside a maths textbook, sometimes history, it depends on the weather. But I did hear a rumour that some of your old friends got into trouble last week. Apparently one of them made a bet over soju. As far as I know, it didn't go very smooth, as you can imagine," the younger snorted. "He had to take off his pants in the middle of class and throw them out of the window. I heard the teacher caught him mid-action."

Soobin didn't feel surprised in the slightest, as the boy continued with the story.

"Afterwards the others had agreed to buy him the soju if he managed to jump inside a well near the school grounds, in which he succeeded. Saw the videos," Kai shook his head. "The guy is a legend, but I'm questioning his sanity." 

Soobin didn't answer, and without noticing the air had suddenly become thick, making the younger clear his throat in discomfort. "And what about you? Anything new?"

"Not really." His nightmares had increased their morning side effects, and there was a slight chance Soobin had found himself feeling extra lonely than usual, but those weren't topics to discuss with the younger. "Just the usual," he shrugged, trying to come up with something. "Finally finished playing that game I told you about before, that's all. Met some strange boy at the park this week, blue hair and everything," Soobin answered while cracking his knuckles, Yeonjun's face making an appearance in his mind. 

"Oh?" the other boy sounded intrigued, "And how did it go?"

"Wasn't anything special, said his name was Choi Yoenjun, asked if I was new here." Soobin glanced down at his fingers, now picking at the skin around his nails, not being able to hide his amusement. "I thought I was seeing him, like, imagining him at first, a hallucination. He seemed odd, we didn't talk much."

"A hallucination?"

"He was covered in confetti, noticed I was staring," Soobin groaned, "It was early, okay?"

If Soobin had looked up he would have seen Kai smiling back at him. And by the way his thumb was now running with blood from a small bruise he'd picked, it seemed like they were both painfully aware that this was the first time in almost a year Soobin had mentioned someone new, someone specific. 

When Soobin spoke, he would sometimes mention bypassers he had seen on the streets and their dogs dressed in silly outfits with ribbons in their fur. He would talk about the lady at the grocery store trying to start banter over her hobbies every now and then, about his parents and their travels, but Soobin knew his words were dull, Kai knew that too. These were laced with interest. 

"Ah, but he gave you his name?" Kai was careful around topics involving other people in Soobin’s life, the question sounding more like a breath than anything.

"For some reason," he stretched his neck and dusted away the bread crumbs in his lap, "probably was just being friendly. He resembled a mirage, I wouldn't trust the guy."

"You wouldn't trust anyone, hyung, even if your life depended on it."

Silence.

"I guess so."

It wasn't Soobin’s fault, though, cause one by one people had left his life, forgetting their promises, their shared memories as if it meant nothing to them from the start. Perhaps Soobin wasn't meant to be around anyone. He could only blame himself. 

Opposites attract yet they were still opposites, and Soobin didn't believe neutral territory could exist after people clashed together their minds and souls.

Either there was something or it was a waste of time. That's how he had learned to think by now. See the world between _good for him, a safe space, something that's going to end up ruining him or the people around him_ and _nothing,_ hence why the isolation. Or as he liked to call it- safety precautions. Black and white thinking. He was aware of the symptoms relating to depression, but Soobin didn't feel like he was depressed, just philosophically and ideologically doomed to a similar state of mind. A life spent in grey. 

The boys spent the rest of the evening watching the latest episodes of Haikyuu!! and bickering about Kai’s unconscious habit of rubbing his hyung’s tummy whenever he was near. When the night came, Kai was picked up by his mother, and Soobin was left alone to regenerate his energy levels. 

He liked his room, liked his apartment, it was small and cosy, set on the 4th floor in the middle of Seoul where the noises didn't bother as much. Walnut coloured wooden floors, beige walls reaching into a white ceiling, the artificial lighting kept at a minimum. During the nightly hours, Soobin's laptop and the few beams from the street lights snaking their way into the four walls of the boy's bedroom lit up the space enough.

And of course, a double bed for himself and the moon's luminescence to share sleepless darkness in. A tiny kitchen with a round dining table for two by a set of windows and a sad-looking lavender plant placed in the middle of it- his mother had pressured him into buying it. Said it would help with sleep. All in all, the apartment had a certain appeal- Soobin's cave, a hiding place. He liked it.

The spring was finally starting to settle in, Soobin acknowledged as he leaned on a windowsill by his bed later that night. The lanterns in the alleys starting their shifts an hour later than usual and bars and restaurants opening terraces, the scent of tteokbokki lingering in the air even up to Soobin’s nose. 

Looking down on to the streets it was satisfying to see the streams of people marching at a lazy rhythm, all radiating the same aura that could be labelled as sluggish and unconcerned. When he used to live with his parents, they would often find themselves in the midst of it as well, admiring the pretty neon signs while finding their way home.

Father used to work long hours, so Soobin and his mother would come to meet him at the office building. Then they would come back together side by side, chatting about topics that did and did not matter- like the weather, their days and the buildings and tiny shops they passed each time. His mother had told him those were her favourite parts of the day, the ones that made her the most grateful for what she had- them. They were busy people, without doubt, heads always stuck in business, giving it the most of their time. Soobin used to look back at those memories with fondness but nowadays it stung, ruthless.

It was about an hour later that Soobin received a text message from Kai.

Huening:  
_"Remember when I told you I'll hold you  
__up for that podcast review? Scratch that."_

Soobin _:_ _  
_ _"Huh?"_

Huening:  
_"Google your mystery boy's name, hyung.  
__Write me a review on what you find."_

Soobin opened up his laptop, typed Choi Yeonjun in the search bar and clicked the first link, leading him to a music platform with the same blue-haired boy in the profile picture. Yeonjun's account didn't seem too popular, each of his audio posts gathering a few thousand plays, but the comments spammed with little red hearts and various compliments hinted that he was acknowledged for his posts either way. 

Soobin:  
_"You're a creep."_

  
  


Soobin took a deep breath once the notification that promised that the younger had read his message popped up and threw his phone onto the bed. Once he pressed play on one of the newly uploaded songs called Fairy of Shampoo his apartment filled up with a soft melody- a similar tune to romance movie soundtracks, delicate. Soobin recognised the song immediately. It was a cover of a Korean classic, only Yeonjun's piece made it sound softer, creating a fairytale feel. 

_Y_ o _u approach me gently through a square screen/ The one who planted in my heart a silver-coloured fantasy/ My one and only, a little fairy._

The boy’s voice glided perfectly along with the gentle instrumental, and Soobin had to admit, it sounded wonderful. Yeonjun's slightly deeper voice created a pleasant and barely noticeable contrast with the melody.

_Like early morning mist/ You approach me/ Your long hair flowing/ And whispering with a soft smile._

While the song played, Soobin scrolled through his account, eyes squinted- searching. For what, he didn't know, but, screw it, the boy had left an impression of him, and he was curious to find out more.

His profile didn't have any personal information on it except for Yeonjun’s full name and an email address meant for possible collaboration offers or invitations to have him perform at events. A lot of songs were covers, though more than a dozen seemed like original tracks, self-written pieces with photographs as their cover art. Most of them had another person as a co-producer, Soobin didn't look more into that.

_Whenever I see her, I'm not lonely/ Even if I’m with my sad heart/ It just disappears far away._

The boy wondered if the songs were written for someone specific, wondered if his current actions could be characterized as stalker-like.

_She's my fairy of shampoo/ From this moment on, I will love her._

Perhaps he could find a few folk tales about gumihos to listen to while trying to fall asleep tonight, or perhaps he should rather bang his head against the wall until he passes out. Soobin closed his eyes and pressed his pointer fingers to his temples, massaging. This night was introducing him to a whole new level of self embarrassment. 

\---

Soobin was back at his old high school, except the lobby and the halls were empty, he could see fresh dirt on the floors as he paced the stairways, yet no one was there.

He tried to speak or even squeal, but nothing came out of it. Once he made his way to the main entrance he noticed that, firstly, the doors were locked and, secondly, dark shadows were lurking outside of the building, merging together, hissing at every touch.

Soobin stood there watching for a while unable to move till one of the shadows started grabbing at the door handle with force, making it shake. The door was coming undone, cracking open and it caught the attention of all the other disgusting beings surrounding it, inviting them to come closer. He could see them clearly now.

Instead of a face, their heads were sucked inwards as if someone had bashed them in, creating a void effect. Their bodies were slim and covered in mucus, the vile liquid dripping down their limbs, glueing them periodically to any surface they touched, often to the same ugly beings next to them. They growled from nonexistent mouths and it sounded like hell.

The door finally gave in and the lock broke, providing entry for the shadows and a hopeless escape for Soobin. Feeling life come back to his feet, he started running towards the stairways and up to the highest floor.

There was a sharp pain in his legs making him trip a couple of times, hitting his jaw against the steps, but he managed to pull himself up, dismissing the question of his teeth still being in place.

Once he got to the top floor, Soobin turned around and saw that no matter the speed in which he had moved, the hideous shadows were right behind him, waiting for his reaction.

They were laughing at him in inhuman voices, stretching their black, dripping hands to reach for him.

Suddenly Soobin was on the rooftop of the building, suddenly it was at least ten stories higher and suddenly all the shadows were pushing him off of it. Their touch hurt, it burned, and the boy wanted to scream from the agony but couldn't. 

Finally empty. 

He felt empty as the beings pushed him down the building. 

He felt empty as he watched the ground come closer.

Empty as he closed his eyes. 

The ache was unbearable, his whole body was cramping, unwilling to straighten out from the fetus position he woke up in.

Red marks on the palm of his hand. Soobin felt a headache incoming and after trying to widen his jaw, he realised why. Every goddamned tooth in his mouth felt like it had been rearranged then and there without any anaesthesia.

The moon was playing dentist with him tonight, or so it seemed. Grinding his teeth in sleep wasn't anything new to Soobin but he assumed that this time it wasn't just that.

Great, wonderful. Not only were his dreams increasing their level of detail but also Soobin’s body its unconscious reactions. Just what he needed, truly.

If Soobin’s life was a milkshake, the cherry on top just added for a little surprise was rotten brown, probably had worms in it or some other shit. The whole milkshake was most likely poisonous, for all he knew.

\----

Standing in a line at his usual grocery store of choice, Soobin noticed his hands were trembling. The day had already started terribly- the nightmares not giving him any rest and the aftermath far worse, his strength both physical and mental at its lowest. Soobin couldn't even keep his eyes open properly. Swollen and puffy, hidden under a fringe.

He wasn't a person who cried easily, in fact, he couldn't even recall the last time he did but today was asking for it, tearing it out of his dried-up insides. He was finally overpowered by the moon, beaten into the ground and made ashamed of his weaknesses.

He could see them all unmistakably now.

Was this the reason why everyone had left him? Could they see how pathetic he was before he even managed to acknowledge it himself?

He didn't deserve the apartment located in the heart of the city, didn't deserve Huening Kai wasting his time on the lump of grey Soobin's existence was, didn't deserve the very air he was breathing, to say the least.

There were moments in each person's life where they found themselves thinking "it couldn't get worse than this" yet it always did.

There wasn't a rainbow after the hurricane, there were fallen trees, broken electricity wires and floods. Soobin was all of them combined, ready to overflow at any given minute, so he didn't give a second thought when he left the line he was standing in. Didn't doubt himself for a minute when his shaky hand, covered by the sleeve of his hoodie reached for the hard liquor stand, picking up and taking to the cashier the first glass bottle that caught his attention.

This was out of his character, he knew that much, and so did the cashier scanning his purchase, but what was he supposed to do when there was nothing left of him? When the things that were intended to heal, recharge him only brought him harm. Maybe this would have him passed out by evening. 

Soobin wasn't a big fan of alcohol, never had been, though, if he had to pick a favourite, he'd say champagne. It was light, bubbly, came in pretty packaging and made everyone cheer whenever they heard the cork pop.

The drink he currently had in his hands and on the tip of this tongue was far from his favoured choice- pink champagne with a fruity taste. Once back at his apartment, he had immediately opened the bottle taking the first sip, not caring if it was barely midday. It bit and burned at his throat and down to his stomach, making him close his eyes and clench his teeth in disgust.

Vodka without a chaser was a desperate man's solution. Sounds about right. 

After a few hours and half the bottle gone, Soobin was laying in his bed, laughing to himself a miserable, frantic laugh.

If his life was a joke, this exact moment was the culmination, the highest point in Gods career as a comedian, quite the opposite of what Soobin was going through. Did the word "punch" in "punchline" mean literally that? Cause he was ready to bet his life on it.

His plan had failed. Even when tipsy, head spinning and limbs flaccid to the mattress sleep was not interested in being his friend, the only one never pitying him.

So he just laid there, thoughts wandering.

Soobin wondered how were his parents and if they missed him? His mother called at least twice a week, asking Soobin about his health, schoolwork and life in Seoul altogether, but the wide and never-disappearing smile on her lips, the little wrinkles of joy above her cheeks made the boy dismiss the idea that she would ever trade back her current life to the one before, even if it meant not being able to see her son.

Which was fine, Soobin understood. He, as well, wanted only the best for them- his mother to have her dream lifestyle and for his father to work at a big company, have a highly respectable job, yet it still nibbled at his heartstrings. They broke a promise not him. They saw him crumble and left. But it was fine. It was their life and this was Soobin’s. 

He wondered where had he gone wrong, which exactly was the point of no return. Maybe he was too boring, too plain and people didn't want someone like that in their lives, didn't need someone who was a simple space-filler? Did he ever exceed at anything other than being average?

He was not even a back vocalist and far from a quiet viewer for the performance of social hierarchy. For fuck's sake, it was like he wasn't even invited to the goddamned play, forgotten somewhere in the corner of it all. If he was lucky, he would sometimes catch a glimpse of it all but the outcome of this action would only end up getting him burned, walked all over by the people passing by. But it was fine. At least he had his pathetic corner. 

The rest of the day went by in a haze. Soobin remembers rolling on the floor of his kitchen, emotionally singing along to his Spotify playlist, remembers playing at least three matches and losing each one of them, he thinks he might have even gotten temporary banned from his account by too many people reporting his account for awful gameplay and accidentally looting the opposite teams way too many times.

If his memory isn't failing him, he, at one point, even gathered up the courage to text Kai a bunch of gibberish. Where even was his phone now? What time was it? 

It was much darker, the street lights had already started their shift hours ago, and Soobin was hungry. He was also drunk to the point where his body moved without his input, wobbly legs holding up his lean body, bringing him from one room to the other.

Occasionally he found himself back on the floor. Eyeing the now almost empty bottle standing on his kitchen table, serving as a reminder as to why his surrounding looked so blurred out. A stomach growl. The empty cup noodle package lying next to him on the floor was a hint that he might have eaten today, however, Soobin had no recollection of that.

It was late, people outside were tired and busy with their everyday stuff, too focused on themselves to notice a drunk boy stumbling across the streets. Soobin decided that it would be for the best if he grabbed some late-night snacks from the street vendors. 

It was quite possible that this _perhaps_ was not Soobin’s greatest idea. All of it. The vodka, mostly the vodka, he thought to himself one hand wrapped around his stomach, the other helping him lean against a wall, as he made his way into the darkness.

The tunnel vision was not helping. In his mind, Soobin was moving at the speed of light, yet in reality, barely moving forward at all, the people around him passing by, not giving him any importance. Everything was spinning and he was starting to feel nauseous. 

"Ahh, hi, hey, are you alright?" a distorted voice was coming from behind him. If someone were to find him in this state, he could get in trouble, and he didn't want to risk that, so he just shook his head, answered a few yes's and continued with his wobble. 

"Are you sure?" the voice was following him, seemingly concerned. 

"I'm-s-fine, yeah, yeah, im-s-fine," Soobin dismissed the other person with his hand, still trying to make his way forward.

"Look, I know we are practically strangers, but let me help you okay?" to that Soobin looked back and met Yeonjun's worried gaze.

The boy was wearing a black leather jacket and blue fitted jeans. No bunnies were jumping around him this time, no magical stardust glistered in his hair. He was illuminated by red, pink and yellow neon letters hung up above the doors of cafes and restaurants, the lights carving his face, sharpening his already delicately pointed features.

Tonight Yeonjun wasn't a fairy, a fox spirit swinging his legs innocently back and forth, doodling in his notepad, he was a stop sign, a sunrise in the middle of the night, an awakening of the unexpected.

Soobin slightly nodded and allowed the other boy to wrap his hands around his body, helping him stand up straight. 

"Tell me where do I take you," the sound of Yeonjun's voice was right besides Soobin’s ear, loud and clear, "Is there anyone we should call? Your parents, a friend? A girlfriend?" Younjun was now fully holding him up.

"No, it-s-fine, just home," he was mumbling with his eyes closed, "straight, forward, up we goooo."

Soobin didn't know how long it took for them to get back to his apartment building, he didn't remember how he got up the stairs or unlocked his door. Did he even lock it before leaving?

When he gained the understanding of his surroundings, he was on the floor of his bathroom, crunched down by the toilet, Yeonjun’s hand on his back, petting him. 

"Soobin, hey, can you hear me? Can you please drink some more?" the boy was holding up a glass of cold water, pressing it against his face. 

\----

"Just a bit more, come on," he was being half-carried to his bedroom, legs barely keeping him up, "A few more steps and I'll let you lie down."

\----

One moment Soobin was falling, twirling into an abyss like a speck of dust lost behind an old, worn-out couch, never to be found again. He was being torn piece by piece, dissolved into nothingness, made into a breath of air, his existence transparent, brief.

The next, he was on flames, his frame coal-black and smouldering. Millions of tiny needles stabbing into him, scratching at his bones, singing along to the broken melody of his screams, asking for more.

Then he was in his childhoods home, his father handing him a box wrapped in green shiny paper. He was alone in his room, unwrapping it, seeing his once-beloved pet covered in blood at the depths of it. 

Soobin woke up with a gasp, sitting upright only to regret it the second his head felt a massive headache from being in motion.

He lied back down with a whimper, blinking his eyes repeatedly to try to get them into focus. It was late morning if he had to guess. The dark filled with a hint of yellow, the sun threatening to rise any time soon on the contrary of Soobin’s wants and needs.

He noticed his phone on the left side of his pillow and instinctively reached for it.

What he didn't expect to see was not the fact that his phone was turned off or that it was placed on the other side of its usual spot but that close to it, on the edge of the bed, half sitting with his eyes closed lied Yeonjun. The other boy was visibly asleep, his chest slowly rising and deflating.

What exactly had happened last night? Soobin remembers getting shamefully drunk and rolling around on the floor a lot, but that's about it. Had he messaged the other on his music platform? Oh God, did he invite him over while being blackout drunk?

Soobin felt like combusting from embarrassment. He tried turning his phone back on to check the time, and to his misfortune, the loud signal rang at maximum volume right between him and the sleeping stranger. 

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry," Soobin wide-eyed whispered once Yeonjun shifted awake, "I didn't mean to wake you up." The other only smiled, looking at him with narrowed eyes. 

"Oh, you're alive," his voice was raspy and low, and quiet. He sounded as if he was still dreaming. Or was Soobin? "I was afraid you would start vomiting while asleep and choke to death," he looked calm and surprisingly comfortable with the situation. "That's why I stayed, I hope I'm not intruding."

"I'm so sorry, I-," Soobin could feel his heart rate increase, "I-"

"It's alright, don't worry," Yeonjun yawned and slipped more comfortably down on his side to face him.

"I offered to help, you don't have to feel bad about it. I'm not sure what happened, what drove you to be drunk and lost, roaming the streets of Seoul alone, but I get it. Sometimes life is a bitch and sometimes that's all you can do about it. Be drunk and lost. I get it," the boy was closing his eyes once again, slipping into sleep with a smirk on his lips. "Just tell me now, you want pancakes for breakfast or you don't do mornings after, Soobinie?"

Soobin rolled his eyes, "I'm glad you're enjoying this," not so amused about his visitor anymore, "Just go to sleep," he muttered turning to his other side and finally checking his phone. 

Three unread messages and a missed call from Kai.

Soobin:

_"hyungs drunkk ... dum b theye blockd me from my account rip"_

Huening:

_"You're drunk? No way, hyung, how did that happen???"_

Huening:

_"The drinking not the account blocking"_

_one missed call_

Huening:

_"Text me when you're sober and having a regretful morning"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, please be sure to check out @fricaterpillar on Instagram :")  
> and if you'd like to follow my twt and become friends it's @yoonkiboonki


	2. in the midst of chaos, I was greeted by the thought of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So,,,,,, as a fellow European i might have messed up,,,, the story is set in Seoul but their school goes by the European system aka Soobin will have his exams in May/June. I'm so sorry for the confusion T^T  
> I hope you can still enjoy the story!  
> Triggers: description of blood!! starts and ends with Soobins dream
> 
> drawing done by a lovely reader @sherrawed on twt

Soobin woke up with the sun already up and shining right into his eyes. A halo around his head despite the shameful acts of yesterday he still could not fully recall. There was a bottle of vitamin water and a pack of painkillers placed on the pillow next to his and a note that read what seemed like a phone number and the word " _coffee" with a question mark._ Choi Yeonjun wanting to see Soobin after not only witnessing but also having to deal with him blackout drunk and vomiting was a mystery he wasn't sure he wanted to get in the depths of, but at least the strange fox boy didn't despise him.

While chugging down the water, he saved his number and sent a text. 

Soobin:

_"Did I already say I'm sorry about last night? I'm not exactly sure what happened, but thank you for taking care of me."_

After a minute, he decided to add, "I'm not usually like this," with definitely not an awkward "haha" at the end, to try to clear up his image. If it was even possible. 

Soobin took a shower, brushed his teeth and ate the tub of blueberry yoghurt he suspiciously found in his fridge while, as a punishment for himself, he worked on all the homework that had been close to overdue. He remembered to message Kai, trying to sound the least amount of grumpy and hungover as possible, as he wanted to neither stress the younger out nor have him pry over his yesterday's breakdown, though he knew the boy wouldn't do it anyway. Safety precautions.

Surprisingly Soobin did manage to catch a bit of sleep on the second part of the night, he guesses the alcohol really had him passed out, but it definitely was not worth the headache he was dealing with now. Thankfully the alcohol was out of his system and down the gutter, and not making his stomach spin. However, to say Soobin was mentally and emotionally doing alright, would be a lie.

He felt guilty for making Choi Yeonjun and Kai worry about him, the blue-haired boy even having to spend money on him made Soobin angry. They barely knew each other, yet he had already managed to be a nuisance. Why was Soobin even out and about while drunk to the point of sickness in the first place. Had his neighbours seen him? What would his parents think if they found out? Sure, he was legally allowed to drink, but still, he was disappointed in himself, biting the insides of his cheeks just from thinking about it. 

It was later that day when he got a reply from Yeonjun. 

Choi Yeonjun:

_"Buy me coffee as a thank you? I'm free in about an hour"_

Soobin sighed.

They met at a small coffee shop, Yeonjun still wearing the same clothes from last night, awaited him by the door with a smirk.

"You don't look so good, want to talk about it?" he said teasingly once Soobin stood in front of him.

"So you're actually a pain in the ass? Didn't see that one coming, to be honest," Soobin glared at him.

"Soobinie turns much braver when he's hungover. Noted," the blue-haired boy laughed while opening the cafe door for the both of them. 

Scared of sleepless nights, gruesome dreams and getting even more dehydrated Soobin chose a safe green smoothie. A small band-aid to cover up his everyday mockery of a diet. Yeonjun ordered an iced americano and found a seat at one of the free tables by a window. Once they both settled down and Soobin was obligated to meet the others gaze, he shrunk down lower into his chair, nibbling on the glass filled with a swamp coloured liquid in front of him.

"You know, I don't normally do such things. I'm sorry for making you take care of me, but I really appreciate it, so thank you," he mumbled. 

"As I said, it's alright. The whole incident brought me to this cafe with you. I should be thanking that bottle of vodka rather than letting you sulk over this," Yeonjun was speaking in a warm tone. "Choosing _Smirnoff_ from all the other alcohol you could have bought, though, that's something we need to talk about. You're some kind of a Yung Lean fan or something?" 

"A fan of what?" Soobin squinted his eyes in confusion. 

"Ah, nevermind then," the other boy dismissed. "So tell me, how much do you remember from your misadventure?" he looked at Soobin, resting his chin on top of his palm. 

"Well," Soobin cleared his throat. Was there something important he had forgotten? "I remember being at my place, doing stuff around the house, then remember thinking I should go get some food. Next thing I knew I was outside, and you were there. I recall vomiting for a while, you were handing me water, then you led me to my room so I could get some sleep. Is that right?" he shifted his gaze to the boy sitting in front of him. "Don't remember giving you my name, but I don't think that's too big of a mystery."

The other nodded somewhat deep in thought, "Yeah, you introduced yourself while we were, um, waddling to your apartment. Look, Soobin,-"

"No, stop," Soobin was nibbling and playing with his drink again, twirling the straw in and out of the green mixture, "I don't need your pity, that's the last thing I want from anyone. It's like you said in the morning, I have that in my memory as well, sometimes life just happens and sometimes there is no active way of solving it so you just deal with it how you can." Soobin half-whispered. "I know what you saw, how you saw me, it wasn't pretty but just let it be. It's my life, I'm sorry, but it's none of your business," he had raised his voice a little by the end. 

When Soobin looked up, Yeonjun, who hadn't replied anything yet, was blank, looking out of the window and sipping on his drink. Only after a while did the other boy fill in the silence. 

"That's fair, Soobinie," he smiled, placing his cup on the table and giving another minute or two for the slight tension between them to cool off until he spoke up again. "Would you like for me to properly introduce myself?" Yeonjun was now the one clearing his throat after Soobin answered with a quiet "go ahead".

"Moved here a year ago or so, parents wanted me to get a higher education, but I decided to pass up on their great wish. I already had a small following on social media for my music, thought why not shoot for the stars and try to turn it into a career. For now, I've been performing in small venues, private events. Doesn't make me a lot of money but it's enough," Yeonjun shrugged. "That morning you saw me at the park, I was slightly dazed myself. Had a late-night performance turn into an early morning one, hence all the glitter on me. Didn't feel like going home, you know? Just hung around, wrote some lyrics, then met you. I've been around and you looked kind of lost in a way, that's why I asked if you were new here."

"Sounds nice."

Soobin couldn't imagine how it would be to go against his parents' wishes, risk his boring yet stable life. It wasn't like he had any dreams anyway, nothing much to lose by obeying their ideas for the perfect future for their son. When Soobin was a child, he wanted to become a zookeeper so that he could play with raccoons all day.

Later, when he learned that that's not how the life of a zookeeper went, he figured being an actor sounded exciting. Starring in dramas and getting to be dozens of other people seemed endearing. Then, at around the age of seventeen, Soobin lost all excitement. Now nothing really mattered.

"And you? Still in high school, yeah?" Yeonjun asked.

"Yeah, last year. I study online," he agreed, not getting into much detail.

Soobin took the first sip of the drink in front of him and shut his eyes, not only the colour but also the consistency was somewhat like a swamp. And some people drank this every day? As disgusting as the drink was, it wasn't the thing that made him choke a second later. As soon as the younger raised his head, he came to a discovery. If Winnie the Pooh from his night time tales had gone to an expedition to uncover the cold North pole, Soobin was about to exclaim "eureka" for he had discovered that the end of a rainbow did not lead to a pot of gold or a four-leaf clover but rather Yeonjun's cheek, as it, at the current moment, served as a surface for a perfect seven coloured reflection of it. Smart-assed and strange but pretty.

Choi Yeonjun was pretty. Soobin could definitely give him that title. Even crown the boy himself, with the whole sword-pointing-to-each-shoulder thing they did in movies and history books (for his own pleasure, of course).

Their meeting didn't last much longer after that. When they both finished their drinks, Soobin once again apologized, thanked the other, and left. Before saying goodbye, Yeonjun had told him that he would love to become friends, as he had been so focused on stabilizing his income and work, he hadn't been able to make any in Seoul, but Soobin's simple reply, "I don't really do this friends thing, hyung," had seemed enough for Yeonjun to visibly deflate and just flash a faint smile.

\----

Soobin was in an abandoned house. The ceiling and walls dusty, half chipped and covered with spider webs. Each time he took a step further, his feet sunk deeper into the flooring, making his movements slow and heavy.

Wading through the rooms and looking around, he could spot different sized paintings in golden frames hung up next to each other. At first, Soobin thought the paintings were fresh, just finished, however, the moment he got closer to one he realised that the only thing "fresh" about them was the blood and gore smeared all over them. Chunks of it- clots of blood, pieces of flesh, intestines- all dripping down to the floor, creating puddles, who were connecting together, forming a pool inside the deserted building.

Now he could smell it. The metallic scent tickling at his nerves, warning about a total collapse incoming.

Soobin glanced at his feet and noticed that they were now hidden by a syrupy sea of blood. Although his mind kept screaming for him to run and never look back, Soobin waited for the blood to rise to his knees. In the thick, chunky mass he could see his distorted reflection staring straight back at him, alarmingly blank of any emotion. He held out his palm, close to white in contrast to the deep scarlet flowing around him, and bit by bit lowered it into the farm fluid.

On the inside, the boy was yelling, shaking at the very thought of what was about to come next, still, it didn't stop his shell of a body to proceed. At first, he only got on his knees, the blood soaking up his clothes, seductively dragging him deeper, whispering filth into his ears, then steadily he let himself fully sink, get submerged by the disgusting fluid. Floating. No matter if he kept his eyes open or closed, Soobin was floating in a world of red. Is was his world, wasn't it? It was created just for him, right?

Lovely, lovely, lovely were his muted screams, never reaching anyones' ears. 

\------

Soobin woke up choking on air, both hands clenched at his throat, wondering what did he mess up and ruin in his past life, having to deal with this now. Burned down a city? Created a major car crash? At this point, he was ready to bet the Chernobyl disaster was his doing.

The night terrors had become progressively more foul, like worms digging into the soil, the moon was penetrating his subconscious, eating away his brain. Should he consider becoming an aerospace engineer? Building a rocket and launching it at that fucker always making fun of him sounded like a great plan. 

I was the middle of the week, spring now marching with full force, cherry blossoms warning by-passers of their inevitable bloom. How romantic! Soobin rolled his eyes as he turned a page in his math's textbook. For Soobin it only meant that exam season was coming a lot faster than he had anticipated, and his knowledge and understanding in math was seriously lacking. Here faded his plans for constructing a divine rocket to destroy the moon. 

The concept of online schooling was quite simple- the students sat at home, did a bunch of reading, sent in their work, got grades. But sometimes teens needed extra help, a little push to nudge them forward, which was Soobin in this current situation, and when a time like that came, there was nothing else but only one thing left to do... attending weekly lessons for the subject at hand, held at the school's office... between other so-called online students. Horrendous.

Yet it seemed to be Soobins fate to which he had no other choice but to surrender. 

After packing his stuff, he threw the black backpack over his shoulder and left the apartment. The premises were a thirty-minute bus ride away from Soobins place, which he spent trying to make the least amount of eye contact possible.

Once there, he took a seat in the front row, hoping to absorb the information quicker and better from there, escaping the future need for any more of these in-person lessons. There were five other students in the room, all focused on their notes and work at hand. In the end, it wasn't that bad, Soobin learned what he needed and spent some time out of the house, making him feel productive. It was alright, he was having sort of a calm day until he wasn't, until it all came crashing down on him once he heard his name being called on the way back to the bus. 

"Choi Soobin, is that you? Hey, wait up," the voice startling him to a standstill. 

"Soobin, how are you?" the girl was pulling him back, looking at him with a big smile on her face.

"Ah, hey," he fully turned to greet her. "I'm good, Ryujin, nothing to complain about, just living my life," he tried sounding welcoming, even made effort to show off his dimples.

Shin Ryujin dressed in casual, streetwear clothes looked deadlier than ever, the bright glint in her eyes only enhancing the enigmatic aura she carried. She had always been like this, now that Soobin thought about it, a little off to the side of the crowd, still, without effort standing out.

"Walk with me? I haven't seen you in so long, Soob," she threaded her arm through his elbow and pulled him to her side. They continued walking together at a slower pace. "Did you quit high school altogether? You left with a bit of a bang, you know that, right?" she giggled.

"Ah, no, just switched to online schooling," he, as per usual, didn't go into detail.

She was now rubbing at Soobins arm with her palm, her smile only widening, "I must admit, you've grown into a tall, handsome man. I remember when you were my height, but now look at you!" Soobin couldn't help but smile at that.

It was kind of nice, to be honest. Having the girl's arm linked with his, even if they hadn't seen each other in so long, even if their past was clouded by hurt. Her body so close, feeling the vibrations of her cute laugh behind his ribs made him feel nostalgic. Soobin had sworn to himself that he wasn't lonely, but he couldn't deny the warm yet desperate feeling this interaction flushed him over with.

They were walking peacefully, arms linked like in the good old days, and Soobin could smell a tint of liquorice and cigarette smoke on her hair. A habit he has never understood.

"I've missed you, Soob, I'm telling the truth. The friendship that we shared was a miracle that comes only once in a lifetime, don't you agree?" Ryujin said playfully pinching at his waist.

"It was nice while it lasted," he nodded. "It was nice until I fucked everything up," was what he wanted to say. 

"Nice? It was the best," Ryujin assured, as she placed her head against the boy's shoulder.

"I remember how we used to stay out late and climb on top of all the roofs we could get on to, listen to music, pretend we were on top of the world. It truly felt like that back then. When my mother kicked me out of the house, you came to get me and set up that cute picnic to calm me down. Or," she exclaimed, "when we locked ourselves inside of your room and played video games for two days straight! Those were the best years, you and I had a connection like no other, Soob." 

Soobin just hummed to that. "How is everyone?" he asked.

She shrugged, "The usual, I guess. We kind of fell out once you left. Some still hang, but it's just not the same anymore. That's why I've missed you so much, don't you just want to go back in time? It used to be so fun, gosh, nowadays it's just studies and a bit of joking around. Back then our pastimes were grand," she made a sound similar to an explosion and laughed.

Grand? Sure. Explosive? Sure. But it's been two years and the thoughts still haunt him, the memories of destruction surrounding their so-called fun. It was an explosion hand in hand with disaster, not the one escaping from a colourful shell of pyrotechnics. If only they had been just the spark, oh no, they were a part of the eruption, blowing in pieces themselves along with it, but secretly. Quietly out loud. 

"Ryujin, I'm sure you already know what's my opinion on this," Soobin was now staring at the ground, not so warm inside anymore. 

"Oh, come on, Soob, you can't be serious?" she stopped the both of them right before a crosswalk and took hold of at the sweater he was wearing, her wrists dangling in the fabric right under his chest. They were now facing each other only Soobin's gaze went right past her into nothingness, not ready to give her a reply. The girl knew it anyway.

"I can't believe you're still so sensitive," she scoffed. "Are you still being a baby? It's been a year, you should get over it. Would only do you good," her voice morphing into a vicious bark with every word. 

And maybe Ryujin was right, maybe he was being too sensitive. He had never been the ideal-strong-manly type, always a slave to his emotions. Even if he felt guilty for destroying their friendship, loosening their bond, some things just didn't sit well with him. He missed having his old friends around, having fun, but he couldn't bring himself to say that what they had done was anything but cruel. God, he hated himself for it. Blamed himself for it. Deserved everything bad he ever got back from it.

"I bet you still fucking want everyone to apologize," she went on, "oh god, that's pathetic, Soobin. They were jokes, they were all fucking jokes, it's your problem you didn't think they were funny. It's your problem you can't take another person's opinion. How old are you truly, Soobin? Grow up," she spat at him and forcefully letting go of his sweater, backing away slowly.

"I guess this just wasn't the right time for us to meet," she said while turning around, the girls face scrunched in disgust. "Call me when you get better, when your brain's not a mush," Ryujin shouted while crossing the road, leaving Soobin alone and empty.

The way home was peaceful in contrast to what had happened before. Soobin tried not to think about it too much, detaching himself from reality, distancing and blurring out the surroundings in his mind. Exhausted. People and socializing made Soobin exhausted.

How did he turn into a hermit so easily? Soobin had never been the popular kid, never the silent nerdy type, yet it was clear that the talent of isolation had sat inside of him his whole life. Or was it even a talent when Ryujin’s presence had him reaching out for the flame, that once already burned him, so quickly? How many minutes did it take for him to melt by her friendly touch? How many will it take for him to get over it? 

He grabbed some more noodles from the convenience store, on his way back. Everyone walking past him a faceless creature, a fog of "rather not", and somehow Soobin felt safer that way. He was not ready for another human interaction, not any time soon at least. 

It had been just barely two hours since the incident, and now that he was at home laying in bed and staring at the ceiling, Soobin was contemplating whether the whole universe had some sort of a grudge against him, cause right next to him lay his phone turned to mute with his parents' facetime call incoming. The right time and place worked for everyone except for him. Soobin took a deep breath and answered it. 

"How is our boy?" his father asked in a steady voice once the call connected.

It seemed that both of his parents were cuddling on a couch, his mother holding the phone up to their faces. For them, it was a lot earlier than it was in Seoul, the sun blessing their faces with its beams, while outside of his window, Soobin could already see the dark violet evening clouds.

"He is doing alright, as far as I know, saw him go to a math lesson today, though, he still hasn't come home. Perhaps got lost somewhere on the way?" Soobin mocked himself.

"Oh, please, he looks safe and sound," his mother interrupted, "except for the hair. You should see a hairdresser, dear, it's getting way too long," she said while placing the screen of the phone right in front of her face, trying to get a closer look.

"It's fine, mom, I think it looks good this way," he announced.

"Alright, honey," the woman smiled. "How are you feeling lately? All good? Sleeping better?"

"Yeah, it's alright, definitely better," Soobin nodded shamelessly. 

"I knew it! The lavender plant must be doing its magic then. This is why you should trust me and your father, we've got you covered," his mother lightly patted her husband on the shoulder, both sharing a proud look. 

Trust them, huh? How ironic.

"Don't forget to water it, okay? Do it after the call, yeah?"

"I will," he promised. "So you guys are doing good as well?"

"We're great, honey, your father is having some days off so we've been relaxing, having some time to ourselves. Currently waiting for our taxi to arrive so that we can go to a pop-up market in the city centre," they were both glowing and Soobin couldn't feel any more given up. "We hope you're studying for your exams, Soobin. You should really be focusing on that, it's one of the most important moments of your life that will decide your future. You know that, right?"

"Don't worry, that's practically all I've been doing anyway." 

"We're so proud of you, always making us happy," his father replied. "One day you're gonna grow into a fine man."

Then who was he now to them? 

Every time Soobin pitied himself he felt shit about it later. What a foolish thing to do, it never brought him anything anyway- good or bad. It was a waste of time.

If society could be portrayed in a graphic drawing, Soobin imagined it as a room. Each group of people associated with objects placed in the room. Some people lived for comfort, some for work and achievements, some were designed and born as mirrors to remind others of their flaws and best qualities, some placed on the highest shelves, some were the floor, being walked all over.

Soobin was like the dying plant on his kitchen table, fed by nothing else but empty promises to his mother and father.

Soobin couldn't deceive himself anymore, there truly were days when he just wanted to get out of the house, wanted to call up his old friends, forgive and forget, both them and himself. As time went by these moments of vulnerability became lesser and lesser, the boy already getting used to being alone, but when the feelings returned he could only lie to himself saying that it's not as bad as it used to be when in reality it hurt like the first time all over again.

There were moments where Soobin wished to open up to his parents, cry, break down in front of them, let them see that the muddy eyes were a cover-up not by his choice but because the world he lived in enforced them. Yet there he was, every night for the past two years. Alone.

Cause it was better that way. Who was he to break free from all of this when it was designed just for him, handcrafted by fate and its shitty black humour. Soobin was nothing and no one, and no one should ever care for him. Everyone had a role in life, and this was his. 

When taking the lavender pot in his emotion ridden trembling hands to hold it under running water so that the soil could moisten up, Soobin was taken aback by the fact that the dirt wasn't parched as usual. The plant wasn't dramatically hanging downwards and begging for mercy, it was doing alright. Quite unusual, as it only happened for a few days after Soobin had remembered or been reminded of its existence. And last time that happened was more than a week ago. 

Ah.

Eyes shut, his lower lip white between his teeth, Soobin took a steady breath. 

He knew it was just a moment of weakness, but it seemed that those exact moments were what made a person the bravest and boldest. Silly, how silly. Were the moments of breaking the ones which showed us who we truly were or the ones who made us into someone else, as a defence against ourselves? Were random, small acts of kindness really a breaking point for him? He could blame it on the weather.

It didn't even take him longer than a second, taking his phone in hand he opened up the other boy's number and before he could reflect on it, texted a simple:

Soobin:

_"I know what I said, but maybe you're still interested in hanging out?"_

A cry for help? Pathetic.

Ryujin was right, he was pathetic. And you know what else? Soobin was incredibly lonely and fucking exhausted.

He was the ugly duckling from within, who was probably better off inside the cave it hid in. There was never a chance of transformation into something better for the ones who were already rotten. You can't exactly cut out a piece of yourself, a chunk of memories, a part of your personality. Well, unless you get run over by a car, get amnesia and God forgives you of all of your sins, but Soobin had enough time on this hands to learn the ways his life worked, and it never worked for him, only against him.

Soobin was desperate for another life. And maybe on top of all of that, he was also foolish for believing that what Yeonjun had said about wanting to be his friend was the truth, cause the boy didn't reply nor that evening, nor the next day. Oh, how deliciously grinned the moon and reflected the stars that night, all laughing at the never-ending comedy enfolding right underneath them. Those fuckers.

\-----

Kai came over for a visit later that week. It was Friday afternoon, and Soobin was still on edge, the memories of this week's misadventures still fresh in his mind. They were once again listening to music with a slower beat and munching on some snacks- this time it was ice cream. 

"When I tell you I couldn't believe it, it's true, hyung! The frog was massive, I'm talking bigger than my palm. It was huge!" the younger had one arm folded underneath his head, the other holding a spoon full of ice cream while he laid on Soobins bed, swinging it around as he spoke.

"So it was a toad?" Soobin was mildly confused over the conversation at hand. 

"No, no, no, toads are grey or brown, this one was green," Kai sounded sure of himself, and Soobin could only nod, "It was a sign, hyung. It must have been, and I know you agree with me somewhere deep inside of your bedtime tale heart," he finished off by finally placing the whole spoonful in his mouth. 

"You want me to say it was a prince in disguise?" Soobin raised an eyebrow at the other. "Toad edition?"

Kai let out a loud laugh, "That would mean I missed my chance to become royalty, hyung."

"Bold of you to assume it would agree to kiss you," Soobin shook his head and scooped out a pile of the ice cream.

"Do you think I could at least find a plushy like that? Maybe it would erase my bad juju for just leaving the poor guy out there. If you help me in this important search, I will surely reward you, brave soldier."

"And what would be my award?"

"Uhh, a thank you? Maybe more ice cream?" the younger was trying his luck while Soobin ignored the rest of their toad focused talk. "Anyway," he coughed, "you seem a bit tense."

"Hmm, accidentally bumped into Ryujin the other day," Soobin admitted. 

"You want to talk about it?"

"There's not much to say, wasn't exactly the best hangout I've had in my life, but I guess it could have gone way worse," he hummed.

"Ahh, an eventful week. What about you and the pretty boy?" Kai was sporting a grin. 

Soobin let his mouth hang open for a few seconds until he turned his head to the side and looked directly at the other boy, "The what?" Kai was still shamelessly smirking to himself. 

"You know who I'm talking about. Don't tell me you didn't at least listen to his music."

"Forget about him, Kai," there was noticeable hurt in his voice. It was obvious that the other hadn't missed it, just didn't point out on it.

After a brief moment of silence, Kai spoke up again, "Maybe you should get a pet, hyung? I could get you one as a token of our friendship. Are you more of a cat or dog person?"

Soobin took a minute to reply, thinking his choices over, "A cat would be more simple to take care of," he finally said. 

"So it's decided, we're getting a cat?" Kai was once again full of joy, and Soobin didn't reply.

\------

The end of the week went by as per usual, and so did the next one start. Soobin was undeniably still dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that he had been put on by the people around him, but it was fine. He could deal with it.

There was a small possibility that the lavender pot now stood farther in the corner, withering away in the sunlight cast from the window, and perhaps he didn't dare to open up his Facebook, in fear of seeing his ex-friends' faces, maybe even their rude posts towards him. Not that they had ever done it before, but every day was a great day for trying out something new. 

One am.

He was lying down on top of his blue covers, the window in his room fully opened, letting the room fill up with cold airflow, yet he felt too apathetic to care even when the tips of his fingers were asking to be hidden beneath his warm body. Soobin was listening to the fable of the hare and the tortoise. The man playing the tortoise had a deep, clear voice, which was very fitting for the character, and Soobin appreciated that. He thought that if the man would tell him to do anything, he would at least seriously think about it if not just do it then and there. The man on the tape sounded experienced and trustworthy. 

It was the sound of his phone notifying him of a message that pulled Soobin out of his thoughts. 

Choi Yeonjun:

_"Hey, you're free this weekend?"_

Was this a joke? Soobin didn't reply, turning his phone's screen to face the mattress.

Five minutes later came another ding.

Choi Yeonjun:

_"My producer is having his birthday celebration this week. You want to come?"_

Did he really think Soobin would agree to this after being ignored for nearly a week?

Choi Yeonjun:

_"Nevermind, I'll text you the details sometime during the next few days. You're coming with me. I'll come over to get you uwu"_

Unnoticeably, during the time Soobin was reading the messages, the wind stopped blowing so harshly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone's just so oblivious in this story T.T  
> I wanted to quickly mention that it's quite funny how after I posted the first chapter my insomnia and nightmares that i had for 7 months magically disappeared. im thankful but confused? 
> 
> follow me on twt @yoonkiboonki so we can be friends


	3. i've seen this before, i've felt it burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back ~  
> potential triggers: fire, getting burned. ends with the first --- if you want to skip

Soobin was sitting on the floor of his old bedroom.

Legs stretched straight in front of him on the fuzzy lilac carpet with walls covered in drawings and posters surrounding him. It felt like time stopped existing for the entirety of that moment- the birds singing their love confessions to one another right outside of Soobins playroom, specs of dust floating in the sunlight rilled up by the standing fan and his fingertips a soft shade of pink holding up the colourful toy blocks while "Twinkle, twinkle, little star" played in the background on the cassette player he still owned to this day. 

"Oh right", he thought. 

This moment was not today. He hasn't been in his old bedroom in years, the birds singing outside were most likely already dead. Now the fan was turning too loudly, the metal screeching at his ears, so Soobin got up and turned it off. 

Soobin had never had lucid dreams before, he had only read about them online. People writing in dept about their experiences, saying how they could control and shape the dream itself. How they had fun flying over skyscrapers, having superpowers, swimming in the deep sea side by side with the whales, not worrying about losing their breath and drowning.

It felt real looking around, the shadows pronounced in the corners of the room, and it felt just as real when he heard his father's voice calling him for dinner. Was this a happy dream?

He entered the kitchen already aged a few more years, a young teen now. His parents were sitting at the table, handing each other a bowl of steaming rice, smiling and chatting away about their day. He took a seat at the end of the table. It had always been his favourite spot, it made him feel special, feel noticeable, important.

"Darling, why don't you tell Soobin about the surprise we have for him?" his mother winked at her husband.

"After dinner, alright?" he pointed his finger at Soobin, shaking it, "so you better eat well or else you might not receive it," the man laughed in a sweet melody, and Soobin felt peaceful.

The food was tasteless, the dream material lacking in detail, yet he loved every piece of it, loved sharing this dinner with his small family, looking up at them warmly and earning the same fondness back. 

When the blazing sun is gone

Soon the dinner was over and both of his parents stood up from their seats, coming around the table and beside the boy. They both gently took each of his hands, helping him get up and guided him to their room. 

"We hope you like it, we tried so hard for this," his mother whispered in his ear.

Soobin was excited, cursing the way every step felt like forever in the fantasy world created by his subconscious. He felt safe between the two of them.

When he nothing shines upon

The moment the door to his parents' room opened, Soobin could see nothing but darkness enclosing him. He stepped into the oblivion only to notice both of his parents stepping out of it, leaving him abandoned in the fog.

"This is all for you, Soobinie," their voices morphed together from afar before disappearing completely.

Then you show your little light

A spark ignited somewhere near him, catching his clothes on fire. Soobin was set in flames, feeling the hot blaze tearing his skin apart from bone, creating bruises everywhere it dared to touch him. He was burning alive and so was the black, dark world of memory around him. A sharp pain took over his body, tears evaporating the second they dared to fall.

Twinkle, twinkle, all the night

\--------

"Soobinie, let me in," Yeonjun was knocking at his door for the third time already, surprisingly still sounding rather playful than angry. 

Soobin had a few choices at hand.

Firstly, he could pretend he wasn't home. All he had to do was stay quiet, maybe turn off his phone and then pay the small price of making up lies for the rest of his life, if, of course, Choi Yeonjun ever wanted to meet up with him again, as he had previously made sure to inform Soobin of the day and time he will pick him up. Seemed like the boy was punctual and well organised.

The thought made Soobin take a quick look at his apartment and the half-empty frozen food packets scattered around it. Anyways-

Secondly, Soobin could try to imitate being sick. Fake cough, snuffle a few times and hope the older had a soft heart, which he guessed he had, based on past experience, but that wasn't a very dependable plan as Soobin couldn't be sure that the other wouldn't just drag him out to the party anyway. Or worse. Stay with him. 

Thirdly, Soobin could man up, open the door and try to have a good evening for the first time in forever. If stuff got bad, he could always get a taxi and leave.

Sadly, he had spent the last couple of days coming up with scenarios that would lead to total destruction, so the third idea wasn't giving him any reassurance that it will all be well at the end. Because what if everyone hates him there? What if they all collectively decide that Soobin is the most boring, pathetic person to ever walk the earth the moment he opens his mouth? Would they laugh at him or just ask him to go home? What if Yeonjun was lying to him and there was no party. He didn't know the boy well or, to be honest, at all. Yeonjun might as well be taking him to a black market's secret headquarters to sell his organs for a large sum of money.

How could he trust the boy so blindly? 

"I can hear you pacing around the house," the boy at the other side of his door giggled. "Please?" 

Soobin exhaled the breath he didn't know he was holding and opened the door. 

Yeonjun was wearing the same leather jacket from before and what looked like a white formal shirt underneath it, the upper two buttons left undone, showing off a bit of skin. Maybe Soobin wouldn't even have to pretend he was feeling sick, cause seeing the other dressed up so nicely made his stomach turn in ways he had never felt before. 

"Come in," he gulped and the other stepped in. 

"Are you ready to go?" Yeonjun asked, looking him up and down. 

"You haven't even told me the details. How am I supposed to be ready when I don't even know where we're heading to?" he answered, and it came out resembling a whine more than he had intended. Plus, Soobin was partially bluffing. He was already dressed up for the event, loosely fitted blue jeans and a baggy long-sleeved striped shirt for comfort, but he wasn't about to admit that. 

"When I moved here I didn't know anyone," the other boy said while stepping in, "So I tried to make some online connections. Found this guy on the same page I post my music on. His bio said he lived here, so I hit him up, and we started talking. He makes beats for my songs now." Yeonjun was standing with his back pressed against the wall now as he easily explained, trying to make the other feel at ease.

"Had his birthday some time ago, but everyone in the music industry is always busy doing their thing, mostly trying to survive, so the event was postponed. He's a cool guy, your age," the boy added. "The party's nothing much, just a few people, close friends. Your outfit right now seems fine," he finished. 

"And I should be there because...?" Soobin was confused. 

"Cause I want you to?" Yeonjun proudly showed a toothy grin at that, and Soobin rolled his eyes.

It was around eight-thirty pm when they left Soobins apartment. Yeonjun asked if they could walk to his friend's place instead of taking the bus, as it would only be a brief twenty-five-minute trip, and Soobin agreed. At least now he knew the apartment wasn't far away, and he would also fully know the way back home, if, perchance, the world decided to turn even more against him and he needed to run back to his safe space, which he didn't doubt. 

They were walking down the street, the sun slowly setting in front of them. The streets filled with groups of people looking for some late-night trouble.

"So," Yeonjun started, "how are you?"

"Hyung, stop," Soobin looked down, "you don't need to worry about me. I already told you, forget about that night."

"That's fine, but still," the other boy looked to the side, "how are you? Just casual banter."

Soobin sighed. "I'm alright."

The boy hummed in response. "You know, I really enjoy living here, in this city," he carried on speaking after a few silent steps. "I mean, it's quite expensive, sure, but it's worth it, don't you think?" 

"What makes you think that?"

"You can find anything here. Different kinds of people, different kinds of places, sceneries. Seoul is the type of city that either makes a person or breaks them," he paused, "no, that's not right. Seoul is the type of city that a person can use to either make something big out of themselves or break themselves into nothingness. Be found or get lost in the middle of it, you know?"

Soobin snorted at that, "Don't think it works like that."

"What do you mean?"

"Use it to make yourself or break yourself. It's not a tool, it's not a double espresso americano, you can't just take a few sips and see where it takes you- an inflow of energy or absolute burnout. This city's alive, the people here, like you already mentioned, they're diverse, they all want different things, but often, if you're unlucky to run into such people, they want the same things you do. Then you're an obstacle they rather not have there," Soobin took a breath, "You have to remain alive in it. This hell hole is based on that."

He felt himself deflating, already saying too much for his liking.

"So you would rather give yourself away to hopelessness?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"The glass is half full or empty. Yours is definitely empty," Yeonjun replied.

"It doesn't matter how much water's in the cup. When you drink it, it's still gonna make you feel the same way, ease the thirst- or not- the same amount."

"Sure, but are you just gonna sit there and think your input doesn't matter?"

"And then what? Feel disappointed in the end?" Soobin turned his head to look at the other. It was clear to him from the tone the other was using, even Yeonjun was aware this conversation wasn't about the city anymore, rather than the philosophy of life. 

Soobin didn't mind venturing into those ideas, the optimistic point of view, the idealistic reality everyone wanted to live in, the fairy tales told by the man with the raspy voice, but he knew far too well real life didn't work like that. Far from it. 

The sky was turning a dark shade of amber when Yeonjun announced that they had finally arrived. 

The apartment was located in a slightly worn-out building, the paint chipping off the sides of it and the entrance door too heavy for Soobin's weak arms. They took an elevator up to the eighth floor and could already hear the music coming from behind the doors. The other boy didn't hesitate to press the bell repeatedly until they were let in, and Soobin had to hold himself back for a second. 

The party was not necessarily "a small, nothing special, just for friends, haha, Soobin, it's not that big of a deal, come on, just you, me and a few other people" as Yeonjun had explained earlier. From where he was standing, he could see a dark hallway in front of him, a room to the left and a room at the end of it.

Okay, the apartment wasn't massive, it was only a tad bit bigger than his own, yet it didn't take away from the fact that the smaller space was filled with people. Where had he got himself into?

"Hyung, I don't think this is for me," he wanted to reach for the others arm, but Yeonjun had already stepped out of his shoes and hung his jacket on a hanger, and was inviting Soobin in, urging him to do the same.

A boy was waiting for both of them, it appeared that he was the one who had opened the door when Yeonjun had rung the bell.

"It didn't go quite as planned, as you can see," he smiled and shook Yeonjun's hand at which the other laughed. 

"A good place for making connections, I'm not opposed to it," he answered. "This is Soobinie," both of the boys turned to Soobin, who was, at that moment, struggling to take off his shoes and find a safe hiding spot for them so that they wouldn't get stepped on, "And, Soobinie, this is Taehyun."

"Uh, yeah, nice to meet you," he straightened up from where he was hunched down to shake the smaller boy’s hand. He had dark brown hair covering his forehead, black skinny jeans and a simple white shirt. His grip was noticeably far stronger than Soobin's energy drained one during the handshake.

They followed Taehyun further in, and Soobin could see that they were seemingly the youngest ones there, the other guests raging from their age to what looked like college seniors. They were sharing beers, joking around and singing along to karaoke displayed on a living room tv. Soobin was thanking God, Jesus, Zeus, even Aladdin and the genie in his mind, as he didn't spot anyone he personally knew between the people filling the apartment. 

They entered another room, the lamps turned off, a pink neon light bulb the only source of illumination. It was a bedroom with a king-sized bed, a stationary computer and a bunch of music equipment. Upon seeing them, a boy sitting by the pc stood up, placing the guitar he was holding in the hands of a girl, who was sitting on the bed, legs crossed underneath her, and waved at them. 

"Yeonjun, hey," the boy came closer and hugged the older, "happy to see you." he smiled at Soobin, "I'm Beomgyu, glad you could join us." To which Soobin quietly murmured a "hey" back. 

"Happy late birthday," Yeonjun pulled out a small red box from his back pocket and handed it to Beomgyu, the other accepting the gift with a knowing smile. "Didn't know you were close to this many people," Yeonjun said, placing his now empty hand on the other's shoulder. The boys seemed to be close.

"Ahh, no, actually my brother insisted on this, they're all mostly his friends. Said it's special and we should celebrate my coming of legal age on a larger scale," Beomgyu timidly admitted. 

He seemed nice, more down to earth than the guests in the other rooms. Soobin could tell the boy had lighter hair, though he wasn't sure in the absence of light. He was wearing a black formal shirt, only one side tucked into his pants.

"You both wanna join us?" he gestured to the bed where the girl was lazily pressing on the guitar strings, creating a faint melody, while Taehyun, who had already accompanied her, was humming, guiding her song. 

It struck to Soobin that most people here were probably talented in arts- writing music, singing, rapping. If his heart wasn't already beating in an uneven rhythm before, it sure was now.

What was he supposed to say he did for a living? "Hello, my name is Soobin and I stare at the ceiling wishing a bolt of lightning would strike me so I could finally get some rest. Hobbies? Ah, of course. I would call myself a professional dust collector. Where do I keep my collection? Everywhere! Under my bed, on the tabletops, in between pages of textbooks. Future goals? I'd say becoming a raccoon trainer, but as I'm quite positive that's not a real job, I'd have to go with a quick and painless deat-"

"What do you say?" Yeonjun was calling him out from his daydreams. Day-mares?

"What?" Soobin blinked way too many times. 

"Let's go get some drinks and chill here?" the boy repeated. 

"Yeah, okay." 

During the night Soobin learned that Beomgyu lived in the apartment with his older brother, both pursuing arts, both fully supported by their family. He learned that Taehyun was two years younger than him and that he and Beomgyu had been friends since kindergarten. Kind of similar to him and Kai, best friends since day one, although their relationship seemed calmer and of a kinder nature than his and Kai's constant bickering. The girl, whos name Soobin didn't catch, was Beomgyu's classmate with a lovely singing voice, eager to learn to play the guitar, which was one of the many talents the host possessed.

And it was fine. The night was passing safely.

Yeonjun had found champagne in the kitchen and passed Soobin the bottle and a pink plastic cup to match it, sipping on a can of beer himself, showing the tip of his tongue to Teahyun each time the younger boy complained about not being the appropriate age of drinking yet.

Other guests would periodically join their circle or pull Beomgyu out of the room to make him say a toast or to simply congratulate him on the special day.

Soobin wasn't the most active to take part in their conversations, but in a way, he was grateful to be out of the house, not to feel lonely tonight, not to worry about sleeplessly shifting and turning in bed for hours. It was quite cosy here. Didn't match Soobin's pretty floral bedsheets and the never-ending moon's spotlight he was already used to, but the way the neon light reflected on their cheekbones and the way the noise from the room next to theirs was hushed by the soft melodies the others hummed, made it bearable. 

It was around midnight when Yeonjun had been gone from their circle for about thirty minutes, Beomgyu urging Soobin to go find him, probably noticing the uneasy lip-biting the other was keeping himself busy with while the older was missing.

"He does this a lot," Taehyun added barely louder than a whisper, "If you're worried he has forgotten about you, he hasn't," like a secret shared between them.

Soobin with eyes wide shook his head, reaching to scratch at his nape, "What? No, I-," he coughed.

"Then maybe you could just go bring us some snacks, please?" Beomgyu interrupted with a pleading look on his face. 

Yeah... yeah, he could do that. 

As Soobin was exiting the room, slowly closing the door behind him, he could hear someone shouting "shots" followed by a joyful cheer coming from the kitchen. Soobin was a lightweight drinker, the champagne already doing its job, making the boy's tired eyes even more drowsy, as he made his way tiptoeing through the groups of people.

This was how the characters in the games he played felt like. He was sure of it. Controlled by an unseen force, focusing on the task at hand amid the chaos, which was the other players/guests pushing and pulling him back and forth. 

In the kitchen, the concept of what was unfolding right in front of him was simple, yet for some reason, Soobin needed a minute to grasp it. Was it the alcohol? Definitely the alcohol. And he for sure needed more of it, or perhaps less of it, now that he realised his mouth had been left hanging open, trying to analyse the scene. 

In the dimly lit kitchen, the air was too thick and hot for comfortable breathing. Sweaty bodies pressing to one another around the dark wood table placed in the middle, all chairs turned to face the counter to the left where a sink and a built-in oven was placed. The counter white and lacquered, reflecting the only light in the room, which came from the extractor hood above it. 

Yeonjun was sitting on top of the counter and giggling, holding up a shot glass in one hand, the other used to lean on. Tiny drops of sweat decorated his neck and forehead, presenting the boy as a never-before-seen gemstone, shining in the admiration the others showered him in. He looked confident. Confident as he crossed his legs and confident as he cleared his throat, the room falling silent, bright eyes staring right back at him.

"Okay, okay, last one," he giggled into his sleeve, and it reminded Soobin of the first time he saw the other. 

Softer. 

For some reason, Soobin could feel sadness filling his guts now, making him clench his teeth. His heart threatening to turn solid. 

One of the older boys sitting by the table switched on a soft beat, turning it louder, masking the background voices coming from the living room, and Yeonjun, furrowing his brows and closing his eyes, leaned his head back at the wall behind him, exposing his jawline, slowly moving his shoulders to the rhythm. 

The rhymes smoothly started to spill off his tongue, becoming braver and rougher with every word. What started as a whisper was now a husky low growl, the audience joining in and adding exclamations, little claps each time he took a breath, to give even more colour to his performance. 

It didn't take long until Yeonjun raised his head and opened his eyes, now easily spitting his improvised lyrics. Emotions displayed on his face- real or fake- no one could truly tell but him, yet without question, they pulled the onlookers in, leaving them close to starstruck. It wasn't just a simple, fun rap, it was a clear projection of the boy's views on life and his struggles relating to the music scene. 

When Yeonjun's head turned and his and Soobin's eyes met, the older boy grew a smile ten times bigger, making him bite his lip at its side, yet the mini-show wasn't done so he carried on.

Was it not visible enough that the other felt empty? 

Once the beat ended, Yeonjun waved his hand, inviting the younger to come closer, while his small audience cheered and poured each other, this time also including Soobin, another shot. He didn't even notice the glass being placed into his hands, his unfocused eyesight lingering on the way Yeonjun was taking deeper breaths than usual, his neck and exposed collarbones wet from the heat of the room.

"To beautiful moments!" a girl cheered, raising her class. 

"To beautiful moments, Soobinie," the older clinked his glass against the one Soobin was weakly holding and drowned the clear liquid in a single go, never breaking eye contact. 

It stung at his throat, bit at the sides of his tongue, the vodka bringing back foggy memories from the night he'd rather forget, causing Soobin to bite at the insides of his mouth, gaze searching for a chaser. It was obvious that Yeonjun wasn't even close to the state the other was in, his face kissed by the colour pink yet eyes clear and steady.

"Are you alright?" he leaned in to ask, cheek brushing against Soobin's shoulder. "Do you want me to pass you some water?"

Soobin gulped. "No, no, I think I just need some - uh - time alone," he faked a smile and turned to exit the room without any further explanation. 

The wind outside the apartment calmed his mind, while Soobin sat at the edge of the sidewalk, head placed downwards against his knees. Was he foolish to come here tonight?

The pebbles beneath his feet rubbing at the soles, sounding intriguing to lonesome pigeons searching for food crumbs in a useless place like this. One of them overcoming frighten and stepping into Soobin's vision. The boy raised his head at that. What a dumb bird. Desperate for what it can't find in a place like this, putting itself in possible danger, and for what? 

Soobin tossed it a pebble from the ground and watched the bird try to pick it up, only to conclude that it wasn't edible and stare back at him expectantly. 

"What do you want from me?" he whined to the bird. Was this the infamous drunk talk? 

The bird didn't answer. 

"I'm sorry, but you're not a very smart bird, you and your friends should fly to the shopping district. These streets are only good for cigarette buds and," he threw another piece of dirt, "stones." Soobin exhaled, hanging both of his arms over his bent knees. "And maybe drunk Soobin regretting his life decisions."

He could swear the bird gave him a judgemental look before flying away with all the rest of the pigeons.

Soobin had no idea what time it was, but the night had already spread its starry cover over the rooftops of apartment buildings and offices, the street lamps buzzing with electricity. 

A moment passed and then another until he heard the front door slowly open and careful footsteps stopping behind him.

"I brought you your coat," Yeonjun said, placing it over the other, before taking a seat next to him on the edge of the sidewalk. 

"How did you know I was here?" 

"I didn't."

"So you risked the possibility of running into me while randomly carrying my coat?" Soobin looked at the other, "you know I'd think you're trying to steal it, right? And what if I was upstairs and saw the coat missing?" he balanced his chin on the back of his palm.

Yeounjun laughed, "you're cute, Soobinie." To which Soobin rolled his eyes.

"Are you trying to be a manic pixie dream girl, hyung?"

"Oh," the other furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head, "I'll pass. That's the worst movie troupe. A quirky girl falls in love with a depressive man, allegedly of her dreams, while in reality, he can't even think for himself, let alone another person. The guy's a lost cause, yet somehow the girl still stays with him, saving the main character from himself. Absurd. And lacks personality, if I may add," he overlooked the street, gaze pausing at Soobin.

"You're not like that. I'm not like that."

Soobin let his head fall heavily against his knees, "Like what?"

"A lost cause."

"You don't know anything," he kept bumping his head against his knees as he spoke, not caring if it would bruise.

"Look, I don't know what you're trying to make of yourself, but you're soft at the core, and it's continuously spilling out of you, either you like it or not. I don't have to know you to see it, it's obvious."

Soobin wrapped his hands over his head, hiding himself completely, "Why are you saying this?"

"Cause it's the truth you desperately need to hear. You think being tough, not being open about your feelings is strength, but you're wrong. It's a cowards choice. To be soft means to be powerful, to be vulnerable means to be honest with yourself. And that's the fucking hardest part in life," Yeonjun gave out a dry laugh. "You said that a person needs to remain alive in this city, sure, I can agree with that, but it doesn't equal letting yourself be bent just to avoid being broken or worse- break yourself for someone else just to escape feeling guilty for going after what's yours. Own up to who you are and what you want no matter what it is, so you can at least feel whole, proud of yourself when you drink the half-empty cup the world has provided for you. Own your weaknesses," he straightened his legs, arms behind his back used to lean on, looking at the pitch-black sky.

Soobin's thoughts were echoing in his head, "A person thinks they know what's good for them, who they are until they're met with a dead end. A disruption, a painful realisation that they've never actually been in control of themselves and their life. Repeatedly. Okay, let's say we spend our lives opening up, softening, hurting more and more, and for what? Cause vulnerability is the true strength? It's idiocy. Ignorance is the mental equivalent to emotional numbness, and there's a reason it's called bliss."

"Are you blissful?" Yeonjun questioned to which Soobin just loudly snorted. "Look, I know it's none of my business, I get it, I'm just trying to be a friend."

"And here again you don't know what you want," Soobin finally raised his head, slightly dazed, his surroundings deciding to go on a little spin before his eyes. "I'm just gonna hold you back."

"How do you know this is not my disruption?"

"If it is, then it's not gonna take long for you to have another one and realise you're wrong," their gazes meeting after that, both of them wearing exhaustion like fine jewellery. "I think I'm gonna head home now," Soobin confessed before standing upright. 

"You want to go say goodbye to Beomgyu before leaving?" Yeonjun followed Soobin after standing up and dusting his pants off from dirt. 

"Yeah, alright, hyung."

Combining their last bits of strength, they opened the old, heavy entrance door which was threatening them with sore muscles the next day, and once stumped into the elevator, the older pressed the button to the eighth floor. 

"And what are you not like?" Soobin remembered. 

"Ha," Yeonjun laughed, "I'm far from lacking in personality, of course."

Entering the hallway of the apartment, Soobin could tell that the scene hadn't changed one bit. The guests were still sharing drinks, singing and dancing around the house, taking shots to questionable toasts. 

Making their way into the living room, they found Beomgyu and Taehyun freshly finished with a karaoke set, holding the plastic mics in hand, giggling with the others who watched. Upon noticing them, Taehyun gestured at them to join.

"Come, you got to try this," he went to place the mic into Soobin's hands, who immediately refused, pushing it away. 

"Ahh, sorry, no," the boy widened his eyes, "I actually wanted to say goodbye and thank Beomgyu for having me." 

"Oh," Taehyun nodded his head, turning away and tugging on Beomgyu's shirt to get his attention, to which the birthday boy smiled and led them all back to the hallway. 

"Already leaving?" Beomgyu asked.

"Yeah, I wanted to thank you before I went. I hope the rest of your party is well spent," Soobin said while fidgeting with his fingers.

"No need to thank me, Yeonjun's friends are my friends," Beomgyu let out a heartwarming chuckle, caressing Soobin's upper arm, before turning to face Yeonjun standing at the side. "And how are you getting home?"

"I thought I could stay the night here and, you know, leave early," he spoke with uncertainty. 

"Oh," Beomgyu bit at his lower lip, "You can do that, of course, but I think it's safe to say that in that situation you can forget about getting any sleep. You know how my brother and his friends can get, plus, I'm sure someone's already passed out on the couch," he shared a concerned look with the other.

"I can lend you some cash for a taxi ride? I mean, it's really fine, you don't have to repay me, nobody expected this to turn into such a mess."

"It's alright, don't worry, I can just walk home," Yeonjun assured, but the worrisome expressions on both the boys' faces made Soobin doubt if that was a good idea. For all he knew, Yeonjun's place could be located at the farthest outskirts of the city, making it an hour long trip at best. 

"Uhh," he hesitated, "you can stay with me again," Soobin coughed and tried pretending not to see Taehyun hide his smile behind an obviously faked nose scratch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear your feedback! Comments and kudos much appreciated, and thank you sm for reading!  
> my twt so we can be friends @yoonkiboonki
> 
> also yeonjuns outfit in this chapter inspired by their 20 cm we kpop live performance which i will singlehandedly bring to 3m views


	4. if the night held out its hand, would you take it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ~~ here we are again! 
> 
> Here are the trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> Gore (if you want to skip it then it's in Soobin's dream, starts after he enters (you'll know what i mean once you read that far, dw!))  
> A single mention of domestic abuse, it's really nothing much but in case you want to skip that part then skip the 2 small paragraphs after Soobin says "you're insane" in the first part of this chapter!

"Ryujin, please, pick up the phone," Soobin was nervously pacing around, his legs sending an alarming amount of shivers up to his spine, threatening to completely stiffen any moment now and putting the boy in a panic-induced trance. 

It was late, both of his parents already home from work, watching some old film on the TV for said nostalgic purposes, busy in their own little world. Soobin knew that if he had to go out to seek the girl, his parents would only nod and ask him not to stay out for too long, letting him live out the teenage freedom that came with being unemployed and still looked after. Perhaps only make sure if he had done his homework before being preoccupied with other things. Which he, being a good student, thank you very much, of course, had done first thing after coming home.

Beep. 

Beep. 

Beep.

"Ryujin, for fuck's sake-" 

"Soobin! Oh my god," the girl exclaimed, finally answering the call.

"What? What is it? Are you alright?" he tightened his jaw, eyes fixated on a single spot on the floor, bracing himself for whatever was about to come.

"You won't believe it, they kicked me out... again," the sound of her voice unclear and occasionally interrupted by apparent moving around. "I'm going to the roof, I don't care if someone catches me," Soobin could now hear her voice much cleared, realising that on the other side of the call, the girl was running down a stairway, tiny fast steps echoing in the background.

"No, wait, you can't, the man might call the cops again if he sees you there, you can't risk that," Soobin said while nervously bouncing his leg. 

"Do you think I'm fucking scared, Soobin? The cops can kiss my ass or shoot me dead for all I care," she spat. "Plus, I know how to get away, I'll just sneak out like last time."

"No, Ryujin, let's meet at the usual spot, please. I'll be there in a few minutes," he hung up the phone after hearing the girl mutter "fine" and ran to the corridor, grabbing his jacket and hastily tying his shoes. 

"Mom, I'll be back soon!" he shouted.

"I hope that's a promise, sweetheart! Going out to see Ryujin? Greet her from me!" she shouted back. 

"I will!" Soobin answered while closing the door behind him. 

Even though both of them hadn't been friends for that long, Soobin felt like he knew the girl for more than half of his life. They never dared to say such a thing out loud, but Soobin was sure the feeling was mutual, they were best friends, always there for each other - Soobin to talk some sense into the girl, making sure she was safe, and Ryujin to brighten his plain days, making him feel as if he belonged.

Their usual meetup spot was only a five-minute walk away from Soobin's house and the exact same distance from Ryujin's place. It was in front of a run-down funeral services office nobody ever really took notice of, making it the perfect spot for two morbid teenagers with an ironic sense of humour. 

It was dark, so Soobin made sure to walk at a quicker pace just to make sure the girl was safe and sound going there alone, yet when he got there, she was already waiting for him, a dark green hoodie thrown over her head.

"Hi," she tilted her chin up, pretending as if nothing was wrong. This wasn't the first time they were in a situation similar to this. 

"You smell of smoke," he sighed. 

"You dummy, why do you think they kicked me out?" she raised her eyebrow and crossed her hands in front of her chest. "It's so stupid, I hate living there."

"Ryu-"

"So where are we going?" she interrupted, and Soobin once again found himself exhaling a deep sigh. 

"The swings? I don't want to get in trouble. And, as you may already know, I always struggle to slip through the metal grid to get on that roof, I really don't think we should go there tonight or any time soon."

"Fine," she nodded and took the boy's hand.

It was quiet, most of the people already sound asleep in the comfort of their apartments. No bypasser could send judgmental looks their way or blame them for being too old for the playground, as they simply were not there. Lucky for the two of them, the dark never judged them, it was, in fact, where they felt the safest, the most accepted. The shadows hid away the girls trembling hands, took the blame for her muddy eyes and the circles beneath them. They gave Soobin a way to escape his boring student life and allowed him to feel, if only just for a moment. Half of life half alive. What a truly dangerous creature the dark was, holding in possession all of their secrets. 

"One day I'm gonna get filthy rich, and then I'm gonna leave this place for good," Ryujin said while using her full strength trying to reach the highest point on the swings. "Won't miss anyone."

"Where would you go?" Soobin asked, trying to match her height. 

"To hell," she laughed. "Nah, I'd send everyone else to hell and live like a king on my own. Did I already tell you I was a king in my past life?"

"Yeah," he laughed, "I think you make sure to remind me of this each time I see you."

"Good. I'll be a king in this life as well."

"A king without any servants?"

"Why?"

"Cause they're all in hell."

"Oh," she threw her head back, letting out another piercing laugh. "Yeah, yeah, fuck servants. Maybe I'll keep a few but the rest can rot in hell," she paused. "People are so powerless, I'll show them what real authority is."

"Sounds... lonely," Soobin gazed up, meditating on the sound of the swings creaking under their weight. 

"Sounds peaceful."

"Would you send me to hell too?" 

"You're a little baby, Soobin, I could never. Now that I think about it, I can't imagine what would be a good enough reason for me to even get angry at you. All you do is follow your mom's rules, do your homework and, shit, I don't know, look cute or something," said words softer than before, making the boy shyly smile to himself. 

"So you're calling me boring now, huh?" he teased.

"Stop, you know that's not true. You're a bit rusty when it comes to having fun, but you'll get there one day. If you stay by my side, I'll share my kingdom with you," the girl finished with a jump forward, gracefully landing on both feet firm on the ground in front of the swings. "Want to grab noodles before everything closes? I managed to grab some of my dad's cash before leaving."

"You're actually insane," the boy shook his head but accepted the invite.

It was only under a brighter street lamp when Soobin noticed something slightly off, reaching up to the girls face, eyes wide open. It wasn't unusual, disgustingly enough, it wasn't even rare that this happened, yet Soobin crossed his heart and swore to never normalise anything like it. An animalistic behaviour, that's what it was. But the girl only smacked his hand away, pulling her hoodie down even further, hiding her face. Another secret of the night, and sadly it seemed that they weren't the only ones relying on it, holding their mouths shut, playing pretend during the sunlight hours. 

Ryujin was a pretty girl. She was gorgeous even, her body well proportioned and skin near to resembling glass. Her smile mischievous and daring. A desperate soul doing its best to survive this ugly world. Soobin couldn't help but pray for her parent's to finally notice it, instead of leaving the purplish ornaments on her cheekbones. 

\-------

If it wasn't for the fact that Soobin was tipsy, he would still have found other reasons to blame for the situation at hand. Both him and Yeonjun were about to leave Beomgyu's apartment and head to his. Soobin guessed if he wasn't about to catch heart failure during the next few hours and fly straight to the divine heavens above, he could say he was at least (brain) dead then and there, cause how else could he explain the fact that he had brought this upon himself. Maybe he was drugged? 

Google search: are spells real? 

Google search: how to know if you're under a spell?

Google search: how to pass out on purpose?

Both of them were about to step out of the apartment before Beomgyu stopped them. "Oh, by the way, Yeonjun," he placed both of his hands in his pockets, "I have a song for you. I know you've been thinking about shifting more into the rap scene, but I wrote this one, and I really felt like your voice would fit much better than mine. I'll send you the files tomorrow?" he said with a nervous lip bite, to which the older tilted his head in suspicion. 

"Sure, sounds good," Yeonjun replied, and so they left, once again getting into the elevator, only this time being met with an awkward silence between the both of them. Soobin was tired and tipsy, his head already asking for support. At this point, he didn't care for small talk to shift their energy, he just wanted to go home. 

The walk to his place wasn't a long one, the streets half empty, the only distinct sound coming from their footsteps and Yeonjun's constant yawning. Looking at the road ahead of them, Soobin wondered if the pigeon he had met earlier that night was in fact around the same intelligence level as him. Perhaps it was a sign all along. 

"So, uh, you need like a shirt to sleep in or something?" Soobin asked in a pout while heading to his wardrobe just to end up opening it and spending a minute too long staring at nothing in particular to avoid the current circumstances a bit longer. When the question was not met with an answer, he poked his head out of the bedroom to see Yeonjun in the kitchen blankly caressing the leaves of his mother's lavender plant. He nervously bit at the insides of his cheeks and turned back around to pick out a simple black shirt from the wardrobe, tossing it at the other boy. "Here," he gulped, "I, uh, gonna shower." And with that Soobin close to ran into his bathroom, locking the door behind him. 

In the mirror, his face looked distorted, or was it the steam from his shower covering the glass that made it look so? The boy scanned his reflection, hair wet, sticking to his forehead almost covered his eyes, yet the hints of exhaustion hiding in them unmistakable. Soobin held up his finger and drew a little happy smile on the layer of steam, the wet from the surface collecting under his nail and dripping down the boy's arm. Life was a little funny sometimes, was what ran through his mind when he crumbled to the floor on his knees. Soobin stared at the wall trying to reflect on what he was feeling, but the fatigue dancing through his bones took the lead. Emotionless. Was it possible to feel everything yet nothing at all at the same time? 

There, on the floor, Soobin was the highest radio tower, dividing the clouds into halves, withstanding the cold breeze that greeted him, he was a dog with a heavy metal chain around his neck, blood threatening to spill from the old scabs the cruel collar was repeatedly brushing against. But most importantly, he was Choi Soobin. A boy who fucked his own life up and now was hoping for redemption when he did not deserve one. Did not deserve the blue-haired boy in his clothes, spending the night next to him. God damn it, didn't deserve to even breathe the same air Taehyun or Beomgyu did, both of them talented and hardworking to the core. 

A knock at the door.

"You alright there?"

He didn't reply.

"Soobin?" the other asked, and Soobin let himself completely slide to the ground, his thighs colliding with the matt below. 

"Yeah, just give me a second," he breathed. 

A sigh. From the sound of it, he figured the older sat down pressed against the door.

"You shouldn't have invited me over if you didn't want me here," he spoke up and Soobin stayed silent once more, the fear of holding another person back, making them lose their shine because of his lack of talent or readiness to open up, gripping at the strings of his soul. No wonder the other boy had disappeared from their circle based in Beomgyu's bedroom, probably already sick and tired of Soobin's barely audible voice. "It's fine, Soobin. I'll just leave," it seemed like the other stood up, "Thank you for coming tonight, I enjoyed having you there," he said against the door before creating distance between the two of them.

Soobin closed his eyes and gripped at his hair, feeling the sharp pain echo through his cells. He steadied his breathing, pulling on his sweatpants and a clean shirt, and unlocked the door, stepping out of the bathroom. Sure, he could ruin his own life as much as he pleased, but that didn't give him a pass on ruining others’, wasting their time and being a burden. 

Yeonjun was by his door, tying his shoes when he noticed the younger watching. 

"Stay," Soobin said barely louder than a whisper.

"What?"

"I said you could stay." Even though Soobin wasn't looking at anything in particular, his eyesight purposely unfocused, he could still feel the other's eyes on him. "You can use the shower if you need to," he added before shuffling into his bedroom. 

Soobin was the polar opposite of someone others would call a social butterfly, but he did know a few of the unwritten rules of society. For example, Soobin knew to pretend not to look while the person he was by accident sharing his bed with took off their shirt, luckily for his sanity, that was already hanging by a thread, just to put on another one. The night outside was shaded in the darkest of black, but Yeonjun's skin reflecting on his window cut through it like lightning, making the other boy struck in place, only the blood flow pulsating through his veins awakening him once again to his surroundings. 

When Yeonjun reached to unbutton his pants, Soobin thought he heard something click in his mind that was followed by white noise. Ah, yes, his body was providing him with a belated warning sign of madness. Wonderful. 

Soobin reached for the cassette player, turning it on and switching through the fairytales provided, choosing the one for the night. Even though he was tired and barely keeping his eyes open, both the work of alcohol and introversion, he wasn't a fool to the moon's tricks and was aware that falling asleep could still prove to be troublesome. 

"You sleep with music on?" the other boy in the room asked, and Soobin stopped his movements. 

"Ah, well," he was at a loss. Did he forget that it was quite strange for a nineteen-year-old to have a habit of listening to children's stories before falling asleep? "Yeah, ah..." he turned off the cassette player and found a calming playlist on his computer, hoping it would be enough to charm him to sleep.

Even if the atmosphere in his room was foreign, Soobin was glad to finally be back in bed. It was nice to have his body covered by the soft blanket, limbs flattened into the mattress. 

They were lying back to back, an arm's length between them, soft exhales and stiff movements. If anything, Soobin would have thought the other would be bolder, last time this didn't seem like an issue for him, but for some reason, Yeonjun was being quiet and evasive. Maybe after tonight, he will never see him again? Disgusted by Soobin's constant breaking down, who would blame him if he disappeared?

\----------

They say the ocean's more than eighty percent unmapped and unabsorbed by creatures living on land. The beasts that swim in its depths and their secrets still a complete mystery to those whose lungs can't bear the pressure of its pit. Oh, the fragile human body, oh, the oblivious human mind, reaching far and wide into space above while not being able to escape the lack of knowledge that follows them in relation to what's hidden within. 

There was seaweed around him, tying Soobin to the ground. Or was it him twisted in the green algae, disrupting its peace? Holding up a hand and carefully brushing away the dried sand from the side of his face, the boy gained an understanding of his whereabouts. It was hot, the red sun blazing in the sky, making him blind for a split second. 

What was he doing in a place like this? Soobin sat up, shaking the dirt out of his hair, untwisting the slimy goo from holding his ankles. Shoeless, with ripped jeans and barely a shirt on, he crossed his arms trying to keep himself warm. Soobin had been washed ashore on a lonesome island, only the sound of wind rustling palm trees inhabiting the land he stood on. 

As he was busy exploring the island, Soobin failed to notice the dusk creeping up on him, painting the scenery grey and even more unbearably silent, his ears begging for a human voice. During the day, he came across nothing but trees, some lizards here and there and pathways leading to nowhere in particular, but now when the question of a safely spent night was raised, Soobin found himself standing in front of a cave much taller than him. An invitation he perhaps should decline yet the faint songs of cicadas were replaced by the hissing of snakes, and, see, that was an invitation he'd rather miss out on by any means.

The cave was the exact opposite of welcoming, the walls stretching deep into the ground and the flooring made out of clay sticking to Soobin's feet, but he guessed it was way better to spend the night here rather than to roam around the island searching for luck, just to end up falling prey to a wild animal. Even though he hadn't run into any during his prior examination of the place, he still had his suspicions.

He sat on a flat rock by the walls, knees pulled up to his chest until the quiet blowing of the wind that enveloped him was disrupted by a familiar scream, making the boy twist his head at the direction the noise came from. 

Multiple people, a single person, he didn't care. If there was a chance to find a way out of here, he would go for it, all he needed was to see what hid inside, perhaps he could at least secretly steal some food or tools. Either way, it was more beneficial to risk getting more in trouble, than starving in the middle of the jungle, wondering what would have happened if only he took a closer look.

Soobin was dragging his fingertips along the sides of the cave, taking slow steps, walking deeper and deeper in. The background was silent once again, leading him to think that what once was there was gone already, but the boy was determined to seek the cause of the noise from before. 

At the end of the long cave, Soobin could see a fire burning, a torch placed on the ground illuminating the space surrounding it, and something resembling a sack lying slightly further away. 

Soobin came closer, examining the dirt around it where a few gold coins were scattered in a diameter from the scene. He hunched down next to the lump of fabric and carefully lifted the upper layer of cloth.

A face, a pale face greeted him. Or rather something that once was a face, but now only a mass of used skin, a soulless creature missing both of its eyes, blood pouring out of the holes and creating slick threads stretching on to the fabric that once covered them. 

Soobin flew back in terror, landing on his back, both hands covering his mouth as his stomach was threatening to empty itself any minute now. But it wasn't the end of the horror in front of him. Gagging yet holding himself back, he took another look at the body. 

To say the eyes were missing would be a lie, as Soobin could now see them still hanging by deep purple veins on each side of the red liquid covered head. He didn't even dare to guess what had happened to the poor man in front of him.

Soobin felt his whole body grow cold once he noticed that on top of the dead body's forehead was an engraved sentence. 

Ignorance is bliss 

Now he could see it clearly, knew why the scream sounded familiar, why the blood on his hands that wasn't there before was the same colour as the one decorating the dead man lying on the ground. Why his forehead was starting to sting, making him wish he hadn't seen what he did. The boy coughed, feeling his stomach acid climbing up to his throat. He pushed himself up from the ground and started running back, trashing against the walls, tripping on rocks in his way. 

No, no, no, no. 

Soobin was muttering to himself while trying to escape, bruises and clay covering his lower body, yet when he reached the exit to the cave, he was met with a loud bang coming from the sea. An explosion.

It all made sense now. 

\--------

"Soobin?" 

"Ummm, hey, Soobin?"

"Hey, look at me."

Soobin woke up darting upwards, gasping for breath. He closed his eyes and immediately held both of his palms over his jaw, finding it difficult to unclench his teeth. The boy was covered in a cold sweat, all of his muscles aching, barely functional from the pain caused by tension. It took him nearly a full minute until he realised that the dream had already ended and he was back again in his room with the older boy by his side, staring at him with wide eyes, hands draped over Soobin's shoulders- drawing circles. 

"Soobin, are you alright?" Yeonjun looked more concerned than he should have. This was Soobins daily life. The boy was gently rubbing at his sides, his hands burning in contrast to the younger's skin. "I'm gonna bring you a new shirt, okay?" he said, jumping out of the bed and hurrying to Soobin's dresser.

Even though the world kept taking from him, Soobin never cried. It took away his friends, his family, his sleep, his strength. And maybe that's the exact reason why the boy could never let a single tear fall, cause shedding tears demanded strength, both physical and emotional, and he was nothing more than a hollow well.

Out of everything, maybe he could agree that he was at most somewhat angry, or was it rather the frustration of constantly waving the white flag, nearly screaming "that's it, I give up, I can't do this anymore" every day, yet being met with more and more hardship. God didn't listen to him, no one ever really did, and if somehow magically in the end they did, Soobin wished they hadn't.

It took some while for his jaw to unclench, each and every one of his teeth hurting in his mouth. He was wondering how long it will take for them to get damaged by all the grinding and biting he does during his night terror sessions. Being awake made Soobin exhausted, sleeping, or rather trying to do it, even worse.

The bed dipped and Soobin felt the other's warm hands on him again. "Can I help you?" Yeonjun whispered, going back to rubbing circles on his back. 

What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do? All he wanted was to finally have the possibility to rest (in any type of way). Soobin stayed quiet, moving his palms to his temples, feeling a headache incoming, overpowering the numbness he felt.

"Come here," he could feel the other shifting in front of him and starting to lift his shirt up, the cold, soaked fabric making him shiver. "Soobin, could you please..." he lightly lifted the younger's hands upwards, guiding the shirt over his head and pulling over the clean one before gently patting dry his forehead with the other.

Soobin lifted his gaze to meet the other's eyes, finally fully acknowledging the boy, and then the waves crashed over him, this time not spitting him out by the shore but pulling him further into the unknown. Soobin could swear to whoever wanted to hear it, the moon was his soul's foe, the hatred rooted deep within, yet here it was, playing so innocently in between Yeonjun's eyelashes. 

"I'm so sorry," Soobin whispered as they both laid back down, the older draping the soft blanket back over them, the fabric reaching up to their chins.

"It's alright," he whispered, a worrisome look on his face.

They were now facing each other, quiet breaths and slowed movements of smooth skin sliding against the sheets for a more comfortable pose filling in the air between them. Would it be a crime if Soobin allowed himself to shift closer to the boy? He swallowed and looked away from the other, the sensation of cold now long forgotten and unfamiliar. How silly. 

"May I?" Yeonjun offered yet another secret to the night, and Soobin forgave him in an instant. Maybe the boy didn't know any better? 

But the way he moved his hand in the search for the other's and the way he brought it up to his own cheek and cuddled up to it, the way he closed his guilty eyes for a second too long, made it seem like he knew it all too well. Yeonjun's cheek was warm, and Soobin was nearly burning up inside trying to suppress the need for more, the flames colouring even his fingertips pink, heartbeat vibrating in his throat. 

"I'm sorry I woke you up." 

"Does this happen a lot?"

Soobin averted his gaze again, "I guess."

"You know, when I was a child I used to get a lot of nightmares too," the other boy's voice faint, not louder than the few tiny raindrops now starting to settle on the windowsill outside.

"I would wake up crying and crawl into my parent's bed, so my mother taught me a trick. She said that whenever I had a bad dream, I had to imagine a happy ending for it," Soobin could feel Yeonjun's tiny breath on his wrist as he spoke. "I used to dream about falling. It's a pretty common nightmare, nothing intense. Often I'd dream about falling off of our apartment's roof, other times from a building I'd seen in a computer game, but always the same scenario. One moment I would be with my friends or family, doing basic everyday things, and the next I'm sky high, looking down to the ground beneath me," he squeezed Soobin's hand a little before continuing.

"And her advice really helped. I'd wake up and imagine my fall being only the start of a flight, how, before I reached the ground, I grew wings within seconds and flew into the sky. Soon after I started practising that, my nightmares came to an end. So think about it, what ending would you chose for your dream, now that you have the power to design it?" he said while gently opening Soobin's palm up and nuzzling more into it.

A different ending to his dream? Would it mean not being here now? Oh, how silly, Soobin might even consider dreaming it again just to wake up to this once more. 

The music that he had put on, had stopped playing somewhere between the nightly hours, and now, while Soobin's gaze slowly travelled between his hand hidden under the other boy's cheek, the blanket wrapping them both in a cosy cocoon and Yeonjun's slightly spread pink lips way too close to his already flushed skin, he could see the first signs of the morning sun creeping in uninvited. It was peaceful. Even if he knew moments like these didn't last, didn't float away without leaving a new sting in a person's heart, he wanted to cherish it. 

It didn't take long for Yeonjun to fall back asleep, his cute snores making Soobin flash a smile. And this here was supposed to be his hyung? The magical fox from weeks ago, the glistening pearl covered performer from Beomgyu’s kitchen's tabletop, the guilty eyed lightning striking pale in his room. The worried friend in the early hours of the morning, and the child lying asleep by his side.

Choi Yeonjun was a puzzle, his intentions unclear, or perhaps a blessing Soobin should leave unquestioned rather than ruined. A deadly contrast to his nightmares, or rather fresh air, an unfamiliar sensation of being alive between all the "barely here" his life had been before this.

How not to ruin him, this or himself? Some questions were left unanswered because of fear, not some mystical gain. Soobin guessed that time will show if this was something he will have to regret later, add to the list of "proof that Soobin is not the brightest person in the world" or, if more explanation was needed, "Soobin knew this was trouble yet he still did it. God, what an idiot".

Soobin didn't notice when he, as well, drifted back asleep, his eyes heavy and closing shut by themselves, but in the morning when the room was bright and the noises coming from outside a piece of evidence that the bussy hours of the day had started quite a while ago, Soobin woke up to an empty bed. 

He rubbed his eyes, remembering the events of the night, and couldn't help but feel an itch of embarrassment. Soobin rolled closer to the spot where Yeonjun once lied and searched for another possible note, but ended up empty-handed. Still, the pillow smelled like the other boy, and Soobin allowed himself to indulge in it, digging his face down into the soft material. 

Should he apologise? Be polite and send a text asking if the other had slept well? Should he even spend time pondering on the idea that Yeonjun was willing to see him again? 

It took Soobin quite a while to gather courage for this moment of bravery, but sometime during the day, in between laying in bed and playing video games, he managed to come up with a text that seemed casual enough.

Soobin: 

"I enjoyed the event, thank you for taking me along. I hope I didn't disturb you too much :)"

Oh, how cruel life was, the older boy keeping Soobin in suspense, wondering if he had done something wrong, yet again not deserving of a reply. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha haaa ~ writing this was making me slightly sad, so if youre hurt, i need you to know, im hurting with you c: would you laugh if i said this was supposed to be a fluffy fic? 
> 
> don't forget to leave a kudos if you enjoyed reading and remember that comments keep me motivated! thank you everyone for reading :")


	5. blue hues under the sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While Soobin is stuck in his head, let's take a look at what goes on in the world around him, shall we?  
> no trigger warnings for this chapter :")
> 
> Please enjoy the beautiful drawing done by @sherrawed on twt!! and if you're coming here by notification, there is also another stunning artwork added to the first chapter, please make sure to check it out!!

Beomgyu has felt this way as long as he remembers, to the point where doubt over his existence without it has made its way into the boy's mind way too many times. There would be no him in this world without it, wouldn't there? In a way, he didn't want there to be.

While other kids were playing catch, stuffing their cheeks with lollipops and getting scolded for dirtying and ruining their newly bought clothes by running after each other, giggling, on all fours searching for pretty rocks on the playground, he was counting days until the next weekend. 

Mondays were alright, the memories of the previous days still fresh behind his eyelids, as he relived them over and over again, daydreaming on his way to kindergarten.

Tuesdays and Wednesdays were the worst, that's when the hours seemed to stretch nearly to infinity, making the little boy moody, a never disappearing pout on his lips, arms crossed over his chest, tugging on his mother's skirt, refusing to pass by the place he loved so dearly.

The other two days were just a matter of how early he could make himself fall asleep and force them to pass, excitement bubbling in his stomach.

Later, while other pre-teens were figuring out their dreams, secretly going on dates and holding hands under tables, he laughed. He didn't need any of that.

Sure, he had his hobbies, wanted to pursue art and music, as it allowed him to liberate his mind and heart, but dating and all of that seemed funny to him. Why would he find someone else if he already had everything he needed? Did the others not appreciate what they had?

A few years into the cringe-worthy age of puberty, Beomgyu painfully came to understand more about himself than he thought he ever would, and once he did, it was like some essential truth about his being was brought upon him. Slapped against his face, punched into his gut, just like a wildfire set free in the depths of his soul.

His classmates were gossiping about first kisses and touches shared with strangers at parties, while he shrank in his chair, nibbling on his lower lip. 

He didn't want to link fingers with the cute girls bringing him chocolates on Valentines, didn't care for the smell of their fruity perfumes lingering in the air when they threw their hair up in ponytails exposing their necks, didn't long for their embraces or love confessions. 

Because you see, Beomgyu had this friend, and this friend's hugs were warmer than the summer heat, and this friend's smile welcomed him more than a cool pillow after a tiring day, and this friend held his secrets locked away in his heart about the silliest things as if they meant life or death, and this friend always awaited him on the weekends with snacks and a new video game, and this friend was the most talented, hardworking person he'd ever met, and this friend held the fucking world in his sparkling eyes when he gushed about his passion for singing, and Beomgyu was ready to dissolve in them while listening.

And this friend was... well, his friend. With a capital F.

It happened after one of their movie nights. They were snuggling up under a fluffy blanket, already in bed, legs tangled in the mess, arguing over which character would win in a fight if it came down to it, sleep slowly overpowering them as they bickered. The morning seemed undifferent from all of their other ones, yellow in its hues, familiar. 

Beomgyu woke up first, already wanting to reach for his phone to browse social media, yet in the midst of trying to expend his body forward, he felt a sudden hot tear run down his cheek, making his arm stay put with both surprise and deep knowing. It wasn't that unusual. Truly. His lovely friend, soft on the inside but cold for the untrustworthy, was wrapped around him resembling a baby koala, pressing against his back, palms in tight fists anchored in his shirt, blowing tiny breaths on his neck.

But if this wasn't anything new for them, then why was the feeling clutching Beomgyu's heart so unexplored? 

He quickly wiped away the tear and lied back down, turning to sleep on his back, his friend adjusting to the now pose, placing his chin against the other boy's shoulder. Beomgyu didn't even dare to spare a glance to his side, not wanting to face the feelings that lingered around him.

So far, he could admit he felt blue even in the morning sun. It's not like he hadn't suspected it, hadn't noticed the giddiness that was brought upon him each time he made his way to the boy's house, lately accompanied with a soft tingle in his veins. He saw it coming, just decided to ignore it, hoping it would soon go away and leave no traces. But like all things purposely ignored, the fact slowly started weighing heavier and heavier on his mind, until he fell asleep imagining scenarios, exploring it, was woken up by dreams where he unconsciously relished it and lost trail of thought on an everyday basis by being reminded of it.

All in all, he was a goner with no chances of escaping the fate of falling for his childhood's best friend.

Even now, just lying there, feeling the warmth of the other besides him did more than he could take. The feeling of his cheeks turning a darker shade of red was the least alarming of all the other symptoms. 

He was not disgusted with himself, did not think his preference was sinful or wrong, cause how could something so pure be associated with something so dark? His newfound love for men while essentially being one himself wasn't it, loving the same gender was not what scared him, but rather the knowledge that love was not only salvation as the movies and books taught - it was also a cage.

One that kept you either locked away or one that trapped you by your leg, letting others see the deep scars, while you had nowhere to run. If you got unlucky your choices lied between those two.

For the last months, Beomgyu had been hidden away, trapped between bars somewhere far no one could reach, and he was anything but willing to come forward, bleeding on the one he cherished. 

He settled on being locked away. For now or maybe forever, that was yet undecided. 

"Hey," his friend opened his eyes, stretching out his arms over Beomgyu's stiff body. 

"Hey," he quietly answered, still not ready to fully recognise the other.

"Everything alright?" the boy suspected.

"Yeah, I was just wondering about something," he exhaled after a minute of silence, to which the other tilted his head worried. "Do you think we'll be friends forever or will there come a day when you won't know who I am?" the words barely louder than a whisper, getting caught in his throat.

"Even if we drifted apart, I don't think I could ever forget you," the other furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "We've been together since the day I was born, how could I lose those memories? You're being silly," he shook his head. "Did you have a bad dream?"

Sadly, there were quite a lot of things in life that could make even the most determined change their minds - love and hate were two of those. 

"Ah, sorry if I made you worry," he finally turned to face the other, flashing a smile. "Being hungry makes my head dizzy," the boy tried to laugh to lighten the atmosphere, "You need to start waking up earlier or I might have to establish a set of rules that allow me to sneak food into the bed so I can survive the long wait." 

The younger laughed, kicking the blankets away, "Well then get up, let's order some."

A few years later when his parents decided to move back from Seoul to Daegu, the place where he was born but didn't recognise as his home, he stayed behind and started living with his older brother, which allowed him to mature on many levels, and he noticed the other boy withgo the same.

With time their relationship transformed, it wasn't snuggles and giggles anymore, staying up late and counting birthmarks scattered across their skin, but rather working on music, doing schoolwork and patting each other on the back when the latter was feeling down.

This was how their relationship from Beomgyu's perspective continued. The sting in his heart never going away, but he learned how to deal with it, how to silence it in times of need and how to let it fully overtake, indulge himself in it, when alone. 

But all good things come to an end, and lately, was it his hormones or the side effects of unreciprocated feelings being way too big of a part of his life, he felt his hands shake both hot and cold and mind cloud up whenever he was gifted with the other boy's presence.

They weren't kids anymore, and Beomgyu felt like he had to stop making kid's decisions. 

One of the main factors that contributed to the rise of his confidence levels, was no other than the beautiful mess Choi Yeonjun. After messaging each other back and forth on social media and deciding to meet up, they got along pretty well right from the start, and he could see the older boy was just as serious about music as he was, maybe even more, so he started inviting him over to write, produce or just have a good time.

Inevitably Beomgyu got to introduce the latter to his best friend, who greeted him with a bright smile, happy to have met another hard working individual in a world where lack of motivation was the norm.

"Hey, my name is Taehyun," he expanded his arm to the boy spread across Beomgyu's bed, wanting to have a handshake.

"Oh, hey, have I seen you before?" Yeonjun pointed a finger and squinted his eyes upon seeing the other.

"You kind of remind me of a guy I hooked up with a few weeks ago, sorry if that's weird to hear," he shook his head laughing, clearly not aware of the tension he had created in the room. "I'm Yeonjun, by the way."

That day was the first time Beomgyu felt his shoulders relax in years, cause the younger boy returned the playful look, not taking the comment by heart, not feeling uncomfortable by hearing it.

The second time the personification of mayhem or, as he liked to call himself, the IT boy Choi Yeonjun and his misadventures turned out to be near to life-saving was only a few months later when the boy, sleep-deprived, barged into Beomgyu's room while he and the younger were working on a song.

Much to the other boys' surprise, he was holding a box of bleach and blue hair dye, panting about how a cute boy online told him it would save his career and love life. That blue was now in style and all the cool idols wore the colour religiously.

"Hyung, let me get this straight, you're gonna let some boy dictate your life decisions just because he has a pretty face?" Taehyun had asked.

"Let me get something straight as well, Taehyun, - I'm not. Does that explain it?" Yeonjun grinned, throwing the boxes at the other two. "Let's get it, babes, I'll pay your rent for a few months when I get famous if you agree to help me out."

And again, the younger boy had laughed, nodding with understanding. They proceeded to spend the rest of the night dying Yeonjun's hair as a start for a better future, hopefully not only Yeonjun's. 

With his nineteenth birthday rapidly approaching, Beomgyu was left to wonder if, perhaps the time to throw himself out into the world or rather his childhood's best friends arms had come.

In a way, he felt guilty of both shielding the boy from the truth and the possible heartbreak, loss of a friend that was long due, and still seeing the other as a child. HIS best friend, HIS childhood crush, HIS secret. Because the boy was neither of those- he was Kang Taehyun, someone who chose to be besides Beomgyu all this time, chose to work on himself as an artist and a personality,- and here was Beomgyu deceiving him.

"Do you believe in love, Yeonjun?" he suddenly asked one early morning, as he and the older were both working on a new track. At least that's what they were telling themselves while they unconsciously stared into the nothingness right between their eyes, full of unspoken thought. The older snapped out of it after hearing the question.

"To answer that, I think I need to learn the meaning of the word first, Beomgyu," he clicked the pen in his hand a few times, getting ready to scribble meaningless lines in the notebook which laid flat in his lap.

"I can google it for you," he sounded far from amused.

"I see it as an addiction," Yeonjun continued upon hearing the younger's voice laced with an unmet expectation. "Love is a habit, a promise."

"And here I thought you'd be the hopeless romantic type."

Yeonjun just shrugged, "I believe in love for hobbies, for oneself. If love is another word for passion, then you can love all of that without it damaging you. That's the only love that doesn't destroy you cause you have control over it."

"Passion and control don't belong in the same sentence. You can't feel real love if you're trying to control it. That's why it's called falling in love, that's the most thrilling part. There is no sweet without bitter," Beomgyu revealed his cards, it turns out he had the "hopeless romantic" trump all along. Not a surprising turn of events.

"Then you can't love after you've already fallen way too many times or at least once but painfully."

That wasn't true, that was just hurt talking over logic, he knew Yeonjun good enough to see the other was taking it personally now, reliving the argument over and over again in his mind like a broken record. Memories are not factual.

"Addictions are rises and falls constantly interlocking, once you're down you find yourself high in the sky. Even if love was an addiction, you'd never know if the fall fas truly the fall or the rise. You might think you're down, but you're actually reaching the limit of the sky, and after that, there's only one way leading from there," to that the other looked up with a smirk.

"Sure, but addictions destroy lives, they make people dependant, lose themselves. It wears them out. One moment you're happy with your lover, the next you're only spending time with them and can't stand being alone. You just sit around, wishing they were there. And what if it's still not enough? What if you spend all of your time on them, learning their quirks, supporting them no matter what, living, building your life parallel to theirs, hoping to find peace, yet it all goes to waste. Parallel lines never meet, and the next thing you know, they're bored, you've overdosed, and you're alone again, not knowing how to live with only yourself around," Yeonjun deadpanned, not even sucking a breath in between the said words, eyes nothing but serious.

"Love is not meant to fix you, get that out of your head. It can motivate you, provide support, but once you've decided to make it your saviour, you can count yourself as gone down the deep end," Beomgyu could hear his voice falter at the last sentence. "Don't expect such things from it and you won't meet your end."

Who was he to say that when he was bubbling with hope within.

In a way Yeonjun was right, the undying truth that love could be used as a weapon against yourself while you're searching for an antidote was a well-known story everyone and their mothers were familiar with, but just like a blade, one shouldn't touch it if they didn't know how to wield it. He had spent years trying to figure it out, testing waters. 

"I think I'm ready to tell him," Beomgyu finally spoke after spending at least ten minutes building up the courage.

"Oh?" Yeonjun raised his head from the notebook in his lap again, "That you're in love with him?"

Beomgyu widened his eyes, close to choking on air, "No, not love. I mean, I never said that. I was just thinking out loud, I don't think-"

"Do you have a plan?" Yeonjun cut Beomgyu's mumbling short, in a way saving him from an early grave the boy was about to dig for himself.

"Well, no, but...-"

"I believe in you, I'm sure that even if he doesn't feel the same, he'll understand and continue loving you one way or another," the older reassured.

"Thanks," Beomgyu looked down to where he was nibbling on his fingers. "You know you can talk to me as well if you're feeling bothered."

At that, the other closed the notebook, "What do you mean?"

"You've been staring at that page for half an hour now, I haven't seen you look this tired in ages, Yeonjun. And then you give me this speech about how love is a trap and we all die in the end. Are you hurting again? I'm not going to judge you if you've decided to go back to your nightly outings or whatnot, I would just like to know why. If you're willing to tell me, that is."

"It's not that, I promise. I've just, ahh-," the older boy was noticeably struggling, which made Beomgyu grow even more concerned. "I might have got myself into a sticky situation but it could be that I'm just overthinking," the other said with a lopsided smile as Beomgyu got closer to listen.

  
  


Even if Taehyun and Beomgyu still spent the majority of their free time together, their intimacy had faded away with years, leaving Beomgyu hyper aware of the other's personal space, which he wanted nothing more but to respect.

Taehyun wouldn't stay the nights as often anymore, and he wouldn't reach out for the other on his own, wanting to snuggle, and it was fine.

He wasn't the innocent, high spirited kid from nearly a decade ago- Beomgyu had told himself this many times before.

So in a way, he was nervous when before his birthday celebration Taehyun had let him know he'll be staying over. 

The night was going great, they were spending it in his room, playing silly games, getting to know each other a little better, if for the two of them it was even a realistic goal.

Yeonjun had brought Soobin along, and the boy was noticeably nervous, feeling out of place, so he made sure to make the latter feel as comfortable as possible. 

Watching their interactions was quite cute, both of them teasing one another, poking at each other's weak spots just to heal them a moment later. It made him wonder if he was just as transparent. Perhaps even worse? Was it even bad?

He trusted Taehyun enough to know he would have spoken up if anything Beomgyu ever did made the boy uneasy. 

After being left on their own, the others scattering during the night, Beomgyu had once again been pulled out of his room by force to give another toast in the living room.

He was standing in the middle of the room, holding a shot glass filled with a pink liqueur, all eyes on him. The boy coughed in a theatrical manner, silencing the room.

"Tonight we are gathered here, in this apartment," he spoke with a deepened voice, mumbling a "for the fourth or fifth time during the past three hours" right afterwards, making the crowd laugh, "To celebrate me and my coming of age."

Everyone cheered, and he could see Taehyun standing by the wall opposite of him with a look of amusement on his face, clearly finding the older boy's performance funny, even though the latter had no idea how to continue the toast.

Perhaps the other could sense that, judging by his single raised eyebrow the lopsided grin. He cleared his throat again.

"So, as a man of the people, I make this toast an open discussion. Everyone, give a toast for yourself before we drink!" he raised his glass, pointing it at a girl to his left, inviting her to start and escaping the responsibility. 

"I want this toast to be for art!" she exclaimed, "For letting our souls fly."

"To my brother, of course, no matter how many times," the next was Beomgyu's brother, evidently too drunk for his own good, but it didn't fail to make Beomgyu smile.

Next in line was a couple, their hands intertwined, holding the glasses up to each other's lips, "To everyone's health."

Once everyone had said their toasts, they all clicked the tiny glasses and drowned the bittersweet drinks, getting back to their prior conversations. The birthday boy sighed with relief, placing the empty shot glass on a table near him and made his way across the room to Taehyun, who still had that shit-eating grin on his face. 

"You're not getting ahead of yourself?" the younger smirked, poking at Beomgyu's side. 

It took a minute for Beomgyu to realise the other was talking about the multiple shots he'd drowned that night, as he wasn't much of a drinker, and this was definitely a new scene for the both of them. And maybe Taehyun was right, even if only a bit, he could feel his body heating up, giving him an extra boost of confidence. 

"You're just jealous 'cause you don't get to make special toasts with the big adults," he stuck out his tongue, rolling his eyes. 

"Such a grown-up, yeah, I can see," Taehyun laughed, crossing his arms over his chest, and Beomgyu was enjoying this more than he led on, the boy's laughter blurring in his mind with the music playing in the background. 

"Oh, are you trying to fight me?" he squinted his eyes and dramatically rested his hands on his hips, at which the other grinned even wider.

"You know you don't stand a chance against me," and they both knew it was the truth, the statement leaving no space for discussion. 

Was it the alcohol or the longing for closeness, but when he spoke up, he didn't even register the words coming out of his mouth, even more, the soft plea behind them, "Then give a toast about me, Taehyun." 

The other boy ket his mouth widen at that as if noticing the hidden depth in Beomgyu's words. A cry to be seen even when he stood right in front of him. "I would, but...," he started, only to be interrupted by Beomgyu's brother pulling them both to join the karaoke frenzy.

It was a mundane activity of theirs- singing- so they fell into the musical and competitive headspace easily.

When Soobin had announced he'd be going home, stepping in the living room to say goodbye, Beomgyu hoped Yeonjun understood the reasoning why he didn't invite the older to stay in his room, leaving him in Soobin's hands. Intuition telling him it was the best for the both of them, as he would get to be alone with Taehyun and Yeonjun could sort things out with Soobin, and he trusted the boy- Soobin, of course. He seemed nice, and Beomgyu made sure to tell him that he's welcomed here any time.

Yeonjun needed more friends, even if he wasn't ready to admit that himself.

When Soobin and Yeonjun were about to step out of the apartment, Beomgyu stopped them. "Oh, by the way, Yeonjun," he placed both of his hands in his pockets, "I have a song for you. I know you've been thinking about shifting more into the rap scene, but I wrote this one, and I felt like your voice would fit much better than mine. I'll send you the files tomorrow?" he said with a nervous lip bite, to which the older tilted his head in suspicion. 

They had talked about this before on that early morning, this was part of Beomgyu's plan they had both agreed was needed but not yet managed to organise.

Not necessarily testing waters anymore, not fully immersing in them as well. A clear message for those who wanted to listen, a warning signal for those who decided to run. He hoped Taehyun wouldn't run. 

The rest of the night was spent in calmer melodies, but it only amplified Beomgyu's inner panic. Even though the wanting inside of him was reaching its highest levels, he couldn't let himself slip up, he had decided on a strategy and he wanted to follow it through.

But the heart wanted what it wanted, and the boy found himself closer and closer to the others side by each passing hour until he had been woken up by Taehyun's palm on his thigh, making Beomgyu realise he had fallen asleep on the other boy's shoulder while they sat on the living room floor listening to the others talk.

"Do you want to go to sleep?" the boy whispered, to which he nodded- agreeing.

Just like that, they were back in Beomgyu's room, closing the door to muffle the sounds. "You brought your stuff with you, right?" he asked while tugging off his clothing, rubbing at his eyes to stay awake a bit longer. 

"Yeah," Taehyun answered, reaching for his backpack by the bed. "We haven't had a sleepover in a while, haven't we? Feels like we've gotten out of routine," Beomgyu could hear the other was smiling through the words. 

If he was nervous before, after this small gesture, he wasn't anymore, all stress forgotten at the speed of light.

With a smile- that's how you win over a weak man. He truly had no chance against the younger boy.

Half covered under the blanket, they lied facing each other only a couple of centimetres away, eyes glistering and fingers tracing the smooth sheets beneath them, searching for cooler spots for heated hearts.

Beomgyu reached to gently swipe away a few hair strands falling over Taehyun's eyes, hand lingering for a second behind the boy's ear. "You know, I wish some things would never change," he said drawing his hand back. 

"Is this the part where you have a melancholic sob over the good ol' days?" Taehyun teased. 

"Perhaps," Beomgyu replied, "or perhaps I'm grateful for what I have now, not wanting to lose that in the future."

The other hummed in understanding, "Do you trust yourself?"

"Why?"

"To not lose the things you cherish, to make the best of life even if they do?" he explained.

Beomgyu wasn't sure if he held that kind of power in him, he guessed he'd find that out sooner or later, "I'm impatient to see," be breathed, smile fading. 

Taehyun turned to lay on his back, gaze still on the other boy, "To be honest, I'm impatient to be me in the future, the me who I envision in my head, who I'm trying so desperately to become, but I hope the future me doesn't forget this me who made it there. I want to be him as fast as possible, but I'm not jealous of that person even if he's living my dream life. Somehow, I'm content with being at this moment. Future Taehyun has things I don't have right now and current me has things the future me might not have. It's a fair game. I hope the future me never wishes to be the past me, as well." The boy smiled, looking up at the ceiling.

"There's no one else you can trust more than yourself. This might sound strange, but I hope the things you want to stay the same actually don't. I hope they grow into something far more beautiful, even if it means for them to be replaced."

And this was how Beomgyu fell deeper and deeper into the addiction Yeonjun once mentioned. Bizzare.

The younger boy held stars in his eyes, Beomgyu's soul on the tip of his tongue, speaking into it without realising the aftereffect. 

"Can I come closer?" Beomgyu dared.

"Of course," a whisper. 

And Beomgyu fell into the arms of the other, not caring if the fall resulted in a wave of pain in the future, crashing over and sucking the life out of him. He had all he needed right now. His cheek pressed against Taehyun's chest, his body draped over the boy, legs tangled together the same way when they were just kids. A warm, tingling sensation spreading through him.

He swore to himself he could stay like this forever if the other allowed.

"Thank you for being my friend, Taehyun," Beomgyu snuggled even closer, letting his eyes fall shut as he felt the other squeezing him tighter. 

"I wouldn't want it any other way."

\-------

It was the middle of the next week when Yeonjun had come over to record the song, as Beomgyu had all the best equipment in his studio/bedroom just lying around.

"Stop looking at me like that, you brat," Beomgyu snapped once he couldn't endure the other smirking at him, to which Yeonjun faked a shocked expression. 

"Hey, hey, don't talk to your elder like that. What's up with kids these days, do they not teach respect in schools anymore?" he shook his head in disapproval. 

The other exhaled, "Just be honest and tell me if you think it's silly. Better now than when it's too late," he let his head fall into his arms.

"I think it's cute, Beomgyu," he admitted. "It's probably gonna make him hella flustered, though," at that Yeonjun earned himself a slap on the chest.

"But you're right, what if he freaks out?" Beomgyu was going through years of pinned up stress.

"Then you calm him down."

"What if he gets angry?"

"Then you give him time to think about it."

"What if he doesn't want to see me afterwards?"

"Blind dates, but mail him a blindfold and make it literal."

"Yeonjun!" Beomgyu whined, "I'm being serious here."

"No, you're overreacting," the older reached to pat Beomgyu's head, playing with his hair for a moment. "It's going to be fine."

Beomgyu sighed, closing his eyes, calming his breathing. Taehyun would understand him, he would see the other means no harm, that he has no ill intentions. Beomgyu could trust him on that.

Even if the boy admits that he doesn't want to pursue anything more than what they have now, even if he doesn't feel the same way, even if he decides to distance himself from the other for a while, deep in his heart Beomgyu knew it wouldn't end on bad terms. He had to get himself together.

However, now, when he had sorted his own thoughts, what didn't sit right with him, making it hard to relax, was the other boy's evasive gaze- the phone he didn't dare to take out his bag even after it had beeped with a new message a couple of times already. 

He threaded his hand through his hair, making the other pull his back, "You know," Beomgyu started, "you're quite easy to read, Yeonjun."

The other let out a nervous laugh, already knowing what this was about. "I sure hope not."

"You're just lucky poor Soobinie is too much in his head to see through you," Beomgyu threw an irritated glance at the other. "I hate that you're ignoring him again on top of everything. You need to talk to him."

"I can't," Yeonjun shook his head, "I don't know what to say."

"Well then come up with something, win him over with the pretty words that you always say so easily," he didn't try to hide his annoyance. "You're supposed to be the bigger person here."

Despite being disappointed in the latter, he could still admire and feel proud about the battle which was evidently taking place is Yeonjun's mind, all he could do was push the boy even further in the right direction.

Growing, evolving was never pretty, never passed without a single storm, and Beomgyu knew this statement could be related to both of them- all of them.

He just hoped that the storm they were approaching was laced with flower petals swinging in the wind, light sizzles of rain and a bright rainbow to mark the end of it, not thunder, whirlwind and getting soaked to the point of fever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im jealous of Beomgyu, it seems like he has this life figured out asdfg  
> how did you like this chapter? kudos and comments welcomed!  
> my twitter @/yoonkiboonki if you want to be friends


	6. blossom duvets for gentle hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // if youre super scared of planes or rather skip stuff about them then they're mentioned in the first part! read after the ------

"Sir, please, we need you to fasten your seat belt," the voice pulled the boy out of his thoughts, and Soobin looked up to the flight attendant standing next to his seat. She was dressed in a blue uniform, a matching triangle-shaped hat on top of her head. "Sir, your belt," the woman repeated, placing her hand on his shoulder to get his attention. 

"Oh," Soobin exclaimed weakly, taken aback by the sudden contact, and immediately buckled the belt, adjusting it to his body. "Sorry," he breathed, to which the woman gave him a bright smile.

"Nervous?"

The boy nodded in agreement, not being able to say much, "A little bit."

"I'm sure you will be fine," the woman replied, quite noticeably empathizing the word "you" before she turned around and greeted other passengers. That did not help to make Soobin's blood flow any slower from the stress. 

The plane was scheduled to depart in less than twenty minutes, and Soobin spent most of that time looking out of the small window to his left until his seatmate arrived. It was a dark blue shadowy figure, oozing with smoke. Evaporating and coming back together as it stood there. The being slid right into the seat next to Soobin's and slowly secured the belt, a faceless peace surrounding it.

"The shadow came without a carrier bag. Strange," Soobin heard his own thoughts echo all around him, but quickly forgot about it, the anxiety of flying for the first time in a long while taking over him. 

The takeoff wasn't that bad. Yeah, his ears plugged up from the pressure and at times he was dreading to yet again hear the engines go off in a low rumble when the plane encountered a more powerful rush of wind, swaying it extra to one side, but in the end, it wasn't that bad. Soobin was even contemplating on not throwing up a middle finger in case he saw the so-called heaven over the clouds.

A clear indicator that the flight was seemingly more pleasant than the boy had expected.

It was starting to get dark outside, the yellow artificial lights dimming in between the seats in contrast to the dark blue outside. The view that unfolded was breathtaking, cities without names right below Soobin's feel calling him over to explore. Earth was pretty and human creations were pure art when looked at from afar, no strings attached at least for a moment. The boy was dissociating and becoming one with the clouds.

That's how Soobin wished to live all of his life, a little distant. Most of the time it was better not to get involved or, more specifically, not to get emotions involved- hurt-, to be completely exact. Every person shared glances with was alluring before acquainted, every film cried to was a masterpiece until the news of the director being interested in minors a bit too passionately spread in the news.

Humans and their world had always been disgusting, rotten from deep within, but not from where it couldn't reach. Where Soobin could squint his eyes and it all blurred out.

And as the thought sent pleasant waves of hotness over Soobin's body, toying with his kink for solitude, the ground began to shake, rivalling the serenity.

Soobin clutched at his chair, knuckles white from pressure, as chaos spread through the aircraft. The seats were shaking, lights flickering and in the background, Soobin could already hear a passenger trying to calm another's crying. 

The shaking lasted for a couple of minutes before coming to a halt. The tiny lights turned off and the plane was filled with nothing but silence. Everyone was holding their breaths, murmuring prayers, preparing for the worst. 

Ding! We are experiencing difficulties, please be ready for a crash landing.

Oh, how greatly earth must hate him, giving Soobin this punishment for enjoying only a brief moment away from its monstrousness. Now he'll have to become one with it, possibly quite literally, smash into the soil and shatter into bits and pieces, just a puddle of colour on the metal carcass of the plane. 

The flight attendants were now running around, making sure everyone was acting accordingly to the emergency and helping passengers put their assigned oxygen masks on. His surroundings were moving too fast yet he felt as if the world had stopped.

Another shift and they were falling. Soobin could feel it. Could hear it- the screams coming from all around him, the crying, the prayers now louder than ever echoing in his ears-, yet he stayed quiet. The surreality of this situation had made him mute, only the dryness of his widened eyes, unblinking, a sign of the terror boiling inside of him. So this was how his life will come to an end?

A large hand came across his body, releasing his safety belt and pulling him to the side. It was the shadowy being, reaching for him, yanking Soobin into its lap.

"What are you-," the boy protested but each moment went by faster than he could comprehend, and in a heartbeat, he found himself between the legs of the shadow. Its arms were secured tightly around the boy, caging him in. Soobin turned his head to spare a glance at the being. 

Even though it didn't have a face, he could, in some way, understand it, interpret the movements of this passenger. For some reason, it looked sad, and for some reason, it was trying to save Soobin. 

A crack, a glitch in time made the whole world stop for yet another second, and Soobin could hear a "stay" coming from the shadow before the plane turned almost vertically, falling straight into the ground.

It was all around him, the smoke, the colour blue, the cries, the pathetic rustling of engines, the despair. 

Soobin closed his eyes for the last time. 

It was quite sunny that day, he was still in utter shock staring out of the window.

"Sir, please, we need you to fasten your seat belt," the voice pulled the boy out of his thoughts, and Soobin looked up to the flight attendant standing next to his seat. She was dressed in a blue uniform, a matching triangle-shaped hat on top of her head. "Sir, your belt," the woman repeated, placing her hand on his shoulder to get his attention. 

"Oh," Soobin exclaimed weakly, taken aback by the sudden contact, and immediately buckled the belt, adjusting it to his body. "Sorry," he breathed, to which the woman gave him a bright smile.

"Nervous?"

\--------

It felt wrong in many ways, this heavy feeling behind his ribcage. Soobin hated it. A part of him was angry at Yeonjun, at himself for thinking the older wouldn't run away, disappear without a trace while he was the one pushing him away. A part of him was reliving the last weeks, thinking how after a while, the boy showed up out of nowhere once again.

It has been a couple of days of this obvious ignoring, and Soobin was turning like a windmill- high from the memories of the other holding his hand, exhaling tiny breaths unto his skin and creating forbidden warmth between them and low when he remembered who he was.

He was Soobin, God's biggest joke. And here he was, giving himself up for yet another quick comic relief for the almighty up above. Expectations were for people who mattered.

His days were spent as per usual, the nightmares and the thoughts of the past not letting him catch a break. Waking up with red marks on the soft parts of his palms, a headache and stiff limbs. In the mirror two black holes looking back at him were supposed to be his eyes, he guessed.

He did homework, he dragged himself to the nearby store for a few packets of cup noodles, played a round or two of video games, stared at the ceiling, felt like utter shit.

There was, however, this teeny tiny new addition to his repetitive life, that gave him even more reasons to be ashamed of who he was. Soobin was a nineteen-year-old young man, who had had enough time to almost memorise the lines the man on his cassette player spoke, to fall in love, to get bored of the man's deep and lulling voice over and over again.

In a quiet room, a thousand miles away from everyone and anyone, there was a slight chance Soobin could admit this new, ahem, interest of his, but living in the heart of Seoul and a paranoid mind like a cage made it slightly harder for the boy. He felt guilty.

Because, when the night pulled over the first twilight covers and the world around him fell silent, he learned to find relief in a dumb music site, listening to this goddamned self-proclaimed artist, with this childish hair colour and friendship tactics, and an alarmingly low amount of shame. But he had a lovely voice and when the sunlight beamed, blessing his face the gumiho eyes glistened full of secrets, and perhaps Soobin had switched the sides of the bed he likes the best, cradling this one certain pillow.

No reason whatsoever, of course. 

Maybe his mother was right, maybe he should cut his hair or buy new clothes. He was willing to try it as a way to distract himself. That was what Kai had mentioned as well when he came over during the middle of the week, though his suggestion was doing it on the spot, the good old kitchen scissors and fabric paint method. Always a great choice when looking for a new regret. To infinity and beyond!

They were lounging around Soobin's apartment, as per usual, munching on snacks and separately-together doing school work.

"You know what would be great?" Kai spoke up from Soobin's bed and the older boy hummed in response, sort of asking for the continuation. "If you started watching the stuff I keep sending you, hyung."

Soobin rolled his eyes, "Not this again." He was spread across the floor, laptop and a bag of chips in front of him, typing away, too focused to give the other his full attention.

"No, no, let me finish," the younger raised his pointer finger at the other. "You have all this free time on your hands, right? Please explain to me why you're too busy to give my favourite shows some love."

"Kai, I'm not watching Molang."

"Obviously!” The younger exclaimed. “That's the issue here, that's why I'm upset." Kai was clearly heated, holding his full emotions back. "I can't believe you chose Yeonjun over me."

Soobin choked on a chip, coughing in disbelief, "Excuse you?"

"I'm surprised as well," the younger did not stop there, "From what you've told me, you've only met the guy a couple of times, yet here you are- choosing random boys over lifelong bros. Besides, I was the one who suggested you look more into him. I mean I'm happy for you, but-," Kai was rambling, taking his cartoons way too seriously in Soobin's opinion.

The older still couldn't believe the words he was saying. "I just didn't think he'd be your type, you know?" the boy finished, and Soobin was choking on air at this point. 

"My what?" he was ready to protest, hands raised in defence, finally dropping everything to look at Kai, "You've got this all wrong," Soobin sat up straight from where he was laying on the floor, laptop in front of him pulled to the side, the essay left for later, regretting everything he had ever told the younger. 

Kai was giving him a confused look, lips mouthing words without a sound. 

"What?" Soobin was getting agitated. 

"No way," Kai let out a loud piercing laugh, falling back onto the bed. 

"What?" Soobin didn't understand what the other found so insanely amusing in this situation.

"No way, hyung," he was still laughing. "You're in denial," he was wiping tears at this point. "You're so whipped."

"Get out," was all Soobin managed to say before the younger was already trying to redeem himself. 

"Listen," he took a steady, deep breath, "I'm not making fun of you, I'm just happy," Kai ruffled the back of his hair before continuing in a calmer, slower pace, sensing the other had already built his defensive walls up. "I'm just glad you found someone you like, hyung. Even if it doesn't end up being anything serious, it's nice that you can still hang."

Absolute madness. This boy was out of his mind and Soobin was wondering if it was the strict education system modern public schools had that brought him to this breaking point. Poor child. 

"First of all, I wouldn't even go as far as to call Yeonjun hyung my friend, so get him out of your head, I'm not planning on seeing him anymore anyway. Secondly," he couldn't believe he was about to say these words, as if they weren't obvious, "I'm straight."

"You're straight?" Kai repeated -puzzled-, to which Soobin nodded, reaching for another chip. "You. Are. Straight," the younger was almost spelling it out. It took a while before he spoke up again, cautious. "Hyung, do you remember your ex-girlfriend?"

Soobin was back at his essay, cheeks stuffed with food, "Yeah, what about her?" It was years and years ago, he didn't understand why Kai was bringing it up.

"Why do you think you guys broke up?"

"She wanted to see other people while she was seeing me. Why are you asking me this?" the older boy was furiously typing on his computer, eyes stinging from the bright light so close to his face. 

Kai got up and climbed out of Soobin's bed to sit down next to the latter, placing his hand on the other’s shoulder. "Hyung, what I'm about to say might come as a shock to you, but I need you to listen," he tried getting Soobin's full attention "She broke up with you cause you kept throwing glances at her older brother."

Silence. 

"Hyuka, do you think you could pass me the notebook that I left on the table? It's the green one," was his answer, dodging the bullet ungracefully. Kai sighed but complied, wasting no more time on the topic. He knew better not to cross any boundaries.

What was he supposed to say anyway? It didn't matter who he liked or who liked him, preferences meant nothing to a person, who was designed to be alone.

It was only a bit later that same day when he found himself yet again on the music platform Yeonjun used to post his songs. A notification had popped up on his phone, signalling that the boy had just uploaded a new piece. 

Yes, Soobin had followed him with an anonymous account, but only because it turned out the website was quite convenient, having all sorts of artists and podcasters, excellent for listeners with insomnia. It wasn't of deep meaning that Yeonjun was the only creator he had followed, no, that was only because Soobin had been busy with many other things he did not need to name or give further explanation to.

So it was just by coincidence and sheer interest in arts that he opened the site barely a minute later the notification rang. 

It was a song produced and written by Beomgyu, the title clearly stating so, an added link in the description leading to the younger's profile with the same song uploaded there as well. 

The cover art for the song was what seemed like a picture taken early in someone's childhood, a natural sepia filter decorating the image. It showed a close up of a young boy in shorts and a t-shirt tying another one's shoelaces, both boys' faces turned away from the camera. 

A confession 

Soobin hit play and laid down on his bed. As expected, it was Yeonjun's voice that filled the room, his vocals slow and smooth, gliding with the atmospheric melody. The lyrics were clearly what the description had already stated- a confession. A mellow declaration of feelings for a childhood friend. 

Soobin closed his eyes. 

A red coloured embarrassment flowed up from his gut to even the tips of his fingers. Now that he was alone and could let himself feel, he couldn't deny the fact that girls never interested him as much as they did other boys, yet he couldn't say that he was ever truly interested in relationships, love or sex in general. Perhaps that was the reason why he never saw this coming. Blame that on trauma.

The idea of having a lover had always been fun, was still fun to explore, but all souls were not made of the same fabric- their suffering didn’t take the same measures, they didn’t learn the same lessons. Most importantly, all souls didn't fuck up in the same ways. And he had royally messed everything up, was he even deserving of affection? Soobin was sure Kai would leave him one day as well. As they all did, as they all should.

Because even if he reached out, took a breath and plunged into the ocean of other people searching for love, a person who would understand and see past the ugliness that he saw in himself, Soobin was sure, he'd end up losing the last piece of his soul left in his dried-up chest. And that was the last bit he wasn't ready to give up. Even after everything, he was still repulsed, scared of pain like a child. He just couldn't take more of it.

The song ended, and Soobin was wondering if it was the one Beomgyu had mentioned days before, on that night at his place. He checked the few comments already posted. 

"WHAAA SO BEAUTIFUL! Answer my dms please T-T"

Soobin scrolled lower.

"Hihihi Yeonjun x Beomgyu love story??<3"

He closed the site grinding his teeth, not wanting to think about that.

\-----

Soobin woke up from the pain in his palms, nails pressed harshly into his skin again, creating descending moon shapes in places where they didn't belong. He could feel his face was a little swollen today as well, something a cold shower will wash away. 

Was there a magic word, a ritual he could perform so that the days' spent overthinking and sulking would wash away quicker? Distractions asking for distractions, Soobin was a living puddle, melting on the floor, bored out of his mind, yet there was no real way of easing this. 

The spring was heavily rolling in, breaking through his windows with its flowery smell and tiny fragments of pollen reflecting in the sun. Soobin took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the aroma, and it felt bittersweet. The memories of living with his parents painfully fresh in his mind. 

They used to get lost in the cherry blossom festivals, it was their tradition, until their ways parted, or rather until they left Soobin behind. They could have taken him with them. 

/We're so proud of you, always making us happy/

But what about his happiness? 

Soobin flopped onto his stomach, cheek pressed against the cold tiles. Who was he to care about getting dirty right after taking a shower? 

Was his happiness ever even in the frame of things? Has he become greedy? Since when?

This was why going out, seeing people was always a mistake. It made him foolishly inspired, think that there was a chance for him to change, for his life to change. And, God, he hated it- both his life and this silly hope. There it was again, the neverending disorder in his mind, thoughts bouncing from one end of the spectrum to the other.

It had been long proven that he didn't belong between people and their dreams, their motivation for reaching them. He should just keep himself locked away like he has been doing for the past year.

Soobin pressed his forehead against the floor, hands grabbing into his own nape. 

He wondered if Yeonjun simply used him and who was that song on his page about. He wondered if he will meet the boy again, if perhaps it was he who messed up again, scaring the other away.

\-----

And there that fucker was, only a day later ringing up Soobin's phone as if nothing had happened. "Delete my number," Soobin rolled his eyes.

"Soobinie, don't play me like this," Yeonjun whined, an obvious smirk on the lips Soobin couldn't see. 

"Me?" he scoffed, "Never. You though? Questionable." Maybe he was hurt, but he had his reasons, right? 

Yeonjun laughed into the phone, "I'll explain if you give me a chance," he sounded serious about that part, "I'm picking you up later, we're going out."

Soobin felt like hitting his head against the wall a few times, but still, he answered, "To where?"

"Just out, wear something warm, yeah?" the boy finished with a promise to be at Soobin's apartment around eight pm and hung up, and Soobin was left feeling worn out.

But he listened, reluctantly throwing on a fuzzy jumper when hearing the older knock at the door later that evening. 

Yeonjun was wearing a dark green v-neck jumper paired with wide darkened jeans, a backpack hanging from his right shoulder. For some reason, the other didn't look as enthusiastic as in Soobin's memories. He looked tired and quite drained. 

"Hey," Yeonjun spoke, looking up to the latter.

"Want to explain?" Soobin's voice adjusted to the other, calmer, hushed even if the words carried a decent amount or annoyance.

Yeonjun smiled at the softness displayed, "I will, but let's go get some food first." 

The night was settling in, the street lamps shining at their brightest, the people crowding by the local bars searching for trills in the lively city centre. It was the weekend after all. The air smelled like fried food, blossoms and a tinge of alcohol. 

The older fit in so well within the scene, fluid between the strangers passing by, unaffected by their shouts and accidental bumping of shoulders. He was a friend of the night, the darkness that hovered in the air, Soobin was sure about it. What clawed at Soobin’s throat, scratching mercilessly, helped the other to breathe.

They stopped at a street food booth, Yeonjun ordering them a plate of hot dumplings while Soobin found a more quiet place to settle down and eat their meal. He could practically hear Kai's voice inside of his head, shouting at him for replacing their friendship for a new one, but that wasn't what this was about. Soobin wanted to hear the other's explanation, wanted to know if he needed to apologise in case it was his fault, which he didn’t doubt.. 

When Yeonjun came, placing the food in front of the other, Soobin could see him more clearly now. After observing him, Yeonjun was definitely down, faint eyebags making an appearance. 

"So," the older started, dipping one of the dumplings in sauce, "I'm sorry." Soobin didn't know where to look at, deciding to shift his gaze and focus on a tiny dent in the tabletop. "I'm kind of a dick sometimes, but I mean well." He felt awkward as Yeonjun continued to explain. "I'm gonna tell you something I don't like telling others, so if I get all weird, bear with me," he met Soobin's eyes and the other felt like dissolving. Was he worthy of such words?

"I might have skipped a few details about myself," he started again, flopping back against the backrest of the chair, not interested in the food anymore. "It's not all sunshine and rainbows in my life. I know what I said back then at the cafe sounded simple, but it's not. Performing makes money, sure, but it was never enough if I wanted to keep living in Seoul. So..." a lopsided smile spread across his face, "I found a job. But the job is, well... it's trash," he finished by brushing his fingers through his hair, and Soobin looked up confused. 

"What do you mean?" he asked. 

Yeonjun was back at eating, "It's just bad, it's one of those basement jobs where I don't even see the sunlight most of the days. I have to help sort stuff out for shops, carry boxes, stick labels on to products. It's as dull and repetitive as it sounds."

"Why choose a place like that then?" Soobin was back to picking at the dent now.

"Cause I used to have nothing but a big ass ego. I left my home without anything, only a goal to become someone great. I was desperate, I needed something quick, didn't want to end up on the streets, and this job paid well. I'd work there, then when I would get the chance I'd perform, earn some extra cash mostly through Beomgyu. It was fine at first, I could even manage to party and go out on the few hours of sleep I'd get, but lately..." he ended with tipping his head to the side.

"Your family doesn't help?" 

"Never have."

"So you were busy?" it still didn't make a whole lot of sense in his mind. "And tired?" Soobin was thinking about the song posted in the middle of the week, maybe there was more to this story. Soobin could only blame himself, the other boy too polite to admit that he got repulsed by the other's constant breaking. 

Yeonjun hummed in agreement, "And had a lot on my mind, I guess." The boy cleared his throat before adding, "But I want to make an effort to get to know you, Soobin. If you'd let me." He was showing off his bright smile once again, the one Soobin had learned to recognise anywhere by now.

It was his turn to fully look up, meet the eyes of the other. Was he a fool for wanting to say yes? As innocent as the proposal sounded, as flushed as it made him feel, allowing another person into his life might turn out to be the very death of Choi Soobin. The grand finale, the last test before he qualifies as unsavable, a completely lost cause, torn into bits by nothing else but his moronic actions. "You're going to learn to hate me," was his answer. It wasn't a no. 

"I can't see that ever happening," Yeonjun was smiling, pushing the last dumplings onto Soobin’s side of the plate, signaling the other to eat them, before standing up from the table. "Let's go," the older was inviting the latter to join. And Soobin did.

They walked through the busy streets till a park lit up with lanterns arose from afar. It was the same park they had met at for the first time nearly a month ago- Soobin lost in his drowsiness after another sleepless night and Yeonjun hidden in the shimmering mess on top of his head. In a way, nothing much had changed. Soobin was still sleepless and lost in his thoughts while Yeonjun's mysterious aura glimmered whether his background was unknown or out into the world.

In Soobin's eyes, the older had so much potential, he was practically dripping with it, the dark didn't overshadow his radiance.

Even if Soobin felt no love for this city, he could admire the beauty of the sight in front of him. Like a fairytale come to life, the air was bubbling with excitement, pink coloured blossoms falling over the bypassers. The cherries were in full bloom, and even in the dim light, they rivaled the rising moon with their magical glory.

They sat next to the pond, just where Soobin had found Yeonjun that day. The grass a tad bit wet, but they were both too tired, too infatuated by the charms of this evening to care. 

With a deep sigh, Yeonjun flopped down on the ground, hands crossed behind his head. "You know, I do think everything happens for the better," he spoke softly, and Soobin couldn't get used to this new side of Yeonjun. Or perhaps it was always there, and he had turned a blind eye to it. 

"Can I ask you something?" Soobin whispered, to which the other answered with a single yes. "Were you ever ashamed?"

"About what?

Soobin dared to say it, "Yourself."

Yeonjun took a moment to gather his thoughts before replying, "Yes and no. I think I was, but now when you're asking me this, I'm not ashamed of where I am, my mind is still set on my goal and I'm not giving up, but I've done some dumb shit in between all of that and I'm not proud of it. I'm not perfect, but I'm learning to own up to everything," he was watching the sky as he spoke. "One day we're going to be living our best lives, you and I, living our dreams. It just might take a while, a truly ugly while, but giving up or sulking about the past will only get us nowhere." He sounded so sure of himself.

Those were brave words that Soobin couldn't imagine ever coming out of his mouth. A privilege he did not have.

"I've saved up a bit, gonna find a new job," Yeonjun added, "I have belief in this life."

Soobin hugged his knees, pulling them closer to his chest, "I hope you succeed with that." His words were sincere, spoken from the heart. 

"Don't think you're not coming with me," Yeonjun grinned. "As I said, you and me, baby, our lives are only starting," he reached up with one hand to ruffle Soobin's hair, but the boy didn't give in.

"Don't feel sorry for me, hyung, I want none of it. It's just that the past is what makes our today, right? And if my past is filled with mistakes and essentially fucking up everything I ever could, the mirage that is a great future for me is just that- a mirage- disappearing once observed closer," Soobin was wearing a sad, worn-out smile. The night was too domestic for anything else than the familiar emptiness in his soul.

Yeonjun's voice was steady, "You're old enough to realise that it takes a whole lot of fucking up to know which is truly the right way to do things, Soobin. I'd even go as far as to say you've got the upper hand in this, it's only whether you choose to work on it or not."

Soobin knew he was practically clowning the other with his facial expressions, yet the right words didn't come out. Perhaps it wasn't Yeonjun who had become soft, but rather him. 

/you're soft at the core, and it's continuously spilling out of you/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soobins mind go 🡭 🡳 🡷 🡢 but the hurt baby is trying okay? T-T 
> 
> how did you like this chapter? :") comments and kudos always welcomed  
> follow me on twt to become friends @/yoonkiboonki


	7. make me alive again or make me learn to pretend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case there is confusion- this chapter is Soobin laying in bed and remembering these events asdfg sorry its super late and im tired

It's been scrubbing at his skin, Soobin can feel it. Going under the dust and dead cells lingering on his body, rubbing off flakes of what's old and not needed, and it burns. It leaves rashes, makes him itchy for hours, days even until new marks appear, and he forgets about the previous ones. 

Moving on is a silly thing. The word implies, firstly, motion- the act of getting your shit together and walking forward. But that's bullshit. Secondly, it suggests that what has once been done or experienced, needs to be left behind. But that's not how life works. Lastly, it foreshadows a change, but that's not where Soobin's at.

Because moving on is a battle, it's going back and forth, packing and then unpacking, leaving stuff behind but also coming back for it, clinging to it. Change? There's no change if Soobin is trying to integrate back into what hurt him in the first place. A mindset change perhaps? No, that's not a part of moving on, that's a part of healing. 

Moving on has never been healing, moving on means hurting- ripping a heart in pieces or colouring it grey, making it numb. Healing only comes when a person is settled, and Soobin was far from that, still scared to take the first steps into the unknown. 

That's what has been on his mind lately. He's not stupid, doesn't see himself as so, Soobin can tell what's happening around him, and he doesn't trust it one bit. Moving on for him equals stepping out, and stepping out equals allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and vulnerability equals pain. To hell Yeonjun's speech about the power of being soft. 

But then again, when the blue haired boy takes him by his hand, guiding Soobin into the outside world all while showing off that mischievous grin, Soobin kind of wants to forget about the pain. He doesn't, but he truly wants to. For the first time in years.

So he allows this limbo of going back and forth to happen, doesn't fully go along with it or take any steps on his own, just lets it do its thing- the crippling anxiety of being surrounded by people one day, the goddamned hope of the same people understanding and accepting Soobin for the ugly creature he knew he was the next.

At least Yeonjun understood, sometimes. 

Soobin was sitting on his windowsill, legs hanging outside, the soft breeze of the night caressing his cheeks. There had been times when he had sat there and thought about jumping down, head first in the best case scenario, yet tonight the idea didn't cross his mind. Perhaps he'd still crave for it if it came up, but it didn't. So he just sat there, overlooking the shops slowly closing one after the other.

It has been around two and a half weeks since he didn't say "no", officially letting Yeonjun enter his miserable life, the older boy staying true to his words and not disappearing for weeks anymore. He would text him, call him, ask to meet up, and Soobin would just allow him.

\-----

It was on Tuesday, a few days after Yeonjun's confession of not being fully honest with Soobin about his life, that they were sitting on top of Soobin's apartment building's roof, as he had been too tired, still battling insomnia, to move any further. They were both sipping on a bottle of beer each, the light kind that tastes more watery, not bitter, when Yeonjun revealed that this would be his last week working at the warehouse.

"You're quitting before finding a new job?" Soobin was confused, maybe even worried. 

Yeonjun just shrugged, "It's not like there are no other places, I just got to keep my eyes open. A regular cafe job works too, and we have plenty of those in Seoul. Plus, I told you already, I saved up. Should be fine." The boy seemed unbothered.

Soobin nodded his head, "Right," he didn't sound convinced. "You know, I could help you, look up some places online," he took a sip to make it seem casual, but Yeonjun was already grinning. 

He was just trying to be useful. 

"Focus on your exams, yeah? Hyung's got this. Somehow I always end up alive, no matter what," Yeonjun said with pride, and Soobin could never say the same about himself. 

They were counting cars and drunk men stumbling through the crowd until it was made into a game. Soobin was counting the times the man across the road seemingly deceived his customers, selling useless, half-broken shit for a high price, and Yeonjun was counting white pigeons. Whoever made it to ten the fastest won the race.

"When was the last time you truly felt alive?" The older boy suddenly asked, eyes on Soobin, unfaltering. 

He didn't answer for a while. There were times when he had felt alive with Ryujin, but those weren't the last ones. He just had to have more, a spoiled kid right from the start. "The first time I realised how sick and twisted I was, around two years ago," Soobin stared into his bottle, twirling it. The guilt still pained him. 

"Everyone's a little sick and twisted, Soobinie," the latter admitted. "The sooner you realise that, the better. There is no good without the bad."

"And what if there's only bad?"

"Do you think something can be purely bad?"

Yes

"Purely good?"

No

Yeonjun continued after the telling silence, "You're not a bad person as much as you see yourself as one, that's why it hurts." The older boy said with a sigh.

"Maybe suffering is my punishment. They don't punish people who haven't sinned," the words came out of his mouth as if practised beforehand.

"You're talking like everybody else is pure. News flash, they're not." Yeonjun pushed himself closer to Soobin, their shoulders now touching. "Besides, who is "they"? Pain is inevitable, sure, but suffering? That's optional. You decide how much pain affects you. If you ever decide to become a monk, then perhaps you'd learn how to switch off the pain as well, though I can't imagine your flowery satin bedsheets ass meditating on a hard concrete ground for fourteen hours a day."

He was giggling at that, the blue hair strands falling over the older's eyes as his body moved to the rhythm of his laugh.

"Hey," this was getting personal, "My bedsheets were a gift from my mother, and they're beautiful," Soobin was offended, snapping his head to look at the other boy, their noses close to touching, but that wasn't what mattered right now, while his pride and dignity were at risk. "But what if the world keeps dragging you down, with every step you take? Don't you think that's a sign that perhaps that's where you should stay?"

Yeonjun took a sip, eyes focused on a group of pigeons, searching for a white one between them. "But maybe that's a sign you should finally get up," he grinned and it came out sadder than Soobin had ever seen. "The world works in cruel ways, but it's always to push you to do more. That's the biggest cruelty of it all."

Soobin hummed, he could understand that even though he didn't want to admit it out loud. "What about you?" the boy returned the question. 

"Huh?" Yeonjun seemed to snap out of his thoughts. 

"When was the last time you felt alive?"

The older weakly pointed at a white bird with his almost empty beer bottle, letting Soobin know he found another one before answering, "Recently, a lot more often than I've ever." And there was something behind those words Soobin wanted to get at the bottom of.

"How so?"

"Beomgyu scolded me," Yeonjun replied and it sounded way less irritated than Soobin would imagine in a situation like that. He raised his eyebrow at the older. "Takes a big fucking up to understand what is right," was all he added, avoiding the latter's gaze.

That was when Soobin thought that perhaps there was a chance the older knew what he was talking about and wasn't just throwing out pretty words laced with high ideals to make it sound like life wasn't only about surviving, but also about living. Yeonjun has been alone, without the support of his family, going after his dreams in a city that eats one up, had been desperate and picked a job that didn't suit him the slightest yet stuck with it for nearly a year until it drained him out.

Still, Yeonjun was smiling, bettering himself with each day. It just made Soobin think. 

They sat on the rooftop for an hour after finishing their drinks, filling the silence with casual conversation topics- favourite colours (light blue and purple) and first school trip where they embarrassed themselves (Soobin got spit in the face by a llama and Yeonjun fell off a trampoline while trying to make a trick, landing on his face). The dusk was settling in, so they decided to part ways, as the older had a long way back home. 

Soobin had won the game that day.

\-----

It was starting to get chilly, so the younger closed shut the window before letting his body fall on top of his bed. 

There wasn't a lot he had learned about the other, but who was Soobin to blame him for keeping his secrets, when he was no better. Not that there was anything wrong with it, the mystery was compelling, to say the least, but also quite unsettling.

Were Yeonjun's hands familiar with the ugly side of life? His mind, the way he spoke seemed to hint at that, yet the boy still smiled. Soobin couldn't say his hyung gave the impression of being unbothered by his life- past and present- but he was fighting, hopeful. 

Had Soobin ever fought for his life? 

He was staring at the ceiling again, a well practised routine. Soobin extended his arm up above, catching the last hints of sunlight reflecting on his fingertips. He let out a breath, and after a while of observing his thin fingers, he let the arm fall to his side, closing his eyes.

If Yeonjun had ever willingly held his hands with the night, getting dirtied by its ugly tricks, he was the holiest beast to ever walk this earth. 

\-----

A few days after Yeonjun had officially quit his job, he had rung up the younger, asking if he wanted to go out, promising it would be worth it. Soobin had noted the bright excitement in his voice and guessed that Yeonjun had been busy getting back on the lost hours of sleep the previous days, the older sounding less tired than before. 

Yeonjun had instructed him to dress warmly, pack some snacks and wait for him at a nearby train station, which he all did. The younger wore one of his favourite black hoodies and on his way to meet the other, shuffled into a convenience store to grab some juice and gummy candy, slightly confused at the request, but not opposing it, of course. 

Once arriving at the station, it didn't take long for the blue hair to appear between the crowd, with confident steps, bouncing closer to the latter. Soobin had never noticed just how tiny Yeonjun could look. It must stand out, even more, when they walked side by side, Soobin being way too tall for his own good. 

Yeonjun looked soft at the edges, a peach coloured flush to his cheeks and eyes still puffy with sleep, even if the day was far from just starting, the sun starting to fall downwards towards the horizon. Dressed comfortably in warm grey, he resembled a ball of yarn, a small sheepling, and Soobin couldn't help but feel dumbfounded, feeling himself melt and turn to mush on the inside.

His hyung looked cute. It didn't seem like Yeonjun was aware of it though, smirking with a bright glint in his eyes, a daring look, once noticing Soobin was already waiting at the station.

They got on the first train and took the seats near the end, Soobin crossing his arms and resting his head against the window, grumpy, already tired: "Why are you refusing to tell me where we are headed to?" 

"Because I want this to be a surprise," Yeonjun replied unaffected by the tantrum the younger was throwing. "You're gonna like it, believe me, okay?" The older was going through his backpack, in a search for something while he spoke.

"You're kidnapping me," Soobin huffed, wanting to pry out more information about their journey, but Yeonjun didn't seem too interested in the conversation, keeping his lips sealed. After a while of shaking his bag, the older pulled out a pair of earbuds, frustration painting his face noticing the tangled mess. 

Soobin gazed out the window, the cold glass pleasant against his forehead. Even if he didn't know where the older was taking him, it didn't matter much to him, teasing the other newfound pleasure in its own way. He could feel his eyes become heavy, and Soobin let them fall shut, gathering strength for the evening ahead. 

When he opened his eyes, after a loud passenger had woken him by shouting nonsense- something about true love,- while getting out of the train, Soobin pulled out his phone and looked at the time. Their journey spent on the train was coming close to an hour, and after looking out, the younger could tell that they had driven out of the city centre and were going across a bridge. Soobin could finally guess where they were headed to. 

"You're taking me to Yeongjongdo island?" He looked at the other puzzled.

Yeonjun took out one of the earbuds he apparently had on for the whole ride and pretended to contemplate his answer, resting his pointer finger on his chin, "Yes and no," was his answer, still not giving away any details. Soobin rolled his eyes, turning back to look at the view outside. 

In the afternoon sun, the water beneath them whispered with inviting depth, dark blue overlaid by the burnt orange reflection of the sky. The train was almost empty now- the only passengers left with large suitcases by their sides and the two boys.

Soobin hadn't been to Yeongjongdo island in years, and the memories he held of the place weren't that many or on the positive side. As far as he knew, the island consisted of farms, a few tourist attractions, a beach, some villages and an airport. 

The same airport he used with his parents whenever they travelled outside of the country, the same airport which stood as a memory of the last time he saw them in real life, waving goodbye with a deep throb in his chest. Soobin wondered if there was even a single place that reminded him of a joyful past, all the happy memories now painful. A longing to return to the past; a desperate wish to run back and never come back. 

Soobin was reluctant to smile and feel excited when Yeonjun announced that the next station was where they had to get off.

"We need to walk around to pass some time, I kind of forgot that the sun sets much later now," Yeonjun said once they were out of the train, making their way to stand in front of a colourful map plastered across one of the station's walls. "You wanna go to the beach?" He asked. 

Soobin shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the intruding thoughts, "Ah, - yeah, sure," he mumbled, Yeonjun eying him with suspicion.

The walk wasn't as long as Soobin had first imagined, not that he would mind if it was, anyway, although he could already feel his muscles begging for a break here and there, not used to walking for a long time. He had never been the sporty type, but after spending close to two years in his room staring at a computer screen, it didn't come as a surprise that his legs had weakened. Soobin sighed.

"You seem upset," the older finally dared, to which Soobin shrugged his shoulders in a joking matter. An unspoken "when am I not?" and they both smirked to themselves, only for the irony of the smile to turn itself into a frown. 

Soobin glanced at his shoes, kicking a pebble as they walked. "I'm sorry if I'm ruining this," the younger scratched at his upper arm, suddenly feeling out of place. 

They could already see the beach in the distance, a family of four running in circles, playing ball with their flawlessly groomed dog in a yellow vest- a poodle. The kids' screams of joy and laugher erratic.

Yeonjun rested his palm on top of Soobin's shoulder, an attempt at comforting the other. "You're not ruining anything, Soobin," he squeezed a little. "But if you wanna talk about it, I'm all ears," he reassured, but Soobin didn't reply. 

Perhaps he wanted to, wanted to tell the other way too many of his secrets, but was too scared of letting himself flood over, drown the older with all the awful things he'd ever done, scare him away. He knew some confessions were better left hidden away. Was that unfair? A person had to heal themselves so they wouldn't bleed over the ones who didn't hurt them. Soobin just chose to keep his mouth shut.

At the beach, they sat on a wooden bench facing the tides flushing over the shore, the weather was getting windier each passing minute, but the boys made sure to sit side by side, shielding each other from the cold. The view was stunning, and Soobin felt himself relax a tad bit. Maybe he could get over these thoughts, paint over a new impression because, in a way, he felt silly for sulking over such a minor detail. A slave to his emotions. Soobin brushed a palm through his hair.

It was peaceful apart from the family to their left, the kids now playing catch while their parents filmed, smiling, cheering. Soobin only realised he was staring at them, when Yeonjun shifted to place his feet on the bench, curling into a ball next to the younger. 

"Have never understood families like that," the blue haired boy started, pulling a hoodie over his head.

Soobin shifted his gaze to the sand beneath them, nervous, "Why?"

"My time to be sombre?" Yeonjun looked up at him, nose scrunched.

Even if that was meant as a joke, Soobin shrugged, facial expression unchanging. "You don't have to if you don't want to," there it was, that god damned guilt again.

Yeonjun nodded, "Just never had it like that. This closeness, textbook type family. Wanted to run away from home as long as I remember living there, but when I finally did it, I felt like a zoo animal escaping in the wilderness- lost, desperate. Too tamed for life." The boy stretched his neck, resting his nape against the headrest of the bench, looking up at the clouds.

"You've ever felt like a zoo animal, Soobinie?" The words came out with a tinge of self-deprecation. Soobin wondered if Yeonjun was happy with who he was, who he had been in the past.

"To be a zoo animal means to be seen by others," voice barely audible, "I don't think I was ever that. Maybe it's better that way." Soobin could remember all the times he wished to be seen, noticed as someone of value, but it always ended with him getting locked away, buried underground, forgotten. He learned that there was nothing to be seen, acknowledged in the first place.

Yeonjun hummed. "I guess I'm still learning how not to be one. This freedom I craved, I tried pursuing choked me up. Turns out freedom's not doing whatever you want or can get your hands on, but being in peace," the boy placed his hand on Soobin's thigh, making the other boy stop his breathing. "I feel at peace right now."

Swallowing hard, Soobin nearly coughed his words out, "Were they strict?"

"Who?"

"Your parents."

Yeonjun grinned, "Insanely. A surgeon and a lawyer with a child who's practically a living time bomb, in their eyes wanting to disrupt their hard-earned legacy. Disowned me the moment I left."

"Do you still love them even after all that?"

Yeonjun turned his head, looking at the other with disbelief, "God, how much I hate them," he gritted his teeth, "But I love them even more, with my whole fucking heart, and it rips me apart."

They stayed silent for a while after that, the family leaving the beach once the sun started to sink in the water, the kids sleepy and worn out. Even if he tried, Soobin couldn't quite pinpoint what he was feeling. Perhaps consolation? Hearing someone admit to such heavy emotions struck him in the most sensitive places, yet it didn't sting. It was refreshing.

 _/I feel at peace right now./_ Even if it's for a minute or two. 

"Did you rest well?" Soobin asked, realising they hadn't caught up, both of them had been silent for most of the time today.

"Mhmm," Yeonjun hummed, "Don't remember the last time my mind's been this clear, slept for twelve hours straight, ate a pack of pudding and then slept some more. I'm ready to conquer the world," the boy's words came out warm, relaxed. "And you? No more scary nightmares?" 

"Yeah," Soobin lied, nodding his head.

Once it was evident that the night was about to fall upon them, Yeonjun got up, pulling Soobin along with him. A soft-spoken, "Follow me."

If there had been moments where Soobin had thought the latter was out of his mind, gone mad, this was definitely by far the most distinct one. Was it the polluted city air or the changing of seasons that had messed with his head? Long hours of labour he did not enjoy? Soobin wasn't sure. All he knew was that he was not doing whatever the fuck this was supposed to be. 

"You're out of your fucking mind," he was standing still, not moving an inch further after the understanding of what the older had in mind hit him. 

"Come on, quick, Soobinie, it will be fun," Yeonjun laughed, throwing glances side to side. "We need to do this while no one is around," he extended his arm, asking Soobin to take his hand.

"We could get in so much trouble, hyung!"

"There are no cameras here and it's dark, no one will see us," Yeonjun said way too calmly in Soobin's humble opinion. "Plus, this fence just marks the territory, the actual building and workers are a good kilometre away, this place is huge!"

Soobin was not convinced, palms in tight fists, "Isn't this dangerous?" The visions of them locked up in the back of a police car already flashing by his eyes.

"I'll make sure it's not, come on, I've done this before," the older said after finally managing to make Soobin move forward. 

He didn't know if it was the adrenaline that kicked in or was it the fear of disappointing the older, "You've got to be kidding me," the boy groaned but complied, nervously biting his lip.

The scene was quite simple- they were standing behind a wired fence, Yeonjun pushing the younger up by his hips, helping him to climb over it, trying to get both of them inside the airport territory. Nothing more than two overgrown teenagers allowing the rebellious phase to resurface.

Yeonjun was right, the airport with its staff was quite a bit further, the scene in front of them just a field of nicely cut grass and some scattered bushes here and there. Even the lights didn't reach them that far, the world around them covered in darkness.

Soobin held his breath while making the final jump, landing on the other side, wary eyes searching for any guards or cameras Yeonjun had not seen. "Why couldn't we just stay on the other side?" He whined, watching Yeonjun swiftly jump over the fence like he's done it a million times before.

"And where's the fun in that?" Yeonjun patted the younger's back and walked further into the territory, careful to stay in the shadows. 

Soobin followed, whispering, "How many times have you done this before?"

"Only one," the other replied.

Soobin felt a strong want to smack himself in the face, "I hate this." So what if he was afraid? What they were doing was illegal, dangerous and they could get taken by the police. It was reasonable for his hands to tremble, and it was reasonable for him to thread his fingers at the back of the older's hoodie, hoping it would calm his nerves. 

After some tumbling in the dark, Yeonjun guided him behind a larger bush. There the older opened his backpack and pulled out a blanket, spreading it out on the grass and laying on top of it, face turned upwards, grinning at Soobin's confused expression. "Get down here, you silly," he shifted a bit, freeing up more space for the other.

"What are we doing?" Soobin whispered after filling the space on the blanket next to the other, hoping his trembling hands didn't get noticed by the older. The blanket was quite soft to the touch, a fleece material, making the experience of lying on grass seemingly more pleasant. 

"Just watch," Yeonjun whispered back, not looking away from the black sky, decorated with a few grey clouds, above them.

It took around ten minutes of silence before a frightening sound of engines washed over them, making Soobin widen his eyes in surprise. It was coming from far away but the sound was so loud and turbulent it even made the earth shake. Soobin hid his palms under the long sleeves of the hoodie, bracing himself.

It was only then he acknowledged what it truly was they were doing. Stargazing, or rather plane gazing, if he had to give a name to it. In a few minutes, the ground stopped shaking and the noise rose above them, making Soobin gasp.

Closer than ever yet so far away, a plane set off and after a moment disappeared into the clouds, bright lights beaming underneath it- red, blue, white- twinkling like synthetic stars. He had never experienced anything similar to this. Of course, he'd seen planes take off and land, and had been the one sitting inside of them multiple times, but there was something different, something that made him flood him with obscure feelings, making the boy lift up his body on his elbows, gasping in wonder. 

In the flash of lights, he felt smaller than ever, taken aback by the sight and the threatening noises, but now he could feel his skin crawl with anticipation for more. 

"Hyung," he turned his head to look down at Yeonjun, the awe in his voice still evident, "that was amazing," he breathed.

"You see, I knew you'd like it," Yeonjun whispered back, clearly amused by the younger's expression. "Makes you feel like there is no going back, doesn't it? Brings you back to life, makes you remember all the things you've got to protect, that you don't want to lose," the words echoed in Soobins adrenaline-filled head.

Soobin lied back down, head ungracefully bumping at the ground, trying to find the right words to express the shaking of molecules he was feeling inside of him. But it was useless, and the boy gave up after remembering there was more to come. And so they both lied next to each other in silence until another plane spread its metallic wings over their heads, leaving white smoke trails in the sky, leaving Soobin breathless.

The stillness between them and the world, while they waited for another plane, was welcoming, relaxing even. Soobin got out the snacks he'd brought and they shared the gummy candy both sour and sweet while the night progressed. 

"I wonder what life would be right now if everything was a little different." Soobin started quietly, the past events making him brave, opening a door to unexplored possibilities in his mind. Maybe it was okay to ponder about such topics in the safe space of the dark blue and black surrounding them.

Yeonjun hummed, "I'd say the same. There's always an upside and there's always a downside to everything," the boy's voice glided across his tongue slowly and silky. "I don't think I'd ever want to change a thing, though."

"Some regrets cut too deep," Soobin frowned, and Yeonjun shifted to lay on his side, facing the other, head resting on his folded arm.

If Soobin would be given the chance to go back in time, he'd change the most of his past, he knew that whatever awaited him afterwards, as the result of this purging, would be better than this, he'd be much more grateful.

"Don't you think the meaning of tomorrow is to allow the possibility that shit gets better?" he whispered, and Soobin felt his perfume, the same that had lingered on his bedsheets the day after the older had spent the night. The memories of it made Soobin's cheeks flush, and he thanked the shadows for holding another secret of his hidden from the other.

"How do you see people?" The younger boy didn't mirror the other, staying put on his back, facing the clouds.

"Broken," he admitted. "Flawed, hurt."

Soobin could agree with that, but he had to admit, it came as a surprise hearing it from the other. He held his breath while this time a plane made its landing over them both, over their feather-like existences, swaying from side to side, getting carried away, handled by unseen forces.

"How do you see life, Soobin?"

The younger boy frowned once more, "As pain," he said and after catching his own voice linger in the air, laughed. How childish.

"Do you think life is fair to everyone?" Yeonjun continued.

"No," it was a simple answer. An obvious answer.

"Do you think people are fair?"

"No."

Yeonjun pulled himself up, resting on one of his elbows, slightly hovering over Soobins body. 

"Life is fair, you'll always get what you deserve," Soobin flinched hearing the words, gaze shifting to look the other in the eyes. "Even if it's pain, even if it's luck, a thread of happy serendipities, you're the one who'd earned it, so if you don't act for a better tomorrow, you might never get it." The agonizing truth left Soobin pressing his lips in a thin life. "But people, they're the ones who will never be fair, rarely learn from their mistakes." Yeonjun grinned, "Don't you want to be different from them? Don't you see that their mistakes aren't yours?"

The last sentence half hushed. Yeonjun gulped, for a second looking away.

"How do you see yourself?" he dared, suddenly the tension between them shifted to something else, the closeness now making the air thick, and Yeonjun was evidently taken aback by the younger's bravery.

"Currently? I already told you, I see myself being more peaceful, with a clearer mind." Yeonjun's gaze was circling through Soobin's features.

Soobin played with the answer in his mind, yet it didn't give him the satisfaction he was looking for. "On a larger scale."

"As Choi Yeonjun."

Soobin lifted his eyebrow, making the other notice the displease layered over his face. Yeonjun showed a faint smile and with his free hand started nibbling on Soobin's sleeves, right where his fingers were tightly curled underneath, in a way asking for permission.

"Not everything feels or looks like something else," was what he added, and it made more sense than the older would ever say out loud, Soobin had already noted that about him.

Perhaps Yeonjun was in the healing part of life, moved on from whoever and whatever brought him pain, yet there he was once again, shifting gazes, not wanting to fully say it out loud- I am hurt, I am flawed like everyone else, I am haunted by everything that has ever happened to me.

It made Soobin's heart sink, he knew how that felt. Being left, struggling to make sense of life when the ideas you had turned to ash, slipping through fingers and disappearing. 

He gulped, "You know, I think Choi Yeonjun is more than enough." And it was barely a whisper, like a prayer he hoped would reach the other, so quiet even the night couldn't catch his words. It stayed between them, no one else.

In a heartbeat, Soobin felt the older grip his hand, and he lost his breath in surprise. The touch didn't reach his skin, the fabric shielding them from the unspoken, yet the heaviness of the gesture made them both look away, made their blood flow faster, hearts sink into a hot softness. 

"Mine weren't strict," Soobin started, still refusing to look at the other, but he felt the older shift once more, gaze put back on him. "We had a good relationship, in fact, it's quite funny actually," the younger couldn't help but let out a pained laugh. "They cared about me, or so I thought, until one day when it all turned to shit, or maybe one day when all the shit I'd done came crashing down, or-or rather I let it crash on me, they just,-" Soobin couldn't believe he was saying this out loud, the years of hurt he'd held inside now free, "left. They just left." 

He was biting the insides of his cheeks, and Yeonjun stayed silent. Soobin continued after a while. "During the first year, nothing between us changed, they were around and I,-"

"Were you hurting?" The older one interrupted.

Soobin choked, "Y-yes. But they were there. Didn't do much, but they were there. I think maybe I just didn't show it, It was probably my fault, b-but when I couldn't a-anymore, you know- everything,- when I had to leave, they-," Soobin looked at the other, now pure anger in his eyes, "they bought me an apartment and left me to rot." 

There were Gods for many things humans could not control- love, war, fertility,- yet laying there under the grey clouds and the noises of aeroplane engines, counting seconds to manage his breathing, Soobin knew his God was despair. 

He felt Yeonjun's hand drop to his forearm, a light touch, a sign of comfort to pull him out of the muddy reality his mind had drifted in. "Did you ever tell them all of this?" He asked, delicate. 

"I'm scared that if I do, they won't hear me."

Yeonjun hummed, this thumb caressing the other. "You shouldn't be scared of that, Soobinnie. I'm sorry to say this, but,- to me, it sounds like they never heard you from the start."

And Soobin just stared, expressionless, cause all the misery he felt was displayed in front of him, on Yeonjun's face. For what he couldn't feel, the older felt, for what he couldn't say, the older spoke with confidence, and it struck him with the strength of a hundred winters. Watching him felt cold, freezing, it felt- 

A drop

Two drops

Five

Ten

It was now raining, pouring, both of them looking at each other in shock, quickly getting to their feet, Yeonjun hastily stuffed the blanket back into his bag, Soobin picked up the packets of gummy candy and did the same.

"You didn't check the weather report?" Soobin coughed, bewildered. 

Yeonjun suddenly halted, pulled out his phone, taking a glance at it while the rain was washing them over. "Just did. Says it'll rain," he deadpanned.

The younger whined, "Hyung!"

Swiftly Yeonjun grabbed the latter's hand and started pulling the younger, bringing them both through the rain, through the bushes closer to the fence. "Here's another fact," he exclaimed as he helped Soobin climb over it, not caring if they'll get caught, "The last train leaves in ten minutes."

And suddenly they were running through the rain, the water drops shading their clothes darker, heavier, and Soobin was speechless, stunned by what this night had been so far, hurried half-jumps making the puddles beneath him splash.

He let his arms flop in the air, let his hair soak with water and he was... he was laughing, he was laughing, once again holding Yeonjun's hand, he was laughing while his hair stuck to his face, blurring the view, out of breath and gasping for air. And so was Yeonjun, shouting encouragement in between breaths. And, God, it felt serene- the way the older would periodically throw his head back, a smile stretching from one ear to the other, clear wonder in his eyes, looking back at the latter. 

The darkness was silent, the streets were empty, a lonesome plane making its way through the sky, and they were alive. Oh my God, they were alive. Soobin couldn't care any less if he'd lose his voice the next day, trip and bruise, break his teeth on the wet pavement, running through the puddles, he would embrace it all, he wanted it all. 

He could feel the others hand slowly slipping through his fingers, the rain wanting to separate the two, so he tightened them, gripping harder only to feel Yeonjun return the motion, and for a moment it all stopped in his mind- the running, the laughing, the rain, the worrying, the pain, the - the... emptiness.

It stopped, just like that, in one single gesture.

And Soobin was left feeling a wave of deep dark red blooming inside of his chest, filling the once hollow space. He felt like throwing up pedals, screaming even louder now, crying desperately to be held like this a bit longer- as if someone was scared to lose him. Suddenly wishing they'd miss the train, miss the whole life waiting for them back at home, if that was the cost he'd have to pay, he wouldn't give it a second thought. 

"You can do it," Yeonjun spared a glance backwards once again, cheering the other on, as they were running closer to the station, the same time the train was arriving, the bright lights giving it away.

With a few swift jumps and loud exhales, they both fell inside the train, last-minute before the automatic doors closed behind them. Yeonjun was clutching at his knees, bent down, trying to catch his breath and Soobin was staring wide-eyed, panting alongside with him, not fully believing the events of tonight. Yeonjun straightened his back, griping into Soobins forearm once the train gained speed, making them lose their balance, and Soobin could cross his heart and swear there was something different in the eyes looking up at him with a tinge of first-time wonder.

Once again, they took the seats at the back of the train, and on their way back home, Soobin fell asleep and woke up around six times, nodding his head and then startling himself awake.

\-----

Soobin got up and closed his laptop shut, moving across the room to reach his desk and back. He has been sleeping a bit better lately, yet, more often than not, the homework he was assigned to do lost over his clouded mind. He huffed, defeated. 

The boy hugged one of the pillows stuffed at the corner of the bed and turned to lay on his side. For the first time in his life, he felt truly lost. Lost in a way that indicated that where he was now, wasn't the place he should be, wasn't the place he wanted to be in. Yet he didn't know how to get out, and was scared of the consequences that followed after being foolish and wishing for a better future.

Soobin smiled to himself. He couldn't believe this stupid bed with its stupid moonlight always shining on him was now a holder of something sweet in his memory. How stupid. 

\-----

"You're absolutely soaked, hyung," Soobin let out a concerned sigh, looking the older up and down. 

They had just arrived back at the heart of Seoul, and Soobin felt bad. His home was only fifteen minutes away while Yeonjun lived hell knows where. 

He shifted from one foot to another for a while before adding, "You know you can stay at my place if you want to, yeah?"

Yeonjun scratched at the back of his head, mulling over the offer, "If that's not a bother to you, I'd like that," he nodded to himself.

It was at around midnight when they arrived at Soobin's apartment, Yeonjun already familiar with its space, making his way straight to Soobin's bedroom, asking if he could borrow some clothes. 

The air between them was made out of velvet, both of the boys tired from the running, the laughing, the living, the coming undone. It felt easy then, smooth movements from fatigued limbs. 

Soobin got them both dry clothes, handing Yeonjun a white t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, blushing at the idea of the other having to sleep without anything underneath them, their own clothes soaked to the last thread. He flashed an awkward smile and headed to the bathroom, saving himself from more embarrassment. 

Soobin was tired, sure, he might even say he was drained of his last bit of strength, the shallow sleep in the train a pure indicator of that, yet he was afraid he'd keep the other up all night, rustling, making frustrated noises or staring at his phone, not being able to fall asleep.

Soobin knew how this was about to go down- even though the exhaustion lingered in every bit of his being, he knew the moment his head hit the pillows, he'd lay awake in agony.

Only while changing, he finally came to the understanding that this will be the very first time the both of them share a bed while being sober. Soobin closed his eyes, placing his hands together by his lips almost in a praying motion. 

"Choi Soobin, once again you've brought this onto yourself," he whispered to himself annoyed, ending it with a deep sigh, and exiting the bathroom. 

If he thought it would be awkward, it was, for sure a hundred per cent, more than that. Soobin hung his wet clothes over a chair, hoping they'd dry just a tiny bit, and, before turning off the lights, switched on a random playlist from his computer. No bedtime stories for tonight. Yeonjun had already taken his - his - side of the bed, hidden halfway under the covers, scrolling through his phone, damp hair brushed back. 

The younger tried not to stare, the velvet turning into something else now, something that let Soobin sink three worlds below the one he was supposed to be conscious of. Swallowing his mind, soul, body, as if he cared, he was never fully there in the first place anyway.

All he could hope for was that when the moment came for him to hit the bottom of wherever this sight was pulling him towards, he'd fall on top of a pit of fluffy feathers not broken glass. 

He bit his lip and crawled next to the latter, keeping a safe distance, turning to sleep away from the boy. "Goodnight," he muttered.

"Goodnight, Soobin," the other replied, placing his phone down and making himself more comfortable. 

Was it around an hour, two later? The younger was changing his sleeping position for the millionth time, blinking eyes that didn't want to stay shut. It wasn't only the insomnia, it was also Yeonjun's almost violent presence right beside him. His soft exhales, small whimpers, periodic twitching of fingers holding into the blanket. Soobin felt like a creep.

He shifted to lie on his back, throwing a hand over his face to try to hide from the embarrassment. It was like all the cells in his body were hyper-focused on the other, yet, oh, the irony, in his suffering Soobin didn't notice Yeonjun being woken up by his rustling. 

"This is the third time you've woken me up," Yeonjun spoke in a low, rough voice, startling the other, "Can't sleep?" He was looking at him with lidded eyes.

Soobin let his arm fall onto the pillow, not ready to face the other. "Mhm," he hummed. 

"Bad dreams?" Yeonjun spoke with a pout.

"No, just..." he sighed, "can't sleep."

Yeonjun poked his head out of the covers a tiny bit more. "What usually helps you fall asleep?" he asked.

Soobin looked at the other, the older's messy blue hair fanned out around his head, eyes continuously falling shut and eagerly being reopened.

When Soobin was a child, he had read tales about white baby mice bringing sleeping dust to children, sprinkling it around their beds to ensure a good night's rest. Soobin smiled- Yeonjun reminded him of those mice. A small button nose, cheeks puffy and pink pushed up by the pillow. The blue hair resembling the tiny hats the cute animals wore in the illustrated books. 

"Wish I could tell you," Soobin whispered, and it came out more heartbroken than he intended. 

He was about to apologise to the older, tell him to not worry about it, when Yeonjun pushed himself halfway up and into Soobins arms, lying by his side, head resting on Soobin's shoulder, one leg lightly intertwined with the younger's. Then, Yeonjun raised one of his palms and softly started brushing it against Soobin's cheek, petting him.

"It's okay, Soobinie," he whispered before cuddling more into Soobin's neck, falling back asleep then and there, leaving Soobin in pure panic- mute, breathless,

not being able to fall asleep until the sun rose, taking the boy down by force. What a creep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this chapter! sorry for the late update, my own insomnia is back at it again. We are hmmm halfway or maybe more than that into the story! (if anyone recognises the references made in this chapter ur a champ but also oof)
> 
> leave some feedback? :) any guesses what soobs past looks like?  
> kudos always welcomed  
> become my friend on twt @/yoonkiboonki


	8. the rainflower weeps for love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm here early this time :^) And I'm bringing Taegyu :^)

"What is your biggest dream, hyung?" Beomgyu remembers Taehyun had asked once on an early summer morning, when the fog was above their height, hugging them from all sides.

"I want to be a musician, want to inspire people," a simple reply. He didn't need to think much.

Taehyun nodded his head, the answer wasn't anything new or surprising. Beomgyu was even confused as to why the other had asked such a thing, but he was only a child back then, nine or ten years old. Maybe he had simply forgotten. 

They were walking through wet grass sprinkled with drops of the heavens- holding hands, trying to find their way back home. Taehyun's grandmother had a farm on the south side of the country, and both of them loved taking advantage of that, much to the old ladie’s pleasure. They had gone out to watch the sunrise that day, sneaked out of the house right before the first beams of light hit the earth. 

"Then I want to make music too," the small boy smiled, looking up at him, doe eyes filled with hidden miracles.

Beomgyu laughed, "Why so?" 

Taehyun had never spoken up about his dreams before, maybe the boy didn't have any back then, mind searching for a future that fits. But it never truly does, does it? There's always a part that pulls too tightly or hangs too loosely. It's silly to deform and mould yourself to fit another's example, yet that's what we're all expected to do, maybe get it tailored a few years later. 

Beomgyu didn't want to be his best friend's faulty mould. Didn't want the other to think his choices were the right ones, his steps the confident ones, his thoughts the unchanging ones. Cause it was, once again, truly never like that. There were times when even Beomgyu didn't recognise his passions, staring at his guitar expressionless, misplaced. 

A child's mind was easily influenced. The older didn't want to be a part of that.

Taehyun just shrugged, as if this was something obvious, "To be closer to you."

And it has always been like that between them. Beomgyu the overthinker, the nervous type, too scared to bruise the smaller, too afraid to bend him to his own liking. Horrified of selfishness to the point of oblivion. 

Righteousness was one of the chief attributes of God, and Beomgyu had a long time coming before he understood that "God" meant something untouchable. 

Taehyun never had a loud or bright presence, he was grounded and stable, sure of himself in his quiet ways. The more he grew, the more Beomgyu let himself see the hold on life (and him) the latter had. 

Taehyun was his tree of life, supporting his being, connecting his soul to existence. Supplying air for his lungs even before he learned that there was more to it- what it truly meant.

\-----

A week and a half has passed, and it's been weird, but Beomgyu doesn't want to regret his decision. He fully knew the risks, knew that this could have ended with broken sobs behind closed doors and a lot of melancholic sounding music with edgy, emotional titles uploaded on his page. Yet some situations needed to be sorted out, and this had been one of them.

But it has been weird, and he didn't know what to do- suspended in his movements.

Beomgyu expected three possible scenarios. One, the best-case scenario where Taehyun hears the song, understands its meaning, runs to Beomgyu to confess that he feels the same way, they share their undying love for each other, and it's all sunshine and rainbows from thereon. They get to hold hands, cuddle, perhaps move in together when Taehyun turns nineteen, get married and all the other stuff that makes Beomgyu's cheeks rosy and eyes sparkle when he thinks about it.

The second, well..., of course, the worst-case scenario, where Taehyun hears the song, understands its meaning, runs to Beomgyu to state that this confession made him uncomfortable, that he has never felt that way towards the latter and never will. They share their last goodbyes, and Beomgyu cries for days until it doesn't hurt anymore. He spends an unhealthy amount of money on retail therapy, releases a new ep all about heartbreak and lets Yeonjun speak as much bullshit as the boy is capable of to get him out of his misery. And then he hopefully moves on. 

The third option he had contemplated was the chance of Taehyun wanting to remain friends after hearing the song- either accepting Beomgyu's feelings as a fact, not being repelled by them enough to walk away, or, perhaps, opening up to the possibility of falling in love with the older in the future. An unstable seesaw type of situation, going back and forth, testing the waters, but Beomgyu was quite ready for whatever the other wanted or thought was the best. That's how much he cared for his friend.

But this.. he didn't expect this. 

Beomgyu could only blame himself. Maybe he miscalculated, maybe the message wasn't clear enough, maybe he should have sung the song, not Yeonjun (even though his voice was a bit too low for it and wouldn't have fit as good, plus, this was still kind of his job, and his listeners deserved the best quality). But maybe he should have done more and confessed face to face, but that idea made his hands tremble and voice stutter, and Beomgyu didn't want to sound unsure when talking about the only topic he knew by heart.

Taehyun didn't end up running away, he didn't break off their friendship once the song was released, but he also hasn't made a single effort to soothe Beomgyu's worries, hasn't said he felt the same way or at least understood and was willing to learn to live with the situation. In fact, for the last week and a half, Taehyun has done nothing.

On the first day after the upload, Beomgyu didn't get the chance to meet the other, but on Saturday, which was, by tradition, their hang out day, Taehyun showed up at his door as per usual.

Beomgyu was awaiting anything- anger, confusion, happiness- yet what he got, when he opened the door, was a "Hey, I brought us coffee". Beomgyu was confused while Taehyun smiled at the other as if the world wasn't caving beneath his feet. 

"Have you decided which song you want to work on today?" The boy stepped inside, and Beomgyu was considering stepping outside- preferably through the window. What was Taehyun doing? 

He cleared his throat, "Yeah, I want to re-record the guitar riffs and your vocals, the ones you hum in the background," he said absentmindedly. 

"Cool," the other just handed him his coffee and went straight to his bedroom, expecting Beomgyu to follow. It was their routine, and Beomgyu felt as if he was falling through time. What was he supposed to do? 

But the morning went on and mercilessly bled into the day regardless of the timeframe Beomgyu was living in. They had done everything much quicker than intended, possibly cause the older wasn't adding much to the conversations they were 'allegedly' having- he didn't know. He wasn't there. Or was he? 

Maybe it was Taehyun who was living elsewhere. The boy nonchalant the whole recording session, uninvolved in the warfare going on in Beomgyu's head- apparently between him and himself.

"Do you think I should upload it now?" Beomgyu turned in his four-wheel computer chair, once he finished the rendering, facing the boy sitting on his bed. 

Taehyun tilted his shoulders, then let them fall back down, "I guess?" He replied, climbing out of the bed and coming closer to where he could see the screen. "What are you gonna use as the cover? I think something red would fit nice. The melody, the vocals- they seem velvety, kind of intimate." 

He was right, red was a great choice. The song they had just recorded was one for sale, a piece another artist could buy to use under his own lyrics. Beomgyu's faint but deep guitar strings enchanted with Taehyun's aa'ing. It sounded similar to a church choir, imitating the seriousness, mystery of it all, but less Jesus-has-just-been-born and more modern- shoegaze, lo-fi. Red seemed good.

Now with Taehyun's warm body closely behind him, Beomgyu searched through the files saved on his computer, seeking for a cover that would fit. He had a bunch of pictures taken with an old film camera, most of them from their concerts or others' concerts that they'd gone to. Some of the photos were of the two of them hanging out, some were of Beomgyu's family, some were of Yeonjun doing questionable stuff- that nowadays was categorized under family too.

They both giggled once noticing a picture of the older, eyes blown wide staring right into the camera, pointing at an A4 sized low-quality DIY sign stating tonight's performance, the boy's name at the very last line. It was his first real concert. Yeonjun had cried that day from excitement. He had also made out with some guy close to twice his age for good measure. Classic Choi Yeonjun.

"What about that folder?" Taehyun asked, without a care in the world sticking his finger out to the screen, leaving a tiny fingerprint mark.

"Oh", Beomgyu moved the plastic mouse to click on the icon, "It's just a-", an awkward pause. 

A dreadful pause. 

The folder contained many other, smaller folders, the ones with captions like "The Finished Work. REALLY pt 4" and "THIS IS THE LAST LAST ONE", and also a folder with two boys as its cover, an old photo, shoe tying in process. Their photo. Right beneath Tahyuns fingerprint. Caption: confession(for Taehyun). 

Beomgyu felt his heart drop in the pit of his stomach, heavy. He took a breath, then another, then realised he forgot to finish his sentence and was about to fix that, until the latter interrupted his trail of thought, pressing a key that took them a step backwards, out of the file. 

Beomgyu knew he had seen it too, there was no chance he hadn't noticed it, and it made Beomgyu drop his gaze and hands down into his lap, face muscles going slack. Was Taehyun ignoring his feelings? 

Oh, that was worse than heartbreak. His feelings didn't shatter, it was like they weren't allowed to exist in the first place. Emotions of no value, actions of no value, years- years of no value. Beomgyu wanted to cry.

"What do you think about this one?" Taehyun broke the silence, voice solid with no traces of what had just happened. He had opened a picture of a sunset, red and yellow swallowed by the dark blue beneath. 

Beomgyu forced a smile on his face, "Yeah, sure, seems... accurate."

That's how a full week of true spiralling began.

\-----

"How is it being jobless?" Beomgyu asked. 

Yeonjun tapped his right pointer finger against the controller in his hands and took a while too long looking at the ceiling, pondering before coming up with an answer. 

"Freeing but makes you paranoid, so it varies," was what his long-awaited report consisted of. 

The younger boy was biting his cheek. Anything Yeonjun did made him nervous these days- with good reasoning.

They were sitting in Beomgyu's living room, the apartment just to the two of them while his brother was still at university. They had decided to skip music today, none of them feeling inspired. 

Yeonjun was sitting on the caramel coloured carpet right in front of the tv screen, flipping through games, groaning each time Beomgyu disagreed on playing a racing game- the younger knew he had no chance winning against Yeonjun in those. Fair game or no game.

"Might get us a stage in two weeks," Beomgyu remembered, waiting for the excitement to fill up Yeonjun's face. And it did. 

That sentence never failed to brighten up the latter even on the gloomiest of days, when Beomgyu swore he could notice the lines of ageing on the older's forehead from all the tension he'd been keeping inside. It was quite a scary look if you'd ask him.

Yeonjun, bringing his palms up, pressed gently against his temples, massaging them. Eyes closed for a second before re-opening them again, "Have I told you I love you?" He lets out a long breath, relieved. "We haven't had a chance to perform for what, a month now? I could kiss you right now," the older boy beamed in blue and silver fluorescence, but it could just be the hair that has started to fade out.

"I'd rather if you not," Beomgyu flashed a lopsided smile, and now Yeonjun was eying him with worry, not sure what to make of the expression the other had given him.

"You know, I think this calls for a little change," says the older, and Beomgyu lets out a "huh" asking for an explanation. "Let's dye your hair- mine too. What do you say?" 

Dye his hair? Beomgyu has had his blonde for a while now, maybe that wasn't too bad of an idea. It always helps to shift his mind somewhere else too. He close to whispered an okay, and Yeonjun grimaced again. 

"It didn't go well, didn't it?" 

"What didn't go well?" Beomgyu knew but didn't feel ready to talk about it, didn't know what to say.

"You've been so quiet, I haven't heard you say a word about Taehyun when he's always been your favourite topic." 

Beomgyu didn't know where to look now- the floor, the wall to his left, anything but Yeonjun's eyes. "I'm not sure, hyung," he half-whispered, "He's pretending my feelings don't exist, I'm slowly starting to think maybe it was all a fever dream or something, that those feelings were imagined." 

At that Yeonjun made his way closer to the latter, hands taking hold of the boy's knees, "You didn't say anything?"

"I didn't know what to say, I- I feel awful, I feel invisible to him." Beomgyu finally let himself meet the other's eyes, and even though he's known the older through chaos and destruction, the boy's features held such softness that could welcome anyone in like home. "The topic hasn't come up much between us, but when it does... it's like all evidence disappears."

"Just talk to him, corner him if you need to. If I know anything about the two of you it's that you're each others' closest person. He wouldn't be hurting you like this without a good explanation, you know it's true." 

Yeonjun was right, he knew this as well. But the stress, the shock, the fear, the hope, the boiling in his stomach for the past Beomgyu-couldn't-even-remember-how-many years of his life, it made him freeze up.

"Alright," he nodded his head. "I'll talk to him. For real." 

Yeonjun squeezed his knees before shifting back to his place on the carpet, taking the controller back into his hands. 

Beomgyu wondered, "How is Soobinie hyung? All I hear from you is that you're spending time with him but that's it."

"You know I don't answer for other people, right? 

Beomgyu exhaled, shaking his head, "You're... a mess. Still not letting yourself feel? It's about time you realise those pretty words work both ways, hyung." 

Yeonjun didn't answer for a while, Beomgyu knew why.

"The one before was a fact. This would be my guess." 

The younger was afraid he knew this as well, "You still haven't talked to him." This wasn't a guess, this was a fact. 

Yeonjun groaned, promising he had. 

"You're lying, you can't even face me, hyung." Beomgyu could hear the older mutter something under his breath before he finally turned around. 

"If you do it, I'll do it." 

"Deal."

"Deal."

After that, they both got back to the game and the room somehow seemed warmer now. After a few rounds of kung fu panda, and Yeonjun without a doubt winning all of them, the older turned once more. 

"I'll go blonde, you go black. We'd look so hot on stage," he was excited, that was for sure. 

"When?" 

"Today," Yeonjun replied sporting his infamous grin.

The younger rolled his eyes thinking how it was already midday, how it could all go wrong and he'd have to show up to school tomorrow as a shadowy cloud- not the storm-filled one that left mouths hanging open but the one made out of sewer water, holding acid rain or something worse. This could go so wrong in so many ways, he would probably end up with black hair, neck and fingertips. 

Beomgyu looked at the other unamused. "If your hair falls out after I try to bleach it, that's on you, hyung." 

Yeonjun's grin grew three sizes bigger. They'd got themselves another deal.

\-----

Taehyun was supposed to come over today, and Beomgyu was pacing around, practising his speech, trying to figure out which syllables to stretch out when talking. He needed to sound calm and sure of himself.

He stepped in front of a mirror, ruffling his black hair, making sure he looked good. The change had a positive effect on him, and he was proud that Yeonjun still had hair on his head. It had gone way better than he had first imagined. Dark hair made the boy look more mature, contrasted his delicate features. All in all, he was satisfied with the reflection that greeted him. 

A few minutes later the doorbell rang and Beomgyu found himself dazed with worry. He and Taehyun were supposed to cook lunch together, another one of their traditions- they had gathered a handful of those through the years.

The weekends have been theirs to cherish since the very start, then they added music to the list- practising together, recording new songs, writing lyrics. Both of them motivating each other, praising, giving advice. Oh, and the sleepovers. Those had slowly faded with the years becoming a rarity, but this custom was one of Beomgyu's favourites. Perhaps for selfish reasons, but he knew Taehyun enjoyed it as well. It was fun and they got to stay up for how long they wanted as kids- playing, talking nonsense about the films they had watched.

Once Beomgyu moved to live with his brother, they started cooking together- Taehyun taking up the gym got frustrated with Beomgyu's eating habits. Beomgyu made sure to at least try to eat healthy when the two of them were together. Not that he objected. Taehyun was a great cook anyway. He was a great- everything.

A friend, a student, a musician, a person. 

Beomgyu looked down at the floor, at his feet. He hoped his hands wouldn't tremble, not while Taehyun could see them, at least.

After opening the door, he was met with Taehyun giving him a quick "hey" before making his way inside, handing Beomgyu a shopping bag full of groceries.

The boy looked like his typical self, dressed in a pair of black jeans and a long-sleeve shirt. 

"Oh, you're back to black," he smiled once noticing the older's hair. "It looks good, will look amazing on stage." The younger's gaze softly danced through Beomgyu's hair strands. 

How cruel.

Beomgyu huffed, "Yeonjun hyung said the same."

Taehyun nodded, starting to take his jacket off, "Noodles with chicken?" he asked, "I thought it'd be nice."

Beomgyu glanced inside the bag, noticing packages of various sauces and noodles, "Sure," he spoke while bringing the bag into the kitchen, sparing one last glance at the other.

If this went downhill, today would mark the last day he could be around Taehyun without the pain out in the open, strangling them both with its bare hands.

While the younger was hanging his jacket and taking off his shoes, Beomgyu braced himself. The truth was- he had no plan. He just knew he had to put an end to this.

The older tried to look out the window and focus on the faraway cars passing the apartment while waiting, calming himself down. He needed to concentrate. One car, two cars, what if Taehyun didn't hear the song and they would have to listen to it together, three cars, god, that would be nerve crushing, four cars, rapid heartbeat and way too many cars. 

Oblivious or ignoring Beomgyu's tension, the younger walked into the kitchen and started unpacking the groceries, searching for a pot that would fit their portions. "Will your brother eat with us?"

Beomgyu shook his head coming back to reality, "No, he's out."

"Ah, sometimes I feel like you live alone," the latter replied, body halfway into the lower cupboard- searching. "Should we still make some for him too? I mean, he practically lets me live here and use his stuff, so-"

"Yeah, I guess," Beomgyu looked away from the window, watching the younger dig through pots and pans. He took a deep breath, nibbling on his lower lip. "Did you see the new piece I uploaded?" Steady steps, calm, steady steps. 

Taehyun froze for a minute, pulling himself out of the cupboard empty-handed. He didn't look the other's way, he seemed... nervous. "The sunset one from last time?" His voice sounded higher than usual. "I did. Did you already get a buyer? Did you change something last minute?"

Beomgyu felt like some master torturer, casting his eyes on the movements the other made. Stiff. Unsure. "No, the other one," he spoke.

The younger was still refusing to face him, reaching for an empty water glass in the shelves above the sink. "Oh, um, maybe? I- I'm not sure."

The older boy could feel his heart sink, once again. There it was, he was met with the fleeting of his truth- years of his life empty. It stung, it fucking stung.

Taehyun had heard it, he had, he must have. There was no chance he'd react this way if he truly didn't know what the other was talking about.

"The one about you," was his final blow. 

Taehyun opened a water bottle, pouring the liquid inside the glass, busying himself with anything he could get his hands on. Beomgyu couldn't see his face. It was unusual for the younger to be so evasive, secretive, emotional even- distressed.

It just made Beomgyu sad. "Why aren't you talking to me?" he could hear his voice break. "Why are you ignoring this?" He didn't want to feel like this all was in vain.

There had been times when the two of them had got into fights. Beomgyu remembers one of the loudest incidents clearly. They had been around fourteen years old, right after he had realised his feelings for the latter. It was silly, he remembers laughing about it later, but back then they had cried, shouted at each other even. And all over a dumb afterschool club. 

Taehyun got accepted but Beomgyu hadn't. He had felt embarrassed, lost- wasn't he the older hyung? Wasn't he the one who should lead the way? In the end, he realised he was just scared Taehyun would find new friends, friends who would show him a new world- not the one which lied in Beomgyu's hands.

A few days after their shouting, Taehyun had shown up at Beomgyu's front door with fresh muffins and a pack of playing cards. 

"You know I wouldn't have gone without you, right?" He had mumbled, throwing the warm bread into the other's hands, eyes downcast. 

Beomgyu remembers feeling dumb. We wouldn't have gone as well if it was the other way around.

That was how he learned to trust the other with music- their job nowadays- with his life. That's why it hurt like hell being in this airless fucking kitchen, Taehyun refusing to talk to him. It broke him.

"I can't do this, Taehyun," his voice came out stronger than he intended, yet still strained. His arms coming to hug his own body.

He wasn't quite sure how or why it happened, but a second after he lost his control, the younger bumped against the kitchen counter, disoriented, knocking the glass onto the floor. Taehyun's body pressed over the counter, hands holding him up, clutching at his hair. 

"Stop," is all he said- begged. 

"Taehyun," Beomgyu spoke up, wary, looking at the broken glass on the floor, not knowing what to do. "What do you want me to do, what do you want me to say?" He was nervous, scared even of what would come, but he could brace it, it's not like there was anything else left to do.

Taehyun was still standing turned away. The younger boy placed both of his elbows on the kitchen counter and rested his forehead against his palms, shakily holding the rest of his body up, bent. He stayed silent.

"Do you hate me that much now? I don't get it, I really don't," Beomgyu wanted to reach out, but pulled his hands back to his sides, it didn't seem like the right moment. Was he causing pain to the other? Was it better for him to leave? Had he said too much too soon? 

Beomgyu didn't understand what was going on, his mind was racing with a million thoughts per second. 

"It's fine, I'll just go so you can leave. You don't have to pretend to be my friend anymore, I get it," the older boy lowered his head taking the first steps to exit the room. Hurting the younger was not what he wanted, he would hate himself if that ever happened. He felt dull, hazy. 

This wasn't exactly how he imagined it would go down, but at least it was over now. Beomgyu felt hot tears forming, waiting for a moment to spill as he walked past Taehyun, still clutching his head, hair messy- spread to all directions now.

"Don't." A whine. "Don't, please- please don't say that." 

Was Taehyun crying? Beomgyu stopped his steps, turning to face the other, it's when his own emotions overflowed, wet streams coming down his cheeks. "Why are you crying?" he let out a broken laugh- barely there. 

Why was the boy ftearful? Why was he making Beomgyu even more confused? Wasn't this already enough?

"Do- do you really think I- I could hate you?" Taehyun's voice was barely audible, choked up. The younger tried hiding his tears, drying them with his sleeves. Useless. The moment he did, Beomgyu could see his shoulders shutter with a hiccup and the boy was back at the start- sobbing.

Beomgyu thought he might be bleeding on the inside seeing the other like that, he felt like shit. Did his words do this to Taehyun? Had he pushed too far? He couldn't manage to answer the boy, because yes- yes he did think that the gentle love they once shared had blurred the lines with hate. All because of him. 

The silence made him sick, made the whole world sick. They were spinning now.

Taehyun finally twisted to look at him. 

If flowers could bloom on skin, Taehyun would be peppered with lilies of the rain. Pink, swollen cheeks, reddened nose, and his eyes- filled with oceans, it seemed.

"How could I hate you when you're the most precious part of my life," the boy was in desperate disbelief, tears streaming down his face, lips parted. He was choking on his words, "How- how could I hate you when you're the one who should hate me? You didn't deserve any of this, gyu."

"Taehyun... I-," Beomgyu took a step closer.

"I heard the song, I've been listening to it for days. shit- what's it been? Two weeks now?" the younger boy swiped at his cheeks, standing upright, he looked defeated, given up, vulnerable. "I- I've been so cruel to you, I- I'm so sorry- I- I didn't mean to. I wish- I wish I could love you back, but I - I can't." He pulled his palms back to hide his face, rub at it as if it would make him wake up from the nightmare that was life. "It would never be enough."

Beomgyu was frozen, a shell of a boy, "... enough?" His head hurt, he just wanted this to end.

"I- I got so happy, you know? The day I listened to the song, I got so happy, I swear I'd never been that happy before," he was laughing that miserable laugh, the one that dared to shatter Beomgyu into bits and pieces. "I fucking- I told my mother, okay?" Anger. Taehyun was biting his cheek, looking anywhere but him, voice rising. "You know what she said?" 

Beomgyu shook his head- weak. 

"She said I'd rot in hell for words like that. Said my father would spit on me if he ever heard me say it. Said I should forget about it or else she'd never let me see you again.

"What did you tell her, Taehyun?" Beomgyu whispered, hopeless.

"I told her I'm in love with you. That I've always been."

"W-what?" He couldn't believe the words he was hearing. After all this time, after the years of secrets, these past weeks of heartbreak, it was finally it- Taehyun loved him. Kang Taehyun fucking loved him and Beomgyu was in tears. Loud, uncontrollable, tears of relief. 

He didn't care now, nothing mattered. Taehyun's mother didn't matter, his father didn't matter, the glass on the floor didn't matter, the ache in his heart from the days before didn't matter- he crossed the space between them falling into the younger's arms, embracing him, holding him, keeping him safe. 

They were both crying, arms wrapped around each other's exhausted bodies. Beomgyu could feel Taehyun shaking his head, wanting to keep the distance but failing. 

"You are enough, you are more than enough, Taehyun, I- we will figure this out, we just have to wait for a little while- you could- you could move out, I'd help you, I'd - I'd - please," his words were faltering, hands moving up and down, grabbing at whatever he could. The boy's shirt, his nape, hair, his cheeks- Beomgyu was never going to let him go. "Please never leave, I love you more than anything."

"You deserve someone who's love has no limits," the younger boy breathed against his shoulder, still trying to escape the older's gasp.

"I don't care about what other people say, you hear me?" he took Taehyun's face in his palms, pressing their foreheads together. "It's not a limit, it's- it's something we got to work out, I- I will be there for you through all of it. It will make us stronger, closer, I promise, okay? I- we- we got this, okay?" he felt his words fail him until the younger nodded. 

Taehyun nodded. He agreed. 

Taehyun fucking agreed to be with him. Beomgyu could explode, take the rest of the world out with him- turn into nothingness just to create the universe, the stars, the sun, the earth all over again. And again. And again. He would do that for Taehyun.

The older smiled and pressed his lips to the others cheek, holding them there for a while. Making sure it was real, that this wasn't a dream. Taehyun's cheek burned hot under his lips, and that's how he knew today wasn't a mirage. 

The younger moved his head to the side to once again meet the other eye to eye, pressing his own lips against the older's. 

Their kiss- laced with tears, with sleepless nights, hidden gazes through the years, skin brushing against skin that meant more than they ever let on, with the purest of child's memories and the most dreadful fear of losing one another- desperate and long overdue, that's how it felt.

"I think- I think we need to clean this mess up before your brother comes home," Taehyun whispered. They both laughed at that- soundlessly, tired. 

"Yeah-" Beomgyu breathed, and they kissed again, and again. 

They will be able to get through this, they will, Beomgyu knew. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how are we feeling about this chapter?
> 
> Please be sure to leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed :')  
> my twt is @/yoonkiboonki if u want to become my friend


	9. being struck by lightning would feel bland compared to this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // bullying at the first part, homophobic slurs 
> 
> this chapter is a lot longer than all the other ones, i hope you will enjoy it !!!

Soobin had reconciled with the fact that he was dead meat the moment he had to get out of his mother's car and into the school's hallways. Purely by the feeling that overtook the boy when he inhaled his first morning breath, he was expecting the worst. He'd seen it happen to others with his own two eyes. 

Soobin kissed his mother goodbye and stepped out. His fingers were trembling, so he hid them in the pockets of his jean jacket. Maybe he could still escape somehow?

The boy prayed for a magical carpet to appear and sweep him off his feet, a huge maroon dragon to fly down on earth and take him away- or out(of consciousness). Being abducted by aliens sounded like a blessing, maybe they'd even teach Soobin their language rather than experiment with his insides, maybe life on other planets was full of surprised- actually pleasant ones. Soobin didn't think luck was on his side though, didn't think it had ever been. 

It was the first day after the incident, after the explosion that will haunt him for the rest of his life, he was sure of it. It already did- he had laid awake the whole night, lungs deflated- unable to breathe.

Half the sleepless night he had cried. He had cried so much it was almost possible that Soobin had poured out all of the tears from his body, and now it was left dry and empty for the rest of his existence. How agonizing, an existence as a drought. The other half of the night, he had spent watching a mosquito fly around his ceiling lamp, sometimes land on one of his legs, yet never bite.

Soobin got it. If he were given a choice, he wouldn't want anything to do with himself, too. 

And then, once the glass doors indicating the entry closed behind him, all eyes were on him. Soobin tried to avert his gaze, staring at the ground, but he could feel the shadows rather than people buzzing around him, sending electric signals- some with worry, some with anticipation. 

Everyone knew Soobin was dead meat. 

He made his way to the lockers, opening his up, finding crumpled papers inside. He didn't dare to read the writings on them. 

If from the bypassers view it might have seemed that the boy was acting tough, he was far from that. Cause Soobin knew he was a coward, knew that this exact quality was the sole reason why in just a few minutes his remains will be fed to the snakes- or rather teenagers with poison boiling inside of their stomachs, waiting for their next prey.

He had been a coward his whole life, and today marked the date when he will regret both being one for so long and choosing not to be one for the first time in his life.

"Look who the fuck is here," a familiar voice. Soobin closed his locker, turning around to face the boy. "You got a death wish, kid? We could grant you one."

Soobin didn't need to look up to know they were all there. Ryujin too. He could smell her cheap cigarettes that stuck to her clothing louder than any alarm- he wished she'd stop smoking, wished her parents would stop gifting her with violet flowers on her cheeks for doing it.

"Aww, what now, a cat's got your tongue? A little too late, don't you think?"

Another voice added, "Someone should teach him that actions have consequences," the others agreed.

Soobin tried muffling the sounds- their voices- think about something else, like mom and how they're going to walk the whole way to dad's work to pick him up later, and then have dinner together. Soobin thought about Kai's fifteenth birthday celebration a few months ago, and how long and fluffy the boy's hair has grown.

Next thing he knew was his body being violently smashed against the lockers behind him. A bang. Was it his head? Maybe shoulders. A rush of colours, then just white. 

He had brought this upon himself. Soobin had known this even before he heard the boys or Ryujin spit the words towards where he was pushed on the ground.

"I can't believe what you fucking did, you're so stupid," Ryujin laughed in disbelief. "You're a child, Soobin, learn to grow up. You really think you're better than others? Well, guess what, you're not shit. How dare you do something like that to us? We were your friends, Soobin! I was your family!" She stepped closer, hunching down to meet the boy's eyes.

It felt like everything bad that had ever happened since the big bang that created the universe was his fault. 

"Ryujin, please, understand-" he tried but was interrupted by the girl. She was shaking her head, disappointed. 

"I thought you were better than that, you know?" The school bell rang, but they both didn't move an inch, she was talking quietly now. "I thought our friendship meant something to you, but I guess I was wrong. Did you just want to hurt me?"

No

No

No

"I couldn't, Ryu, can't you see that-," Soobin tried to speak up, but the girl stood up, creating distance between them.

"You destroy everything you touch, don't you, Soob? It's in your blood or something," Ryujin said, motioning her arms at him as if the ugliness that she was talking about was visible on his skin, his being, his aura. "Go to hell, Soobin," she sighed before walking away.   
  


He still went to lessons that day and the next, and the day after that. And it didn't get better even after months- not that he was expecting it to get. 

He still heard those vicious words now and then, he still opened his locker to trash, his shoes dirty with mud. Except after that fateful day, nobody talked to him unless they were swear words or the obligation of group projects. He didn't get to see Ryujin at the swings and the only times she acknowledged him were when she would ask him to move out of the way- cause her tiny locker was still above his, and he has always been too tall for his own good.

That was when he started wondering what does emptiness truly feel like, what creates it. An absence. Absence of what? Soobin was overflowing with many emotions the moments he felt the emptiest- anger, guilt, loneliness, despair, sadness. Perhaps the emptiness came from wishing he had never known anything but these feelings that had created home within him now. It's what he deserved anyway, right?

When people say you shouldn't stick fingers in a candle's fire if you didn't want to get burned, Soobin knew what it meant to have his heart suffer frostbite. His iceberg core turned the yellow days into blue and aching nights. The darkness that had carried his secrets and leant him a soul now suffocating, too much to bear.

All he had ever wanted was a place where he could belong, a place where he could speak and be heard. Perhaps the floor by the lockers was truly that place and perhaps the city pigeons cooing under his window listened to his restless heart beating with less passion each passing day in the silence of his room.

This was his story. This was what Soobin had created for himself.

  
  


\-----

There were many situations a person could not avoid in their life, like having to be around other living beings, the need for food and sleep, self-judgement and wishing for success. Birth, for example, or the state of being dead.

Even if he had tried to distance himself, not to get involved, not think about such things, Soobin found himself unable to settle and relax for the past days. 

Not because of the nightmares, which were luckily not as bad anymore, not because he needed to attend more of those in-person lectures which made his blood pressure heighten (Math was holding him by his throat and meeting someone would most likely create a black wormhole to hell right in front of his eyes. God didn't know which misfortune to gift him, so he created space for both), but because of one- now blonde- annoying mythical creature named Yeonjun, who was living in his mind rent-free.

Soobin hasn't seen him in a week, which used to be normal, honestly, Soobin had gone nineteen years of his life without the older, so he really wasn't getting the point of feeling this way- missing him. Yet he did. 

They were texting, though. 

Like actually texting, meaning, Soobin was replying with full sentences, meaning, the inevitable had happened before he had the chance to stop it.

Choi Soobin was used to Choi Yeonjun which led to Choi Soobin missing Choi Yeonjun, and that was a nightmare on its own. 

For the past days, the older had been busy running to different job interviews and practically living with Beomgyu, making a setlist, practising for their performance that was meant to happen in a week. Yeonjun had said it would be an important one, could impact his future, Soobin didn't know why. 

Perhaps, Soobin was stubborn, cause even though schoolwork has been a struggle and he was more busy than usual, the exams approaching, he knew he still could have asked the older to come over- stay the night. And that was the worst part, cause he wanted that. He wanted to be close to Yeonjun, wanted to see his light hair in person, wanted to wake up to his warmth, his slightly swollen pink flushed face in the mornings. He just didn't want to be a burden calling the other, asking to meet up.

Soobin didn't think anything much of it, could somewhat ignore it until last night.

It started as usual- he was laying in bed at around two am, unable to fall asleep, not paying attention to the cars passing by or his cassettes playing in the background.

In his mind, Soobin was with Yeonjun, half-covered by his sheets, and they were looking at each other, the moonlight highlighting the older's features, asking Soobin to melt away. 

Yeonjun's hand was on his cheek this time, and Soobin could feel his hummingbird heartbeat close to bursting through his ribcage, while the older caressed him softly in his thoughts- his touch light but telling.

Then they were closer, bodies pressed against one another, chest to chest, thigh to thigh, Yeonjun's leg resting between Soobin's. The older was smaller, much smaller than him, almost fragile, and Soobin slipped his palm under the boy's shirt, sliding it slowly back and forth, scratching against the smooth skin on his back, causing the other to hum and arch his body in contentment.

The boy could imagine it so clearly, Yeonjun was lying with his head on the younger's other arm spread underneath him, eyes lidded, gaze travelling up and down from Soobin's lips to the tips of his cheekbones.

Soobin bit the soft insides of his cheek. 

The cassette player had stopped, letting silence erupt in his apartment. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this way- as if his skin was too heavy, too sensitive, every touch more and more compelling, magnetic. He was brushing the tips of his fingers against his arms, swimming in his senses- sinking.

Soobin let his fingers slide on to his stomach, shirt lifted, let them slide over the waistband of his briefs, all while holding his breath. The sensations weren't unfamiliar to him yet it had been a while since the last time he explored them, indulged in them. 

He slipped one, two, three fingers under the thin fabric, tracing them next to and over the warm firmness that was taking control, until giving himself up to the craving and taking his whole length into the palm of his hand.

It was... embarrassing. Soobin felt his body heat up with the motion, nibbling on his lower lip, moving his wrist in a steady rhythm.

If Yeonjun hyung were to be with him, what would he say? How would his voice sound? Would he speak slowly with the same velvety flavour that the older had used under the cloudy sky? Or would his voice be muffled by sleep? 

How would he look at Soobin in a moment like this? 

Soobin hoped- greedy, wanting.

His movements were becoming faster now, face turned to the side, half-hidden in the soft pillow beside him. The boy held his breath one more time and flipped on to his stomach, hand still in place, unfaltering, one leg slightly bent at his knee, allowing him to imagine being by the older's side more clearly, buried in the crook of his neck.

Was this wrong? How would Yeonjun hyung feel if he were to find out? Had the other ever done the same? 

Soobin closed his eyes, in a way shielding himself from seeing what he was about to do. The boy pulled out his hand and quickly pushed one of the pillows down against himself, laying his hips on it and pressing the lower half of his body as tightly against the softness as he could, moving his hips slightly forward and back. 

What would Yeonjun hyung's hand feel like if it was the one doing these things to him? His body against Soobin's? Would it be gentle or rough? Would his hyung tell him he was good for him or silently watch him in lust?

How would it feel to kiss him? Have his cheek against Soobin's, his hair messy on top of his head, hands wandering, searching for something to hold on to before the climax took them both far away.

Soobin parted his lips to loudly gasp for air, rubbing his cheek against the fabric of the pillow. 

Would Yeonjun hyung think he looked good all gone for him? 

Soobin could feel his body tensing up, the fever-like sensation spreading to his brain. He quicked his movements until he felt his body give in, sending shivers down his spine, making him pant, body going slack.

Does Yeonjun hyung like him back?

Does- 

  
  


Does  _ he _ like Yeonjun? The thought struck his mind without mercy, causing the boy to let out a silent scream into his pillow, thoughts much clearer now.

Fuck- fuck- fuck- 

Soobin whined, heartbeat picking up the pace once again, this time shame and worry travelling through his body. The noises coming from the outside were too prominent now, as well- the reality coming back too abruptly.

Soobin knew he was absolutely at most fucked.

\-----

  
  


"But it's been troubling me, you know?" Kai's smile faltered.

Soobin could only feel sympathy at that, "I know, I understand, but I'm not sure if there is anything you can do. At least for now." 

They were sitting in Soobin's kitchen, heating up pre-made pancakes the younger had brought with him,- Soobin on the counter with one leg crossed over the other while Kai stared out the window, seated by the small worn out table with the pitiful lavender plant on top of it. The sky was threatening to pour.

"I guess you're right, but it feels... unfair. Don't you think life makes us," there was a pause before he continued, "helpless?" 

Soobin had learned it the hard way, knew it all too well, but it did upset the older to hear the same conclusions from his friend's mouth "There are situations that we can control and situations that we can't." He sighed, turning to his left to lazily flip the pancakes sizzling in the pan. 

Kai let his forehead hit the window, "And how do you know which one is which? Cause as you can see, hyung, that's the part I'm struggling here with," he laughed, but there was no joy in his voice. The younger was seemingly beating himself up over the situation.

Soobin had woken up late that day after receiving multiple text messages from Kai stating that he'll come over after school. It wasn't unusual for the boy to come by on weekdays, but it surely was slightly out of their routine. Soobin had known the boy was troubled by something then and there. 

Even if their friendship mostly consisted of teasing one another and acting silly, Soobin had made it clear that if the boy ever needed help or any sort of advice, he would be there for him. Soobin wasn't sure if he was the best option, knowing his own life was in shambles, but he would never say no to the younger. He just hoped that Kai knew his judgement could be and probably was flawed.

Soobin was about to answer when his phone started buzzing with an incoming call. 

Kai perked up at that, "If it's your parents show them how I'm making you eat human food for once," the boy said with a raised eyebrow, not letting a moment where he could get praised to pass by.

Soobin huffed at the younger, before noticing the name of the caller. "Huh, no, it's actually Yeonjun hyung." He swiped at his screen, moving the device up to his ear, not noticing Kai's raised eyebrow now being accompanied by a smug grin. 

"Hi, hyung, what's up?" Soobin said, starting to walk in circles. Ever since  _ the thing _ , he had been reluctant to answer Yeonjun's messages, spending more time than necessary coming up with replies that, in his mind, sounded "not at all suspicious or awkward". 

Shame had made its way into Soobin's daily life as the newest addition. Truly wonderful! Now the whole emotional spectrum of what made a person miserable was awake in his mind. Was there a Guinness record for that? Either way, it should be at least named after him. Choi Soobin's record aka the Guinness record for the biggest psychological resemblance a person could have to a squashed fly nearing its death.

In summary, Soobin wasn't surprised the older had chosen to call this time instead, knowing that a reply could only come in after a couple of hours.

"You're home right?" Yeonjun asked, or more like made sure his assumption was correct. 

Soobin gulped, "Yeah?"

"Sweet, I'm coming over."

"Oh,-" The younger didn't get the opportunity to finish, Yeonjun continuing with what was on his mind.

"To be honest, I'm kind of already here, so, um,-" silence, "just let me in, you'll see," the older said in such a tone it made Soobin wary of what was to come, yet the boy complied. 

He told Kai to take care of the pancakes and went to greet the older at the door, his heart missing a couple of beats here and there. Wait, how did humans stand when they were waiting for a friend to arrive? Most importantly, where do they put their hands? 

When the door finally opened, the natural instincts that take control once a being is met with shock, kicked in, dissolving the pretend with real emotions. Firstly- the hair. It was the first time he was seeing the latter with light hair, and he looked... real. Yeonjun didn't look like a magical fox with a shimmering halo around its head, didn't resemble a blue flame signalling complete combustion. He was a blank canvas asking for the colours of the world to be splattered across him, painted in experiences and knowledge, in other's awe.

Soobin dropped his eyes lower.

Secondly, the dog. Yeonjun was holding up what looked like a [white baby french bulldog](https://www.petlandheath.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/1417909_800.jpg) covered in dirt, eyes falling shut and reopening as he snored in the boy's arms. 

"I didn't know you had a dog," Soobin mumbled under his breath while the latter took off his shoes and shuffled inside. 

Kai seemed happy though, running up to Yeonjun from where he was lurking from the kitchen, and without any introductions asking for the puppy, "Woah, so cute! Can I hold it?" 

Yeonjun seemed a bit taken aback, not expecting the younger, but easily gave in and handed him the puppy. It was the first time the two had met. "She's not mine," he smiled with fondness, "I found her on the streets. She has a collar with a tag, I was thinking maybe she ran away." 

The boys settled across the kitchen table after the two visitors got acquainted, Soobin took his place a bit further back on the counter. Kai was petting the dog while it silently slept in his lap and Yeonjun went on with his story. The grey clouds on the other side of the windows gradually started to drip down, filling the air with moisture and millions of tiny liquid pearls.

"I had a job interview, not so far away, I was slowly heading home, thinking maybe I should come over to Soobinie's when I saw her near the trash cans- all bundled up and dirty. The poor baby looked so scared," Yeonjun frowned, "I came closer and noticed she had a collar with a name on it," he pointed at the pink leather around the dog's neck. 

"Leia!" Kai twisted it to look at the attached charm. "Ah, but it doesn't have a phone number or anything."

"Right, so I took little Leia, and because it looked like it was about to rain, I thought, If I'm close, might as well come here to hide from it and show her off." Yeonjun glanced at Soobin, rather nervous than excited. 

"Your apartment complex allows dogs?" Kai questioned, "I heard a lot of landlords in Seoul don't favour that."

"Well," Yeonjun shrugged, "I'll figure it out, I can't just leave her."

Soobin was biting his lip, wondering if the older could ever afford to keep a dog around, as none of them knew how long it would take to find its owners. He didn't know how much Yeonjun had saved up, but being jobless with two stomachs to fill was more difficult than one. And what if the landlord noticed Leia? Yeonjun could get in trouble and be asked to pay a fine, or worse- move out. Was he not thinking straight? 

"So what did I disturb?" Yeonjun perked up again after a moment, and Soobin quickly shook his head in response.

"You didn't," he felt his cheeks heat up at that. God, Soobin was a weak man. "Kai was talking about some school stuff."

The youngest boy raised his head from where he was nuzzling with the puppy, his expression growing back to gloomy. Yeonjun was quick to get the idea. 

"You're taking life advice from Soobin?" he teased, and Soobin threw out a quiet "jerk" at him with no real kick in it, Kai seemed to smile at that.

"How do you know when it's time to give up?" the youngest turned to face Yeonjun.

"When what you're pursuing is bringing you more pain than anything positive," was the older's reply, and Soobin could agree with that. "But it's a bit more tricky than that, at least that's what I think. There's a difference between the pain of being helpless and the pain from the actual pursuit. If it hurts cause you don't know what to do, cause you think you've tried your best and it got you nowhere, then I see it as an excuse, as self-pity," he brushed his bangs out of his eyes and crossed his legs under the table, "If the literal thing you're pursuing is causing harm, that's another case, then it's better to stop."

Soobin sighed, "But there is no real way to tell which one is which until you're tired and beaten down by it."

"So it's better to stop altogether in your opinion?" Yeonjun raised an eyebrow at Soobin.

"I'm just saying that maybe the fact that it's hurting in the first place is a good enough reason to stop."

"That's why I said there's a difference. How many times have you bruised your knees as a child and cried crocodile tears only to realise that it wasn't that bad? How many times have you worked up the courage for a talk that didn't mean much in the end? Sometimes the pain is in your head."

Soobin got off the counter after hearing that, making his way back to the pancakes that Kai had now placed on a plate. What Yeonjun had said made sense, but the "sometimes" part of it all was just that- sometimes. Sometimes life was shit because you imagined it to be, but all the other times because that was what it was- shit.

"So, what's the situation?" Yeonjun cleared his throat, turning to Kai. 

The boy exhaled, resting his head back against the window, "I got into a fight with a friend at school, we both said some stuff we shouldn't have, and now it's been a couple of days, but even after we apologized to each other, it's just... not the same, I guess. And now he's going through something which I found out only through rumours, and I wanted to help, but... he's been pushing me away."

Soobin came back, placing the food on the table, having divided the pancakes in three. He dropped a fork for each of them and took his own plate, sitting back on the counter. The puppy finally stirred awake, smelling the food near its little snout, and Kai was happy to focus on feeding his portion to the dog instead of eating it himself. 

"You've been trying to start conversations?" Yeonjun asked, and Kai nodded. "You know," the boy continued, "Why not try something different? Invite him over, have fun, take his thoughts away for a moment." He said before stuffing his mouth with a pancake, then, as in suddenly realising, shifting to slightly bow at Soobin, thanking him for the meal. 

"You don't think that's weird? It would be quite unexpected," Kai responded while trying his best to hold down and not to let the puppy climb on the table for more food.

Soobin shrugged, "It's worth the try, isn't it?" 

The truth was that Soobin simply didn't want to see the younger sad, wasn't accustomed by it even. Though, he guessed that was what growing up did to people. 

Without taking into account the conversation at hand, the scene in front of him was quite domestic. The water hitting and creating trails down the glass, the slight hue of grey staining the room a shade darker than usual during midday hours, and then the two boys with the puppy- delicate in their being. 

Soobin felt his eyes linger on the older for a bit longer than necessary- with the simple thought of beauty in his mind- dusting his cheeks and neck with red. He knew he had it bad- palms already sweaty just from the thought of being closer to the latter. Embarrassing.

"You've been friends for a while?" Yeonjun asked, pointing at Soobin, and Kai didn't hesitate to say they've been friends since early childhood. "Ahh, so you've always been around?" he questioned, observing the boy with eyes full of thought.

"Yeah, more or less," Kai smiled affirmingly.

They ate the rest of their meal and listened to Yeonjun's job hunting experience- another disaster,- as the boy called it himself. Long hours five times a week for minimum wage, even for a simple smoothie bar it seemed unreasonable. 

At one point Leia was let to stumble on the floor, the puppy sniffing at every corner confused by her surroundings and the three strangers accompanying her. Soobin made sure to place a plate of water and a few more pancakes to make sure she didn't feel threatened. 

They were discussing places where Yeonjun had the potential to get a job when Kai received a call from his mother informing him she'd pick him up in a few minutes. 

"We could drive you to your apartment, hyung," Kai proposed while tying his shoes by the door. "It's still raining heavily, don't want Leia to get sick."

Yeonjun hummed, "That would be quite nice, actually, I'd-"

"W-wait-" Soobin bit his lip, crossing his arms, not ready to meet the gazes of the others, "I- uh- I don't think it's a good idea for you to take Leia with you." He was tracing the darker lines on the wooden floor with his gaze, hoping they would distract him from the pinch in his stomach. "I- You could leave her here. My apartment's pet friendly."

Was it? No. But the puppy was already inside, so that wasn't an issue. Plus, his landlord was acquainted with his parents, meaning that if he found out, Soobin was sure he wouldn't get kicked out. The most the old man would do is raise the pay for this month, and he was sure he could cover it himself with the money his parents sent him weekly. So it wasn't that big of a deal, right? It's what any friend would do. 

Soobin took a look around to see Kai amused, holding his mouth shut with all his might, a loud laugh wanting to escape through his lips. He knew. Fuck. 

"I'm not sure. I would appreciate it, but it's also my responsibility since I was the one to find her," Yeonjun sounded unsure. 

"It's okay, hyung, you're busy anyway- the concert, the job hunting. You can't show up to interviews with a dog," Soobin rubbed at the back of his neck, and Yeonjun hummed.

"It's fine, I can handle it."

"Trust me, alright? I'll take good care of her," Soobin promised and Yeonjun compiled. 

"Alright." He turned to face the younger, "I'll stay here for a bit longer then."

After saying goodbye to Kai, Yeonjun proposed to help wash the dog, as its muddy paws were leaving dirt all over Soobin's apartment, and the younger boy nodded in response. They hadn't seen each other in a while, and talking through texts had been slow- due to Soobin's little issue- so it was nice having Yeonjun around. What wasn't nice, however, was the stuttering and blushing, and wishing he could stand so close to the other their hands would touch... or lips. 

Just a few minutes later, both of them were half-kneeling inside Soobin's shower- Yeonjun holding and distracting the nervous puppy and Soobin playing with the water temperature, making sure it wasn't too hot. Leia calmed down after a while and quietly sat looking around while Yeonjun rubbed the puppy's tiny snout and paws clean.

"She's such a good dog," Yeonjun cooed, and Soobin gritted his teeth.

They were so close, he could feel the older's hair strands against his cheek, where he was trying his best to slightly bend over them both making sure the water poured over the puppy but didn't get into its ears or eyes. 

Yeonjun had his sleeves rolled up exposing his arms, and Soobin was seeing flashes of red. Maybe if he passed out it wouldn't be as bad?

"Baby needs to be all clean so we can post pretty pictures of her on Facebook, yeah?" Yeonjun continued his one-sided conversation with the dog, and Soobin had to intervene before his heart gave out, hearing Yeonjun's voice in such a playful tone.

"So... the concert," Soobin coughed. "Any luck?"

Yeonjun hummed. "It's a big one, Soobinie."

"A big one?" He asked while checking if any of his shampoos were suitable for dogs. They weren't.

"Yeah, Beomgyu brother's friends had seen a few representatives from a record label wandering around smaller venues and bars. They said they were scouting for new producers or something. If we get lucky and they're there that night," Yeonjun let out a deep sigh, "If they see me and they like what I do... I could get a much better job." 

"Why scouting? Isn't it easier to open vacancies and let people send in their music?" The boy was confused by that.

Yeonjun laughed, now rubbing the puppy's stomach, "That's what I thought at first, too. But, you know, if it's a big label most people signing up would just do it for the money, not for the love of their art. They want loyalty and gratefulness rather than money chasing in their group. Now I think it makes sense."

"Oh," Soobin could see it now.

"So we've been trying to perfect everything to the max, making sure our vocals aren't rusty after almost a month with no stages," the older smiled at the other, and Soobin couldn't help but just stare back for a while.

It seemed that Yeonjun was a bit anxious about the whole situation, which was reasonable- it was his dream after all. Soobin couldn't help but wonder when was the last time he felt dominated by passion, while the older was overflowing with it just by thinking about performing. He thought the feeling would eat him up, wound him by a mere touch if he ever got the taste of it.

Soobin gave up on his search for shampoo and fell back, sitting crossed legged on the bathroom floor behind Yeonjun, handing the showerhead to the latter.

"What would you have told Kai?" Yeonjun's voice was muffled by Leia shaking her wet fur in protest, making the boy flinch back.

"What do you mean?"

"If I hadn't come by, what would you have told him?"

Soobin hid his palms in the front pocket of his hoodie, "I'm not sure, forgiveness is... it's a difficult thing especially when the whole world seems to be keen on weighing you down even more."

Yeonjun turned to ask for a towel and Soobin quickly complied, handing him one of his own off the racks. He'd wash it later.

Once the puppy was rolled up in the towel, they went to sit on Soobin's bed, Yeonjun still holding the tiny animal to his chest as he lied on his side. Soobin took a spot on the bed against the wall, feeling lost at the adorable scene in front of him, until reality hit him. 

Yeonjun was on his bed, facing him just like in the embarrassing thoughts he had created some nights ago. Soobin swallowed, fidgeting with his fingers. He would be able to smell Yeonjun's perfume all over his sheets again. At least he hoped so... of course unless the earth decided to split open and pull him down into the deep darkness where creeps like him belonged and he never got to see the light of day again. 

"Did you know that in some cases it is psychologically impossible for a person to forgive?" Yeonjun interrupted the silent freak-out taking place in the younger boy's mind.

Soobin needed a few seconds to clear his head, "It's not surprising."

"Do you think you could ever feel like that?" The boy let his head fall on to a pillow, the puppy in his arms now back asleep. Soobin felt Yeonjun's intense gaze on him, and he couldn't help but look back. 

"Perhaps."

"Your parents?" Yeonjun's voice was quiet.

Soobin bit his lip, shifting his gaze, and nodded, "And myself. Mostly myself," he whispered back. 

"Have you ever tried?" 

The rain outside was coming to a stop, in the distance- sirens. The grey didn't fade out, though, it was supposed to rain in a few hours again. 

Was he allowed to say it? Would the world forgive him if he opened up or would it silence him one more?

Soobin met Yeonjun's eyes again, the intensity toned down from before.

"I'd like to."

Somehow, step by step, their conversations had become softer, lighter. If weeks before they were scraping at each other's skin, not giving up on the way they each saw the world and what it consisted of, now it felt like a match of watercolours- not overpowering, simply mixing, transforming.

"Come," Yeonjun soundlessly patted the sheets beside him, asking for Soobin to lay next to him, and he did. Just a breath and a tiny puppy apart.

"Forgiveness takes place when a person at fault overpowers their wrongs with rights. I have a lot of wrongs, hyung," he smiled faintly, upset.

"Well," Yeonjun started, crinkling his nose, "then I'm glad you have your whole life ahead of you, Soobinie. You'll get there one day."

It was silent for a while, both of them in thought, listening to the snores Leia huffed in her sleep. Soobin wished they could be closer.

"What about lies?" Yeonjun was still refusing to look up from where he was eyeing the puppy, "Could you forgive someone who had lied to you?" 

"I- I don't know- not yet, no. Maybe someday when I don't feel like my insides are rotten black."

Yeonjun lifted his head, a gentle smile spread across his face, making the blood in Soobin's veins turn sweltering, "I hope so."

If Choi Yeonjun was a feeling, he would be a wakeup call sending shockwaves through each strand of hair. Daring. Electric. Freeing. Soobin was sure the tips of the boy's elbows and the heels of his feet were burned to charcoal- restless lightning coursing through his body day and night. But that was why he always understood, why he made the people around him feel safe hearing the cruelty of his own words- he was scarred just like them. He wouldn't understand if he wasn't.

After laying around for a while, Yeonjun excused himself saying he should better leave before the heavy rainfall picked back up again. They rolled the puppy in a warm blanket, and Soobin went to accompany the older outside to quickly buy a pack of dog food from the nearby store, hoping Leia wouldn't wake up and get scared of being left alone for a while.

Before saying goodbye, Yeonjun promised he'll visit Soobin the next day before heading to Beomgyu's- to help him post the pictures online,- but Soobin simply reassured the older that he could handle it. He knew Yeonjun was spending every minute of his waking life preparing for the concert or searching for a job- Soobin wanted to help in any way he could.

Later that night, Soobin fell asleep on the same pillow Yeonjun had used to lay on, cradling the small puppy in his arms. He didn't have nightmares that night for the first time in a while.

\-----

The days with Leia passed quickly, she was a good dog, and Soobin had grown to love her. Kai and Yeonjun asking for pictures of the little angel every day. 

The post online had gotten attention, but no one had yet to message Soobin about a missing puppy. His parents, after seeing the post, weren't exactly ecstatic but promised to talk to the landlord and let the dog stay for a few more days. Soobin had guaranteed that he'd study extra if they didn't pressure him into sending the dog to a pound. That was what they cared the most about, so the deal was sealed with ease.

It was the first day of May, hatching Soobin out of his shell. The nights had become shorter while the daylight stretched out, heating the apartment and filling all corners with a golden tint.

Leia seemed to love it, relishing just where the beams of sunlight hit the floor. If Soobin had to guess her age, she was probably born as a winter puppy- used to the cold and windy weather, now mesmerised by warmth. 

Soobin could see himself in her. Thrown out into the world alone and stained by mud, she held her secrets of "why's" and "how's" just the same as he did. 

Then Yeonjun washed it all away- recklessly, without thinking. Yet so seemingly easy, naturally.

Leia was a heaven-sent gift, and Soobin was wondering how to transform dog years into human days and minutes. When will the effect take place on him?

Still, ever since he admitted out loud that he could see the hope at the end of the tunnel, this happiness didn't seem so impossible to reach anymore. It didn't seem close, no, far from that, but Soobin had noticed that the tunnel he was stuck in wasn't so dark in the first place- at least, not anymore. 

Even if temporary, he had Leia cuddling her wet snout up to him at night, he had Kai coming over to watch shows with him, had that damned blonde boy texting him, calling him, making Soobin believe that there was life after death.

He didn't believe it yet, wasn't sure if he deserved it, but, for the first time in his life, he thought that perhaps he was allowed to dream of one.

"Soobinie, Soobinie," Yeonjun was begging him on the phone. 

"Hyung, no."

"Please?"

"No way."

"I'll drag you there myself."

Soobin huffed, "I can't leave Leia alone, you know that."

"But I got you on the list! Just take her, please, come. Our stage is at eleven, come around then. You don't have to be present the whole time." Yeonjun whined, and Soobin could hear Beomgyu's voice in the distance scolding the older about something before both Yeonjun's and Beomgyu's voices got cut off.

"Hey, hyung, this is Taehyun. Beomgyu just threw me the phone to talk to you while he chases Yeonjun around the house, it's quite chaotic here," the boy sounded unaffected by the noises in the background- the war zone. Soobin couldn't help but smile at the idea of the two boys being so excited. "I'm not performing, so we can hang together. We can even wait outside so the music doesn't bother your puppy too much."

Soobin could hear Yeonjun's muffled screams on the other side of the phone, something along the lines of " _ my  _ puppy". Soobin shook his head and gazed at the puppy in question circling his legs as if understanding the topic.

"Why are you not performing?" He questioned. 

"Too young. But since I'm on the guest list, I'm allowed to enter. It's a flawed policy, but I'm not about to question it and get kicked out," Taehyun explained. "Come at around eleven, yeah? I'll text you the details."

"I'll think about it."

"Sure," Taehyun replied, and Soobin could hear Yeonjun's voice once more in the background. "Uhh... Soobin hyung," the boy started, "Yeonjun hyung wants me to tell you to wear something, I quote, hot." 

Soobin hung up the phone at that.

  
  


In all honesty, Soobin was excited to see the performance and being on the guestlist made his heart swell with feelings unexplored. Even if he was nervous, the boy put on clothes which he thought would never see the outside world, clipped Leia's newly bought pink leash to her collar and was on his merry way.

He followed Taeyun's directions and soon ended up at a bar with black walls and white spray paint on them- windows tinted so that it was impossible to see inside while he waited for the younger boy to show up and guide him in. There was music already blaring on the inside, which made him wary- not being sure if the puppy would enjoy such loud noises. Yet Leia seemed calm, sniffing at the pavement close to the bar's entrance.

Soobin texted Taehyun and soon after the boy was out, extending his arm for a handshake. The older had his id checked, the woman by the door cooing at the puppy and rubbing Leia's tummy. Inside the bar, the two boys found empty seats- an old checkered couch at the back of the bar.

Surprisingly, it was a cosy place inside, dominated by dark browns and black. The lights were dim, and Soobin was thankful his wide eyes nervously observing everything and everyone were left hidden. The place wasn't full, yet most of the chairs randomly placed through the bar facing the stage and some of the old couches, just like the one they were sitting on, were taken.

"Most of them are artists who already performed," Taehyun informed, noticing Soobin's wary expression. "Some of them were over at hyung's birthday, you might even recognise them, but I've never seen half of these people either, so don't worry," he comforted. 

On the small stage, Beomgyu was now setting up his guitar, connecting it to an amplifier while Yeonjun was nowhere to be found. Soobin guessed, he was backstage. 

"Are the representatives here?"

"Yeah," Taehyun replied and pointed at a man and a woman by the bar, chatting with what seemed like the owner of the place. "They haven't done or said much, but maybe it's for the better," The boy sounded hesitant. "We'll see."

"What if they favour only one of them? What if the other is left without the opportunity?"

Taehyun didn't seem bothered by the idea, "Actually, the things is, only Yeonjun can get the job in the first place. Beomgyu's still in school, and since they offer education plus a spot in the company, he wouldn't be able to take it even if he got it," the boy shifted in his seat to watch the stage, his hyung more comfortably. "Even if Yeonjun hyung were the only one to get it, it increases Beomgyu's chances of getting a spot in the industry the year after or later- recommendations, networking and all of that. As long as they stay together, it would be good for both of them either way."

It wasn't long till the blonde dressed in shiny leather pants and a burgundy velvet crew neck stepped on stage, hair swept out of his face with gel. He whispered something in Beomgyu's ear and took a seat on a stool next to the latter, holding up a microphone.

"How is everyone? My name is Yeonjun, this is Beomgyu. Thank you for coming," Yeonjun said and flashed a welcoming smile while the bar cheered for them.

"Yeonjun hyung was born on stage," Taehyun leaned closer to Soobin to whisper. "When he performs, when the lights hit him, he practically glows. You can truly tell that everything he has ever done in his life has been just for moments like these."

Soobin hadn't thought about that. The older had risked everything for his music, for his calling- family, stability, health even with the frantic lifestyle it created,- yet this was his real home, wasn't it? The neon reflecting on his lips, the applause. This was what made Yeonjun the person who he was- there wouldn't be no him without it. And after knowing the boy for months, this was going to be the very first time Soobin would meet him- the true him. 

They started their first song. A ballad.

The funny thing was, that even if Yeonjun and Beomgyu were supposed to fit in the atmosphere, merge with the people in the bar, they didn't. Their faces too soft, their movements as if conscious of every muscle and bone- meditative, their clothes more elegant than the ripped jeans the other, Soobin assumed, artists were wearing that day. They formed their own ambience, mood, they didn't reflect the lights, they beamed their own. 

They didn't perform, they loved.

(Their music, their dreams, one another and themselves for choosing this path.)

Just by listening, watching, Soobin felt like he loved it all, too. Their emotions were sticking like glue, and he didn't want it any other way. He'd let them take over him again and again, blur him into nothingness. Could a person learn to love through someone else? If Yeonjun pulled a sting in his own heart Soobin was sure he'd feel it, too, after tonight. The morphing of two souls- accidental. He wished Taehyun had been wrong, and Yeonjun could see him, notice the terror of being alive in his eyes watching the latter on stage.

_ /How do you know this is not my disruption?/ _

The others creating the modest audience seemed to feel it too- the magnetic field overflowing them, enchanting them with spells unknown.

They played five songs that night, Leia became troubled in the middle of the forth, so Soobin and Taehyun quietly sneaked out, texting the others that they'd be waiting outside.

The air was soaked with cigarette smoke and the smell of cheap beer, but Soobin wasn't there anyway. He was somewhere inside of himself, banging at his shell of a body, scratching at his inner organs, painfully aware of the imprisonment they provided. 

"They just texted that they'll be out in a minute," Taehyun announced, petting the puppy Soobin held tight in his arms. "You okay there?"

Soobin didn't answer, just slightly nodded in response, and Taehyun gave out a breathy laugh.

Once the boys were out to meet them, they were radiating with joy, Beomgyu back hugging the youngest, asking if they enjoyed the performance. Yeonjun, nearly jumping in place, gushed about all the cool hyungs he'd met and how he had found people to collaborate with.

Behind them, the bar was slowly emptying, the night calling for its creatures to scatter. 

"Nice set!" a male with a low voice a bit further away shouted, and Soobin instinctively grabbed at Yeonjun's forearm, holding Leia even closer to his chest. "Too bad yall are fags," he spat at their direction, and the friend group froze.

Surprisingly none of them spoke up, not even Yeonjun. Soobin could feel his shoulders tensing up but the boy didn't make a sound. Suddenly there was nothing but worry on Taehyun's face and Beomgyu was already detaching himself from the latter, wide eyes, reaching for his hand in a hidden matter. 

It had never occurred to Soobin just how sensitive the topic was for them. He guessed, in a way, Yeonjun was reluctant to speak up and make a scene in front of the representatives, not wanting to ruin the impression he had created just a couple of minutes ago, while the other two looked too frightened to react.

It made Soobin's blood boil, made him want to cry, emotions raging. They didn't deserve this- it was their night. 

So when he spoke up, he didn't know what got over him, but he couldn't let it slip, "Nice set," he shouted back, "too bad you haven't got any talent!" He had no impressions to ruin, he didn't care if he got blacklisted from the bar if things escalated.

The man and his friend by his side halted at that, one of them turning to face Soobin, "What the fuck did you just say?"

"Soobin," Beomgyu whispered with a saddened smile. "Let it go."

"I said," it was too late to stop now, "the lyrics were good but your voice resembled a dying animal." Soobin hadn't even heard their set. "Maybe you should fix that?" he was trying not to pass out as he spoke.

One of the men started taking steps closer while the other was clearly anxious, trying to hold the latter back by his shoulder, "You think you got some guts, kid? I bet your little friends would love to see them smeared across the pavement. You wanna try that, huh?" he was mimicking Soobin's tone. 

Soobin gulped, and Leia, still pressed against his chest, was starting to shake, feeling the tension surrounding the group.

"Cut it out, man, leave them, we don't need this," the second man jerked the first one back. 

"If I ever see you again, kid, you're getting turned into your dog's food," he shouted one last time before being pulled away around the corner of the street. 

Soobin prayed his legs wouldn't give in, hugging Leia and letting her lick at his cheek. When he spared a glance at Yeonjun, the boy was staring at him with fluster- the soft, the thankful kind. 

Before the blonde could open his mouth, the club door opened and one of the staff members peeked his head out. "Choi Yeonjun?"

"Yeah?" the boy snapped out of the trance he had been put in.

"Some people wanna talk to you."

Soobin shared glances with both Beomgyu and Taehyun, the mood changing into excitement, anticipation once again. 

"Yeah, okay," the older followed the staff inside, signalling the others to wait outside a bit.

The moment the doors closed, Beomgyu loudly exhaled, "First of all," he pointed at Soobin, "you're out of your fucking mind! Second of all...'' he threaded his fingers through his black hair, "do you think it's the representatives?" The boy's eyes shimmered with hope. 

Taehyun straightened his back, trying to regain himself, "Must be."

Soobin fell back against one of the painted walls of the bar, heart still going at the speed of light from the adrenaline. Leia was snuggling into his jacket, and Soobin raised his hand to rub the soft fur against her ears before lowering the puppy to the ground, letting her sniff around the bar area. If he would say his head wasn't spinning, he'd be lying. 

Beomgyu coughed. "Hyung," his voice toned down, "I don't know if it's my place to say this, but what you're doing means a lot to Yeonjun hyung. It means a lot to me too, so thank you."

Soobin furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, "For what?"

The latter back hugged Taehyun for the second time, both of them shuffling closer to where Soobin was still resting against the wall, closing the distance between them, "Hyung is hard on himself most of the time, he's reckless, for sure, but it's how he was brought up. His family had always pushed him to do the absolute best, trained him for greatness or whatnot- he's not used to others helping." Beomgyu was keeping his voice low as if letting Soobin in on a secret.

"I'm sure you've noticed he's always ready to be there for people in need, but when it comes to himself, hyung likes to keep stuff private. Even if it's looking after the puppy he found or standing up for him like you just did, he is not very familiar with those things," Beomgyu finished, resting his chin against Taehyun's shoulder.

"His past relationships haven't been that healthy, as well," Teahyun hummed in agreement. 

Soobin nodded without showing emotion, even though the last part made his stomach twist. He hadn't thought about the possibility of Yeonjun being in relationships before- not that it was wrong. Not that he ever had a reason to think about it, in the first place. Yet the idea made Soobin, without doubt, a teeny tiny bit uncomfortable (jealous? no definitely not)- either way that would stay between him and the late nights spent in his room drowning in feelings he was not ready to admit out loud.

But what the others had said, made sense- Yeonjun was quite erratic in his lifestyle, running, grabbing at whatever he could, trying his best at whatever was being thrown at him and not thinking about the consequences. Soobin dealt with life the exact opposite- his pace was slow and overthinking was the main part of it- he had learned to recognise that now.

"You should try asking him about it," Beomgyu added. "He's an open book once you learn how to read him."

The boys waited only a few more minutes until Yeonjun's blonde head poked out of the bar again. They all held their breaths, waiting for the older to reveal the news.

Once closing the doors behind him, Soobin saw Yeonjun take a deep breath before he turned to them and with a quick pace made his way back. The glimmer in his eyes, the slowly widening smile made Soobin feel like the scene was happening in slow motion, or maybe it was just his mind malfunctioning- eating itself up for wishing to be in the arms of the older. And in a few seconds- he was. Yeonjun close to leapt through the air, smile wide and shining, and landed with both arms around Soobin's neck, embracing him with all of his might. 

Soobin could feel Yeonjun's warm cheek against his, the older's hands at the back of his head, holding him as close as possible. It took him a moment, but Soobin let himself wrap his hands around the other, palms fisted in his jacket, stabilizing the boy standing on his tiptoes in front of him. He let his eyes fall shut.

"Say something!" Beomgyu exclaimed. "What's going on? Did they ask you to come for an interview or something? Hyung!" 

Soobin felt Yeonjun slowly release him, stopping to look the younger in the eyes, noses close to touching, a soundless "thank you" intertwining them. Yeonjun winked, gaze lingering on Soobin's lips before he pulled away, Soobin's hands letting the boy slip out of them. He felt like burning up in flames or dissolving into petals or coming down like rain, or... or... truly passing out this time if he didn't figure out or remember, or re-learn how humans were supposed to breathe or whatever.

"They said they want me to come to their office next week," Yeonjun grinned, and the other two boys grew smiles wider than Soobin had ever seen. 

"So basically you got the spot? Did they give you any details?" Beomgyu was almost flying at the idea, almost making the stars covered by the city lights reappear in the sky just for the older alone. 

"I- yeah- I think I practically got the spot but," Yeonjun laughed, and Soobin was wondering how it was possible to bear both hope and despair in one facial expression, "there's a little issue.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh-oh !!! :D  
> how did you like this chapter? 
> 
> i must admit- enjoy the fun before the storm arrives, the weather report says it will be here in 2 chapters, meaning the next one will be filled with sun but the one after that... you might want to get ready for it!! i know soobinie definitely should :)
> 
> as always follow me on twt if u wanna become friends @/yoonkiboonki  
> kudos and comments welcomed


	10. he should have worn a crown of thorns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..... im just gonna stay quiet
> 
> it does get heavy at the end so please be aware

Some days were fine, some Soobin felt as if the branch he was sitting on was about to crack, the impact, without mercy, sending him flying downwards against the ground. That would be a magnificent fall. One he wasn't so sure he would be able to get up from- a puddle, a mush, a mess of a person three times he already was.

More often than not, he found himself looking back at the past, the events one by one leading to his former wrecking-ball moment. Itching on the photographs stored in his mind - sepia coloured ones with burned edges. The ones he never asked to keep, yet had been the one behind their making in the first place.

On the other side of the spectrum,- physical world rather than the mental- Yeonjun had denied Soobin's help, said he wanted to figure out everything on his own, not rely on his friends, especially when it came to money. It was both admirable and unbelievably stupid- that was what Soobin thought. A dream with a price seemed fine, but a dream, being handed to you so sweetly but with a price so high it became out of reach was plain cruel.

Needless to say, regrets never made themselves, appearing from thin air. That was the worst part- people created them with their own decisions and actions.

Had Yeonjun not quit his job, he might have had a chance, but at this rate, Soobin could notice the distress hidden in the boy's eyes he didn't easily let anyone see on the outside. 

During the week after the concert, Yeonjun had taken up the first two jobs he could get his hands on, one at a club- night shifts-, another at a coffee shop. As time went by, the boys had grown seemingly closer, which meant that some nights the older would spend at Soobin's place, cuddling Leia in his sleep, as the puppy was still owner-less. She was their small baby for the time being, though, and had grown accustomed by it. Soobin thought they were all dreading the day their paths would separate.

They were all tired, easily so, but being next to each other helped. Two(three?) against the world. Even Soobin had learned to slightly control the waterfalls of awkwardness and stress that washed him over while being around the blonde. Not fully yet, but it was a work in process.

The thing was, Yeonjun had got the spot- the people at the label loving his voice, stage persona and the burning passion the boy carried inside of his soul for his art. The opportunity was this- at the start of September he would join their group, they would put him in a fancy private school for music production. Then, after a while, he would become a full time employee working with idols, the creative team behind the country's most leading entertainment department. The catch, however, was that the school cost shit. The label would pay half. Yeonjun didn't have the other half. Soobin was losing his mind.

"You don't have to worry about me that much, Soobinie," Yeonjun said, as they watched a tv show on Soobin's laptop, shoulder-close to one another in bed. It was one of those hellishly pleasant evenings when Yeonjun didn't have to work at night, and he'd spend his free time with the latter. "Your exams are approaching, you should be focusing on them."

"They're still a month away, and I know I'll do fine, it doesn't matter, hyung," Soobin said as he paused the show. He had, no,  _ they _ had grown soft for each other, and Soobin was continuously being dusted with peachy pink around the blonde. Pink fingertips, pink cheeks, pink flashing in his field of vision. "I just need you to know that I've got your back, you know? If- uh- if you need anything more just tell me, I want to try my best."

Yeonjun moved the laptop away and shut it closed, turning to face the younger. "What did I ever do to deserve you," he whispered with a faint nose scrunch.

Soobin could only shake his head, because, no, it was clearly the other way around. As much as he wanted, he could never find more ways to give back to the older. Yeonjun was continuously dealing with, winning over the younger's negative self-talk, inspiring him to see the world as a space for creation rather than a cage. 

Letting Yeonjun spend the nights at his apartment when it was more convenient for him, taking care of Leia wasn't close to enough- he enjoyed doing these things, they gave him pleasure, he would have done them either way. Plus, ever since Soobin felt himself open up more and more, letting his rotten insides slowly come back to life, and feeling another's breath sleeping beside him at night, his insomnia and nightmares had decreased their intensity. 

Once Yeonjun had learned that the terrors Soobin's dreams brought to him were reoccurring, the boy made sure to assist in helping the younger in any way he possibly could. For Soobin's embarrassment but at the same time liking, Yeonjun had quickly figured out the reason behind the children's cassettes placed all around the boy's apartment. There had been nights when the older even read the stories out loud to him, lulling him to sleep with his voice- like anaesthesia bringing Soobin to soundless peace. 

"I- I could say the same to you, hyung," he shyly admitted, and Yeonjun's smile doubled as he went to push Soobin back into the soft pillows behind him until the younger was under him, his hands on Soobin's shoulders pinning him down. 

Ever since that fateful night where Yeonjun had nearly flown into his arms, they had become closer. The blonde would hug him as a greeting, and Soobin would flush with excitement each time. He had a suspicion the older new why. An unsettling gut feeling that Yeonjun knew what he was doing to him each time he made their hands oh-so-accidentally touch or when Soobin woke up with the older's legs tangled with his under the floral bedsheets. Yeonjun never made any big moves, and Soobin guessed he was just as anxious as him about the course of their friendship.

While looking at the blonde from below him, Soobin could see Yeonjun's chest slowly rising and falling, see the older gulp at the situation he had just caused, biting his lower lip and contemplating his next move. With Yeonjuns hands unmoving from his body, Soobin felt like flying to the Moon and never coming back, his brain sending tingles down his spine. He held his breath, and then a moment later, the older was straddling his hips, each leg on each side of Soobin's frame. Light. Yeonjun was a feather, and Soobin was made out of stone, unmoving, heavy.

Yeonjun stopped to gaze fondly at him for a while, soft and a little frightened, eyes opened wider than usual. Then, he placed both of his palms on Soobin's hips, sliding his fingertips slowly up to his face- exploring, caressing the younger's fabric-covered skin. A pathway leading over Soobin's reddened features. When his palms finally reached the younger's cheeks, Yeonjun let his body come lower, pressing their chests together, lying fully on top of the boy. And, oh god, were their hearts beating. Not only Soobin's untouched, forgotten one but the blonde's too- drumming against the older's ribs, asking to merge in an explosion, was already halfway done with it. 

Soobin didn't know what to do with his hands. He didn't know what to do with both of their heartbeats going a hundred miles per hour. Didn't know what to do with Yeonjun's face a breath away from his, the older's fingers now in his hair- playfully pulling, twisting the strands as they looked at each other. 

"You're so good to me, do you know that?" Yeonjun said, voice low. A secret. The older's eyes made it seem as if it was a pity, an unwelcomed accident between the two now taking charge of their lives, and maybe it was. A drug-induced state of euphoria, only their surroundings weren't suddenly fluffy, weren't brighter than ever (even though Soobin could swear he could talk fluent bird-chatter at this very moment and make the spring flowers bloom with a touch of his fingers). This moment was clear, evidently so. It was real. Soobin couldn't believe it was real.

He gritted his teeth. He was staring at Yeonjun's lips. He couldn't stop staring at his goddamned lips.

"Can I ask you something?" the older whispered, and Soobin nodded, eyes darting back and forth across the blondes face. 

"How would you feel if I were to kiss you right now?"

"I- I would melt away." Soobin breathed, honest. "I- I would bloom like flowers in spring," he was talking nonsense, not knowing how to explain it to the latter that he might have just experienced the first seasonal change in his life. It was sunny now after years of dark autumn evenings.

Yeonjun smiled tiredly, brushing his nose against the younger's, amused by his poetic response, "Then let us bloom together, alright?" 

And with that, the blonde greeted Soobin's lips with his own, letting the feelings guide their flow of motion. Behind closed eyelids, Soobin was embraced by colours he'd never met before, senses overpowering his thoughts, guiding him to a new reality of yearning. Of wanting even more of Yeonjun against him. 

He felt Yeonjun smile amid their kiss before Soobin was suddenly pulled upwards by his shirt and rolled over the older, their positions switching. Now Soobin was the one hovering over the blonde, his elbows on each side of the blonde's face keeping him trapped, both of them feeling brave, seeing that the other didn't want to back down or run away.

"You're so cute, Soobin," Yeonjun weakly laughed and connected their lips once again, this time turning his head slightly to the right. The latter ran his hands up and down Soobin's back in a calming manner, letting his fingers slip under the younger's shirt- testing the waters.

Soobin let his lips travel to Yeonjun's cheeks, his jaw, neck, indulging, drinking the latter up with care. "I-," he paused at the boy's collarbones, not believing he finally got to live to see this day. "Yeonjun hyung, I have to tell you something," he was stuttering, and Yeonjun hummed in question, still drawing circles on Soobin's back. The boy sighed, pressing his forehead against the latter's shoulder not being able to look up in such an embarrassing moment, "I- I like you," he revealed shily, "a lot." Soobin let the words slip like there was no tomorrow, like yesterday and today and the days after that were gathered, compressed in this silly little moment which the boy thought he'd waited for his whole life. Still, unsure. "I've liked you for a while now."

Yeonjun giggled, eyes turning into crescents, and Soobin knew he had finally wholeheartedly felt the spring, too. He cupped Soobin's face, bringing the boy back to look at him, "Yeah, me too, sweetheart," another quick peck encouraging the timid being the younger was, "me too."

"I'm so glad I met you." 

"I feel the same."

Everything seemed to be spilling out with no intention of stopping as they explored each other up close, gentle touches making their way across ignited skin. Soobin went to lie on his side, wrapping his arms around the older's waist, pulling him closer.

"I'm sorry that I kept rejecting you at first," Soobin said, voice muffled against Yeonjun's neck.

Yeonjun shook his head and kissed the top of the younger's forehead, both of them not getting enough of each other. "There is nothing you should apologise for."

"Still, I wish I could be better for you, more useful."

"Soobin," Younjun raised the boy's chin, lifting it to meet his eyes. "Never say that. I don't need you to help me, and you don't need me to help you. But I like having you around, and it gives me strength, okay? Do you feel the same?"

"I do," he admitted.

Ah, it felt as if the light had finally found them on that day.

It was surprising how, ever since they both had confessed, the days passed by tasting like marmalade- making them sticky and sweet, sluggish around each other. Soobin guessed it was the touches, the lingering of fingers on each other's skin, the exchange of energy through wet lips before sleep. 

The rooftop of Soobin's apartment building had slowly become their spot. Nobody could disturb them there, only the noises of crowds moving along the street presented themselves as near, yet far at the same time.

They were sitting in the middle of it, as per usual, bickering about their day. Yeonjun was wearing those unwelcomed dark circles under his eyes from being overworked once again, and Soobin was trying his best not to think about it too much. 

"Leia's owner contacted me today," Soobin deflated, remembering the message he had got earlier that day.

Yeonjun didn't seem happy about the news as well, "What did they say?"

"Said they only recently found out the puppy was missing. Apparently, the owner had left Leia with a doggy sitter while on a business trip, but this sitter had lost her and was too scared to tell them until recently."

"What the hell? I'd be furious," Yeonjun furrowed his eyebrows at that.

"The woman seemed relieved Leia was alright. I sent her some extra pictures today. She said she's coming home in a week and a half."

"A goodbye party?" the older asked, but the excitement was nonexistent, none of them wanting to let the puppy go.

"Are grieving parties a thing?" Soobin whispered, and Yeonjun exhaled, caressing the younger's shoulder trying to comfort him.

It was almost a summery evening- both of them skipped wearing jackets- and now were freely enjoying the warm wind in their t-shirts. During the past days, Soobin had attended more of the in-person lectures and even cut his overgrown hair, hearing praise from his mother the moment they'd FaceTimed, and she got to see the new hairstyle. Not that it meant anything to him, to be honest, it made him saddened. Good grades, good looks, good impressions- that was what mattered to her. 

Soobin sighed. 

"Hyung," he faintly started, remembering the night of the concert, "Beomgyu mentioned you've had past relationships, I- I'm not calling this a one," he choked, suddenly flushed, "but still, I'd like to know more." 

Yeonjun didn't look back at him, expression unchanging. "Do you wanna hear a little story, Soobin?" The older asked, spreading his legs straight in front of him, letting the rest of his body hit the rooftop flooring.

"Yes," Soobin close to whispered back.

Yeonjun cleared his throat, "There was this guy, ahh, what was his name? Choi Yeonjun, if I remember correctly. Cool guy," he flashed Soobin a smile, and the younger rolled his eyes. "But this Yeonjun, he was in quite a few relationships during his teen years and early twenties, though they were never beneficial for him, at least in a very positive way."

There was a stain left from past hurt on the blonde's face, and Soobin was already wishing to clear it off, not wanting to see the boy in pain. "You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to," he looked down at the older, brushing Yeonjun's cheek softly with his fingertips. 

Yeonjun seemed to ignore Soobin's words, carrying on with his story, yet the younger could feel the tension dissolve a tiny bit, Yeonjun relaxing.

"These relationships were designed to distract him, not water the seeds of his personal growth. Distract from the world, from his mind, forever racing with thoughts- how do I prove my parents that music is my calling, how do I make them believe that I can do it, where do I even start? As you may already know, his parents' love was a cage, holding him hostage, trying to shift him into someone he wasn't, not a stolen breath of fresh air allowed."

The sky above them was blank, swallowing every word that Yeonjun spoke, claiming them. Even so, they were still in their own world, unbothered.

"So he tried loving strangers, tried loving girls his age, but they didn't taste sweet to him, they tasted like too much thyme sprinkled on a five-star meal. Sour. Not right. Then he tasted boys, and boys tasted him back, and for a while he thought they melted on his tongue like cotton candy clouds, bringing the daylight, but then he learned that the truth hid somewhere else." Yeonjun exhaled, meeting Soobin's gaze and the younger felt his muscles freeze. 

"Noone tasted sweet. They just took the ache away, filled the holes in his heart that his parents left. Numbing- that's the right word. And he stuck with it, gave it his all, loved as much as he half-heartedly could, loved recklessly, loved the broken reflection he saw in the boys standing in front of him, hunched down, kissing his neck." 

Soobin felt sick.

"Loved anyone who, without knowing, was ready to fit in those gaps, the missing pieces. Not even losing himself in the synthetic feeling of being unwholly in love with someone and being loved back, but rather the idea of receiving the love that he had been left out of as a child. A recipe for disaster that he later learned."

"How is he now?" Soobin dared, and Yeonjun smiled.

"He's pretty good, there are still some things he needs to figure out, but he has learned, you know? He has, in a way, calmed down."

"Calmed down?"

"Often, there are emotions inside of us that are raging for attention. They make us do funny things, react in funny ways." He lifted one of his hands, asking for Soobin to hold it, intervening their fingers. "Most of the time we are not aware of them, ignore them, that's when they get louder. But like every noise, every type of pain, every feeling- you get used to it all, and it blurs into everyday life. Doesn't disappear, just lives inside of you like a parasite."

Soobin understood that, the feelings of reconciliation way too familiar to him.

Yeonjun took a deep breath, "Yet all it wants is for you to give it your attention. Once you do, once you allow yourself to see that you're hurting yourself, you're lonely, sad, that's when you start to set yourself free," Yeonjun pressed their hands tighter together, "I acknowledged these demons inside of me, so now they're calmer."

"What if,-" Soobin let go of the older's hand, pulling his knees closer to himself, "What if the issue isn't admitting them to yourself but the people around you? What if someone's demons are too ugly, too violent to share with others and would scare them away?"

"There's nothing heavier than bearing secrets, carrying the weight of pain on your own," the older replied.

"There's nothing heavier than being seen as a monster when they are let free into the world."

Yeonjun seemed to think about that, the silence filling the air between them. "Maybe you're right," he finally said. "It's frightening, yet... sometimes we can never predict the ending, we just have to live it through."

"And if it goes wrong?"

"Nothing ever goes wrong, at least that's how I see things. Stuff can get easier or more difficult, it can change, but it's always about how you deal with it in the end. If you're not forgiven or understood, not seen for how you truly are, then maybe the person just wasn't the right one to see it." The older sat right back up, dusting the tiny bits of dirt stuck on to his shoulders from the rooftop flooring. "But maybe don't take it from me," he added in a whisper, thickening the night. 

"What about you, though? You've ever been in a relationship before, Soobinie?" the older teased.

Soobin groaned and stood up straight, stretching his back and arms, reaching out to help the latter up to his feet, too. "Let's not talk about that," the memories of his ex-girlfriend after what Kai had told him now were too perplexing. 

Yeonjun raised an eyebrow at the latter, but Soobin ignored it, scratching at the back of his neck, "We should head in, it's getting late."

"We'll get back to this talk one day," Yeonjun smirked before they headed inside.

\-----

But maybe Soobin was a bigger fool than he thought himself to be. Even after being careful, not letting the freefall happen as sudden as it had dared to- his mind had still been captured by the oblivion that hope gave a boy in his headspace. Plain stupid- what's what he has been from start to finish.

For the past months, he had been allowed to see a different life- emphasis on "see". It was never his though, and it only took a little while before the unreachable wish to have it for himself came back to bite him. In the end, he had never been given a choice- yet the delusions overpowered him, and he trusted them, himself way too much while observing, imagining the possibility of it existing for him as well. 

It started at around midday, when the sun had yet to know its fall, shining in the highest point of the blue globe above. Soobin had gone to another lesson provided by a physical being, a teacher in flesh and bone rather than zeros and ones- cyberspace codes which he cherished way more. He was making his way back home, wondering if Leia was waiting for him, wondering if he should grab some food on the way there.

The day had been fine, it all had been fine, and maybe- maybe it would have been fine afterwards, as well, if only he hadn't turned around after hearing his name called in the distance. 

"Soob," Ryujin shouted, and he without hesitation turned to face her. 

She was wearing a pair of flowy fabric pants styled with a dark blue tank top, smile reflecting brighter than any gem. She looked beautiful, and Soobin let his heart swell with longing until he saw the boys around her. The boys from his old school that made his heart drop in the pit of his stomach. 

She ran up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck, "I'm so glad I noticed you," she beamed. Had she forgotten their talk a few months ago? Soobin was sure she hadn't, but Ryujin had the same electricity coursing through her that Yeonjun did. The way they utilised it was different though- Yeonjun used it to wake up the shadows of the night, Ryujin struck them deeper into sleep. Both unstoppable once moved. 

"Come with us, gosh, it will be so much fun," she said, and the boys behind her waved at him as if the last time they had raised their hands for him weren't to push the boy down onto the ground. They seemed pleased to see him, relaxed expressions as if this wasn't a big deal. It took Soobin by surprise. Were they not mad at him anymore?

Even after their last talk, Soobin had still wondered if there was a way to fix his and Ryujin's relationship. They shared a bruised past and each other's secrets that came along with it, and, even after everything, it still meant something to Soobin. It was enough to make him look with fondness at the girl dangling from his neck. She had flaws, he was aware of that, but that was her family's doing not her's. Soobin just wanted her to be happy, to be free.

Ryujin untied herself from Soobin's neck and took his hand in her's. "For the good old times?" her eyes were buttons, and Soobin was apparently missing a few, cause he really wanted to say yes. 

He bit the inside of his cheek, "What are you up to?"

"Just hanging out, wanted to grab some food. You're free, right? Join us, Soobie," the girl whined, swinging their hands in-between them. "If we start boring you, you can just leave," she pouted. 

"I- I could go for some Chinese food," he admitted. Soobin was a weak man, Soobin was also too hopeful, thinking perhaps his sins have been forgiven.

Ryujin's face lit up once again as she immediately started dragging him towards the others. 

In a way, it felt quite nice, being surrounded by them. There was no way in hell Soobin could deny missing the girl, lie that he didn't enjoy her fingers now linked with his as they walked the streets. Jeong-hoon, the oldest of their group, the one who had gathered them like lost kittens one by one back in the day, insisted they grab takeout and find a nice spot further away by the river, which they did.

"So what have you been up to, Soob?" The boy asked, hand reaching to pat him on the knee once they found a nice spot where they could form a circle on the ground. 

The background was quite cheerful, as the place they had picked was popular amongst couples. There were children running around, younger teens bumping their heads together in distress over the upcoming exams- glitter pens and thick notebooks surrounding them from all sides.

There were five of them, Soobin had never been very close to the other boys, but they weren't unfamiliar, all of them had spent quite a large amount of time together being mischievous. They were the type of people to be acquainted with the night, fit right in with it. Twirled the moon between their fingers for fun. That was what had bonded them, pulled them all together in this group of friends and kept it at that.

Soobin shrugged, eyeing the older boy, "Online school."

Ryujin was snuggling against his side, opening the tiny cardboard box her noodles hid in. "Nerd," she giggled, playfully poking him with her chopsticks.

Jeong-hoon shook his head in disbelief, "Still keeping up with the good boy status quo?" 

Soobin had always thought the boy could be described as someone who'd rather burn down a city for reputation than build one. He was the type of person to step on snails along the road after a heavier rainfall- not flinching at the crunch. In a way, Soobin had always admired the strength, confidence and power the boy carried like armour, in a way, he had always simultaneously been afraid of it.

But in regards to the older's question... was he? Soobin didn't know, so he didn't answer. 

"My dad wants me to follow his steps, wants the school to be our legacy given down to generations. He thinks it's an honour," the boy gestured with his arms. "You know what I think? I think that's bullshit," he exclaimed, and the two other boys in the circle chuckled. 

"Sell the building once you get it," one of them suggested, and the older disagreed saying how he didn't want to end up being mysteriously gone from the world, the moment his family found out.

"What about you?" Soobin asked the girl still resting against his shoulder. "What are your plans for the future?"

Ryujin looked at him and flashed a smile after stuffing her mouth with food, "Gonna get rich, what else? You got some big plans?" the spoken words harsh, almost mocking Soobin. "Don't get ahead of yourself."

A strange sensation arose within him, and it made him feel small and vulnerable, made him feel as if his skin was suddenly too tight and his nose too crooked, his breathing too loud. Out of place.

"By the way," one of the boys spoke up, directing his words at Soobin. "Saw you at the bar a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure if it really was you at first, but now I'm quite certain," he laughed. "Can't believe you've got yourself a boyfriend."

Soobin was suddenly crumbling into dust by hearing that, but the world kept turning.

"A boyfriend?!" Ryujin almost spat her drink out. "Nah, don't make me laugh, I almost choked, you idiot!" The girl wiped her lips and leaned away from Soobin to kick the other boy in the shin.

The world was spinning in fact, and Soobin averted his gaze, trying to ignore it. "He's not my boyfriend." They hadn't had that conversation with Yeonjun yet. He didn't know what they were, Soobin just knew that whatever it was- it felt nice.

Ryujin returned to slurping her drink, "You see? Sometimes I think I'm the only one with a working brain here."

"You did defend him, though. Heard the whole scene."

Soobin wanted to agree, say that he, in fact, did stand up for his friends, but he was interrupted before he could get the words out. 

"You can't be right, we all know Soobin. Some things simply never change, and one of them is Soobin," Jeong-hoon laughed. "He's always been quiet, just look at him now."

Ryujin joined him in agreement, "It's kind-of calming though, isn't it? This world could be breaking in halves, we could have flying cars, shit, flying people even, yet Soobin would be just Soobin."

Hearing that didn't feel nice, however, the boy couldn't disagree. Now that he thought about it, there truly wasn't a lot that had changed, wasn't there? Soobin had allegedly started opening up, yet here he was- lips sealed not being able to slip a word out. It was quite pathetic, wasn't it? He tried smiling politely, as if in on the joke, but it came out strained and made his guts twist. He wasn't hungry anymore.

"Plus, a boyfriend? Really?" the other boy whose name had slipped from Soobin's mind added. "The only other person we ever saw him hang out with excluding us was that Kai kid from our school," he cracked up, and Ryujin reached out to pet Soobin's head. 

"Our baby is too complicated for other people, isn't he?" the girl exhaled, brushing a few strands away from his face and behind his ear.

Was he? Soobin had been sure about it a few months ago, could have sworn it was the truth with a hand over his heart. Why had he mysteriously forgotten about it now? He was half lying to Yeonjun about who he was, was too scared to show the older his past, cause he knew the moment the boy found out, he'd be gone- disgusted, unable to forgive him just like Soobin was still unable to forgive himself. He was playing Yeonjun, and the blonde didn't deserve it. Soobin had become lost in the fantasy that he had a chance at a normal life. What a fool.

"We should tell Soobin about the other day," Jeong-hoon started, and Ryujin nearly threw her hands in the air. 

"It was so funny! I can't believe you guys did it," she snorted. "Definitely one of your best performances. I wish I had filmed it."

"I'm not sure the guest here would appreciate our efforts," one of the two boys made a quick side-glance to Soobin. "We all know how he can get all worked up about every insignificant thing."

"Oh come on, just tell him or I will," the girl huffed. "I know deep down he thinks this stuff is ecstatic."

"Okay, okay," the boy said, placing the box of food he had been holding up to his face down on the ground to start the story. "Remember that Kim girl with the glasses and the weird smile? She tried talking back to us one day, started calling hyung names, so we followed her home after school," he laughed. "Spray painted her front door with messages of love."

Ryujin threw her head back at that, "Yeah, so much love she didn't come to school for a week. Bet she was afraid. The best part is that there's more," she nudged the boy to keep talking.

"Right," he continued, "while she was gone Ryujin got into her locker and found some really funny stuff," the boy was about to tell the rest, but Soobin with a choked-up voice interrupted him.

"Don't," he managed to say with his fingers trembling. He could already imagine the rest of the story anyway.

"Huh?" Ryujin snapped her head to look at him.

"Told ya," the boy grinned. "Soobin is still Soobin sadly."

Jeong-hoon let out a sigh at that. "What is it, Soobin?" Soobin gulped and started packing his food away unblinking, way too many thoughts and memories coming back to life in front of his eyes. "Where do you think you're going? Just came here to judge us like that?" the older hadn't raised his voice, but loathing was freely sweeping off of his tongue, piercing the poor boy's soul. 

Soobin zipped his backpack shut and stood up. He needed to get out of there. He overlooked the circle one more time before slightly bowing his head and facing the other direction. He still managed to catch the disappointed look on Ryujin's face.

"So it's true? You think you're better than us?" Jeong-hoon spat the moment Soobin turned around. The boy could hear the older standing up, could feel his hand fisted at the back of his shirt now. 

"You know what I think," the boy whispered, suddenly feeling tired, ninety-eight years old tired- of life tired.

"Ryujin told us everything about your little talk a few months ago."

Soobin took a sharp breath, turning once more to face the group, to ask his hyung to let him go. He had never thought he was better than them, truth be told, he was probably the worst of them all.

What followed that was the sound of Ryujin's surprised gasp, the girl covering her face in shock. There was a sharp, stinging pain making its appearance on Soobin's face, white tinting his vision for a couple of seconds before he found himself on the ground. 

"You're a fucking idiot, you can't do that here," Soobin heard the girl's voice filled with anger and what he thought was her pulling Jeong-hoon away- a shuffling of feet and his shirt free of the boy's hold the evidence.

Soobin pressed his palm against his nose feeling blood pooling from it over his upper lip. The older had punched him in a public area filled with bypassers, whole families, but somehow Soobin felt like he deserved it- the pain, the humiliation. In a matter of seconds, a presence smaller than his pressed a handful of tissues against his burning face and pulled him up to his feet.

"Leave," Ryujin pushed him forward with nothing but disappointment in her voice. "Fucking leave," and Soobin let his weak legs take him home nearly running half the way there.

There had been multiple times in the past where Ryujin had taken the boy's hand in hers- on the playground with the double swings- and had told him that they were made out of starlight. Born between the dark but made to shine on their own, that they didn't need anyone and that she'd take him to the top of the world. It would have been a lonely life, but still, a life where it all would have made sense in the end. Nothing made sense to Soobin anymore though, and the boy was left with the belief that Yeonjun had been right- life never got worse, but it never got better either, it only became different- and he had been living a lie this whole time. 

Soobin wished he could dissolve, wished he could bleed and bleed, and bleed until there was no Choi Soobin left- just a puddle of red somewhere slowly flowing into one of the drains in the city of Seoul.

All he wanted to do was lay on the floor of his god forgotten bedroom, cover the mirrors in his apartment with a black cloth just so he didn't accidentally share a gaze with the hideous reflection of himself. Choi Soobin was hideous, had always been. He felt as if the void that once had made its home inside of his heart had reopened, sucking out all emotion once again. He just wanted to sleep. Wanted to cover himself in blankets, wanted to keep his mouth shut for the rest of his life. It was better that way anyway because all that ever came out of it were either half-assed truths or unnecessary whines. 

Even with the older, he had still been alone, being suffocated by his past to the point of silence. Half the being he truly was- making the blonde alone, as well,- their relationship based on nothing but secrets. Yeonjun deserved better than him. Kai deserved better than him. His parents deserved better than him.

He was still passionless, rotting on the inside, scared to leave his house for more than necessary. Ryujin hadn't forgiven him, and neither had he forgiven himself. 

It all had been another trap of the night, and Soobin had blindly fallen right into it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate this chapter as much as u do ~~ :")
> 
> have you figured it all out yet? we are close to the end  
> if there are any errors im so sorry ive been living on 1.5-4 hours of sleep lately, my insomnia loves me dearly   
> follow me on twt if u wanna become friends @yoonkiboonki


	11. interlude

Choi Yeonjun: 

_"Hey, how are you?"_

Choi Yeonjun:

_"Soobin, should I come over?"_

Choi Yeonjun:

_"Soobin, you're scaring me. Please answer when I call."_

Huening:

_"Do you wanna hang out this Friday? Text me when you're free."_

Huening:

_"Yeonjun hyung messaged me. I told him you sometimes get like this and to give you time, but, still, is everything okay?"_

Family chat:

_"Exams are in a bit!! Fighting! Make us proud, sweetie. [press to download picture] we're rooting for you on the beach. <3" _

Choi Yeonjun:

_"Soobin, it's been more than a week, I know you see when I text you. I'm coming over today."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to come out last week a few days before the next full chapter but i was very busy during the last week :((( so the next chapter will come late :(((  
> if ur still up for a read, i did edit the first chapter (not fully YET - just until soob wakes up from the nightmare set in his old school). added more details and just made the text more smooth. if youre a new reader then u probably already read the new version but if uve been here for a while now, i do recommend checking it out.  
> again, sorry for the long wait but im all free again so u guys are my top priority from this moment on :") thank u for reading!!


	12. oh, it was so much fun, dear Yuna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um ... remember all the trigger warnings on the previous chapters? yeah, keep those in mind.   
> im a bit sick so if there are grammar mistakes i missed i AM SORRY

"Do you know how it feels to drown?"

"Yes, when I was five, I almost did. I was with my family's friends, and their kids knew how to swim fairly well, but the waves were too big for me. We were in the open sea, and they washed over me, salt filling up my lungs. Drowning is effortless- it feels like falling asleep. I was out for a few minutes before I got pulled out. It happened two times, maybe three- I always forget just like my dreams in the morning. Each time it was kept a secret."

"And what about burning?"

Soobin tilted his head to the right, mulling over the answer in his mind. "Yes."

"Hm?"

"Haven't you ever wanted or hoped for something you couldn't reach so bad it set you up in flames? It feels like begging on raw knees on a stone floor, hands brought in a praying manner up to your chest, but the holy light isn't there, nothing is shining on you. You're a cole."

The blue shadow nodded. "But what about love? Did you ever fall in love?"

Soobin picked at the skin around his fingers, tearing a strip off, yet no blood dripped out. He kept scratching at the pink flesh beneath it, "No, I don't think so."

"No?" the shadow tapped its fingers on its knee, sounding bored. "Why?"

"I never stuck around enough to care."

"That's a funny thing to say."

"It's the classic way to live."

The shadow let out an airy laugh, "But you are aware of it, so why didn't you stick around?"

They were facing each other, the shadow's legs crossed one over the other as it stared out of the window, at the hardly recognisable trees outside- they were moving fast. Soobin's suitcase by his side was rattling from the drive. It was a cold night, even the stars sought comfort somewhere far away, not a single trace of them in the sky. The train they were sitting on was almost completely stranded, leaving them in solitude. 

"Excuse me," a careful woman's voice appeared by their sides. "Would you be interested in a blanket to keep you warm? The blizzard outside is only going to intensity, and we are trying our best to keep our passengers warm and happy."

"Oh," Soobin looked up, "alright." He reached out to take the burgundy blanket the woman was handing out to him. "How long till the last platform?" he asked.

"Shouldn't be too long," The woman smiled politely and swiftly returned to her duties.

Soobin spread open the soft fleece and wrapped himself up with it, the material heating him momentarily. The blanket had embroidery of white daffodils scattered in uneven patterns, adding to the carefree ease. He sighed, resting his head against the back of his seat. It has been snowing for what felt like an eternity, the flakes coming down in clusters.

"Where are you planning on going afterwards?" the shadow spoke again.

Soobin shrugged, not changing position, "I don't know yet."

"Should probably figure it out before we arrive."

That was the last time he spoke with it before dozing off, the train lulling his eyes shut and lips slightly agape. In his dreams, Soobin saw mountains higher than man-made buildings and meadows buzzing with life, lakes stuffed with mysteries and unstopping rivers. Soobin saw peace. 

When he woke up all the lights were out, and Soobin was surrounded by stillness- hyperaware. The type that gives the air a voice, a figure, a morbid attraction to the one feeling it. Soobin rubbed his eyes and discreetly took a look around, seeing if he could catch it trying to pry on to him.

It seemed that the train had come to a halt, the obvious moving forward now gone. He wondered if it had arrived, and everyone got off without him, yet that didn't seem to be the case. The tips of his fingers were frozen blue, so, when getting up, he took the blanket with him, making a cocoon out of himself, shivering.

Soobin softly called out, tried checking the space around, whispering for answers even under the old leather seats, but nothing. Silence. The only noise coming from the snow's tapping rhythm. The storm outside was only gaining momentum- ice hitting the windows with force, covering the glass with a thick layer.

It was dead in the night, that much he figured. Soobin plopped down on one of the empty seats, worry settling into the pit of his stomach. He tried checking his phone for a signal, but once pulling the device out of his back pocket, the boy saw a cracked, black screen. Soobin let out a deep breath. Great. 

From where he sat, it appeared that something was sizzling in the air- static clouds made up of microscopic bits gathering in between the walls of the train. Dancing, swirling in circles- hastily, calculated, changing hues. If he had been braver, Soobin would have merged with them, taking the moving particles by hand and twirling with them. But he wasn't, so he didn't. Beautiful in a way, the boy mesmerised by such oddity for more than a couple of heartbeats, but suspicious nonetheless. 

In a flash, he was struck with a sense of knowing. Soobin hurriedly got up and ran to the exit located at the end of the carriage, and what awaited him was indeed what he had thought. Straining his muscles by opening the mechanical doors by force, he saw the next wagon evidently gone off the rails and tipped to one side. Without thinking, he jumped out and ran further to examine the scene from a new angle, the snow hitting his face, filling his shoes. 

Soobin looked up to notice wires hanging over his head, over the metallic rooftops. Shit. The dancing clouds inside were electricity. Shit. Shit. The train had run off the tracks and into the electricity poles positioned next to them.

The boy let out a panicked cry for help, hoping for a response, but none came. The snow against his face felt like cutting him up, slicing his skin again and again. He had left his suitcase back inside. Shit.

Throwing the blanket over his head, with great strength Soobin waded through the floor of white, which was starting to reach his knees. He could hear the static better this time, the dancing, the celebration of freedom they emitted a dreadful sight now. Inside the wagon, Soobin dropped the blanket and crawled against the floor, hoping the wetness of his clothing didn't charm death to come his way. 

He grabbed the heavy suitcase and crawled back out, cheeks stinging from the cold, fingers trembling. Taking a breath hurt, sawed against his tracheal, making the boy caught up and spit out mucus. 

Beyond him, further away lay a forest. It wasn't like he had a choice. Staying inside the train was dangerous, it could practically be set in flames any minute now while waiting outside in the open blizzard seemed like a mad man's decision. 

By the time Soobin had made his way to reach the first trees, pulling the suitcase behind him, tossing it through the snow- groaning from its weight- he was drenched and freezing from head to toe. Shoes filled with cold water, his hair covered in ice. Soobin couldn't feel his face, couldn't feel his fingers. Was afraid that if he bent them, they'd break off, crack along the veins running down his arm. A porcelain doll, skin turning pale.

The boy was shaking once he found a decent branch to sit under, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging himself for warmth. It was no use, the more he pressed closer to himself, the colder the fabric felt against his body. It was despair that started settling deep into him, a deep fear that there might not be a tomorrow waiting for him. The blizzard was nowhere close to calming down, and the train had crashed in the middle of nowhere, only a forest surrounding it. 

He gathered his final will to open up the suitcase, hoping to find something that just wasn't wet and cold, and would let him live for a bit longer, god dammit. This wasn't fair! He didn't deserve to die like this! Soobin's fingers were trembling and barely functional the moment he managed to pull the suitcase open. 

Inside was a pile of rocks. Gray, oval rocks. 

No sweaters, no hats, no blankets, no mittens, not even a fucking shirt. Not a pair of pants, a napkin for the snot dripping down over his lips- nothing. 

The boy clutched his hair, nails digging into his scalp. There was no way out, was there? Soobin felt an uneven laugh unravelling beneath his tongue and escaping into the silence of the woods. He couldn't believe this was happening. He picked up one of the rocks and threw it further away, the stone hitting a tree with a loud thump. 

At the exact moment, Soobin fell to his knees in agony- body suddenly burning up with a fever and blood painting him crimson. Soobin clasped both of his palms to his chest where now a wide hole was born. He snapped his head back up from the blood- dizzy- to see the stone he had thrown taken the shape of his own heart. 

Out of breath and bleeding out into the snow, he took a hold of two more rocks and with all of his might forced them to collide with the same tree as before. The world went black, and Soobin fell to the ground, face forward into the white coldness. What felt like an hour was only a minute- the ache in his chest making him pass out. How had he gotten himself here? All he ever wanted was to go... 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


where? 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Where had Soobin been going? What had been his destination? Had there even been one?

On his stomach, he crawled, dragging himself to the same rocks he threw, leaving a trail of red behind him. Half of his body had gone numb, but if this was the last thing he was to do, then so be it. 

Soobin collected the three rocks, his three beautiful hearts and hugged them to his chest in a foetus position. This was how he was going to fade away- with himself-whole-intact. 

\-----

There are different types of sicknesses. There are the ones that live in cells- chewing on the matter that creates the doomed to destruction carcass which humans are constructed of. The painful kind. They turn skin purple with rashes, yellow nails and dull the eyes. A fleeting of this world, a smack of reality against the head screaming that life most definitely is too short and that people are never grateful enough. A lesson. A conclusion. These illnesses bring tears to water lines and flowers to sterile hospital wards. Destructive forgiveness and a whole lot of regret. 

Those are the type of sicknesses all living creatures fear.

Some sicknesses live in the mind. They are known to carefully craft the world based on flaws, deceive people for who they truly are. These illnesses like to play games, like to inhabit the way we hold knives when cutting bread, the way we look over balcony edges or smile with emptiness when the whole world around us prospers with colour while we dim. 

Those are the type of sicknesses everyone pretends they don't know, are (wrongly-so shameful) of.

There is a moment before the dusk settles in, where thoughts start to become foggy, where tongues slip loose with honesty and the stiff expressions to the left and right shift into a different state. Exhaustion. A sickness of the soul then breaks through- mercilessly. 

No, it doesn't come from genes or trauma, emotional pain braided into silence and tossed behind the back of scalps with a bowtie as a good-luck charm. It brings itself to life when the mattress we sleep on feels too solid, and when the ones who promised to love us leave us hanging by a thread over and over again. When the morning comes late, and dinner tastes mild. When clothes don't fit, and conversations simply waste our time. Some sicknesses can't be cured by medicine, because they don't live inside of us. You see, pills can't cure a shitty life. 

So when the twilight hours overlay the ground and desperation settled in, we are prone to selling our souls to the devil. At least, that was what Soobin had done. A runaway strategy that only made the things the boy was running from catch up to him faster than ever, with a mightier force. 

That's the type of sickness we make our own. Gift it with our name- that's the person I am, this is what my life is. 

When Soobin heard three knocks on the door, he didn't want to answer, was outright dreading it. His apartment had become home for chaos, and letting the older see him, this place in such a state made him want to cave in on himself. 

During the time he has been unwilling to step a single foot outside, Soobin had forgotten the taste of the older's lips against his. Or rather he had denied himself the memory. The first days Soobin had been angry at himself for letting the delusions to overpower him, make him believe that now when Yeonjun had woken up under his sheets- been kissed not only by the street light beams sneaking their way into his room but also his own lips- he'd get to keep him. It was a selfish idea. One that makes the boy disgusted with himself.

He wasn't quite sure what made him spiral into these sweet lies, wake up with thoughts of tomorrow, and he didn't dare to take a guess. Soobin knew the right way to act would be to say goodbye to the older and end everything- let the lightning that cursed the boy's blood flow free. That was what he had decided, swore to do, but when Soobin managed to drag his feet to the door and widen it a slight bit, the sight of the blonde's tormented eyes made him ache differently. It was longing he felt.

Yeonjun was wearing a light t-shirt tucked in a pair of blue jeans. Oh, it was about to be summer, wasn't it? The older's roots were grown out a little bit, black hair presenting itself at the very top of his head. He was flushed and breathing heavy, and Soobin guessed if it was from running up the stairs. 

For a second relief washed over Yeonjun, lips parting and shoulders relaxing, but the feeling was substituted with worry the moment their eyes fully met.

"Soobin," the boy didn't dare to raise his voice. He reached out to push the door slightly more ajar, but Soobin placed his foot against it, not letting the latter walk in. 

"Sorry for not answering, I- I didn't want to trouble you." Stupid. He felt stupid. Soobin lowered his gaze to the floor.

Yeonjun tried pushing the door again, leaving his palm to rest against the facet. "Can I come in?" There was a tinge of heartache in his voice, eyes still wide, taking the tiny glimpses of the younger's face through the opening. He looked small like that, vulnerable.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Soobin, ignoring people who try to help you is also not a good idea," he coughed, and Soobin bit the inside of his cheek. Yeonjun was upset, and it was his fault. 

"Sorry," the older furrowed his forehead, pushing a strand of hair behind his ear. "Sorry, I- I didn't mean to sound so-,"

"Yeah," Soobin nodded. He understood. 

"Yeah," a whisper, and then another. "Can you let me in?"

It took a few draws of breath, but Soobin placed his foot away, letting the latter open the door completely and take in the scene behind him.

It was dark- the midday sun locked out of Soobin's apartment. A cave filled with silence except for the few beeps coming from the younger's phone, he had left on his bed, notifying incoming messages. If someone lived here it definitely wasn't Soobin- perhaps a shallow glimpse of who he was supposed to be. Who Yeonjun knew him to be.

Yeonjun took off his shoes, eying the surroundings. "Where's Leia?"

Soobin shrugged. "Gone."

"What do you mean by gone?" 

"Her owner picked her up a few days ago."

Yeonjun seemed to analyse the information, twisting and turning it over and over again in his mind until he raised his head, unpleasant surprise painted all over it. "And you didn't tell me?" The words weren't loud, they didn't have any sting to them, but Soobin still felt them against his bones. 

"Yeah," he whispered once again, defeated.

Yeonjun looked to the side, hurt- reasonably so. "Was her owner happy to see her? Did they seem like a good person?"

Soobin hummed in agreement. In fact, Leia had been so happy she nearly threw herself on to the woman, crying out loud in joy. It had been one of those heavy sights, where Soobin wished he could laugh and smile, yet the joy wasn't his. Ever since the puppy was gone, space had felt more void than before, and he had no reason to leave the house. Leia had been there to hold when the nights got too dark, helping him fall asleep each time the boy's lull had been interrupted. Now, Soobin simply hoped the puppy was being cared for and his nightmares would take lighter forms.

"I wanted to come see you faster," Yeonjun sounded guilty. Soobin felt guilty. 

"I'm fine," he replied standing in between the door frame of his room, blocking the view. "I keep making the wrong decisions, not you."

It was odd seeing Yeonjun this way. Soobin was used to witty replies and philosophical discussions. Now, when he took a glance in Yeonjun's direction, he was sure that the blonde was holding back, his confident aura suppressed.

"Can-can I hug you?"

Soobin was nodding his head before he even managed to get the answer out, "Yes, yes... yes," he whispered, and Yeonjun swiftly made his way into Soobin's arms, pressing his cheek against the taller boy's shoulder.

Soobin could feel the boy's hands weakly gripping the sides of his shirt, fingers carefully treated in the fabric. Yeonjun felt weaker in some sense, Soobin couldn't understand why. 

"Soobin," Yeonjun started, "I-," he stiffened, noticing the blinds draped over the bedroom's windows. "Soobin, what have you done to your room?" the dismay in his voice evident, as he let go of the younger and rounder him, walked further into the room.

It was a wreck, to say the least, the walls shaded multiple tones darker than usual- the excessive amount of blinds struck over the windows at fault. That's where the true misery was unmistakable, if not on Soobin's face. It was his bare hands who had shielded him inside this darkness, with the bedsheets sprayed out and pillows tossed to different sides. The same as the first time Yeonjun had visited, there were empty paper cups on the table promising that at least the boy had eaten. 

"I didn't want you to see this," he gulped, turning. "I needed to get away."

"What have you been doing all this time?" Yeonjun's fingers traced the sides of the table, tapping on it anxiously a few times.

"Thinking."

Yeonjun exhaled a sharp breath and returned to Soobin's side, back to caress his cheek, "There is another reason why I came today." The blonde looked sad. Soobin guessed this was the very thing that weighed the other down today, creating the grey fog around his body. He wasn't ready to hear it, not now at least. 

"You mentioned that it's you who keeps making the wrong decisions, but... I have to disagree," Yeonjun let out a breathy laugh, the one that made the air and the corners of Soobin's lips heavier. "I keep acting, thinking my next move will be the right one, but it never is, isn't it?"

"What are you talking about?" He didn't need to look the other in the eyes to know the hurt they held. Yeonjun spoke as if he was trying his best not to fuck up, and Soobin's didn't think he deserved that.

"If whatever you're trying to achieve isn't working out in the way you're doing it, you need to start trying other ways," Yeonjun nodded. "This is the other way."

Soobin searched the blonde's face for answers but still couldn't find any. It was as if Yeonjun was standing right in front of him but miles away at the same time- Soobin hidden in the cave and Yeonjun swinging his legs from the moon.

"Explain to me, hyung."

"I came to say goodbye."

And then the moon was crashing into the room, the tides overflowing Soobin's thoughts, because what was that Yeonjun had just said? 

"I'm sorry I cut you out, I'm sorry, I- I know it was wrong," Soobin was panicking, scrambling to save the situation. "I wish I could tell you more, but you'd hate me, hyung."

"Soobin, this is not what it's about."

Soobin was fully aware of the vulnerability that shined thought as his frame started trembling. It was so stupid, god, Soobin was so stupid, but- during the past months, he had unconsciously lied his emotions in Yeonjun's hands. Now he was being stripped naked of them, of himself. In an ugly and twisted way, it reminded him of so many painful bearings he'd gone through in his life, previous to this moment. Deep inside, he knew this wasn't only about Yeonjun, this was about those fucking cycles of life repeating in the worst ways possible. He was losing everything again.

"No, no, let me tell you- I- I appreciate everything you've ever done for me. I don't know if you did it because you just needed a friend or because you knew it would help me get out of my shell, but I'm still grateful for it," Soobin took a hold of Yeonjun's hand and dragged it away from his face, coming closer to the older. "And I know I keep going backwards, and I hate myself for it. There are these things in my head that don't let me sleep, they don't let me breathe. But I can't show them to you, hyung, I can't. I'm selfish like that. Please-, " he grasped Yeonjun to pull him into a hug, but the blonde backed away.

"Soobin, for fucks sake it's not-," he sounded choked up, but Soobin couldn't stop, he was rubbing his eyes with his sleeves, frightened, trying to come up with words that would make it better.

Maybe it was the time spent alone, maybe it was the knot in his gut twisting itself tighter, but Soobin needed to feel the older, needed to apologise. The past days had been horrible, the past years have been laced with loneliness, guilt and loathing, but ever since that pathetic morning where a certain blue-haired-boy appeared in his life, it had become bearable. More than that. And now, it was all crashing down, playing out that one scene he has spent years trying to move on from. Soobin realised that he never wanted to live like that ever again. He had almost felt the sun on his skin, had seen the morning colours rise for the first time without the fear of another empty day. He was tired, exhausted, drained of himself.

"I'm so sorry I never meant to-"

"Soobin, I'm leaving." 

"You-you're what?" the younger drowned his words, replacing them with pure alarm. 

He met Yeonjun's eyes, and the older was crying- wet traces decorating his cheeks, reddened lips and eyelashes sticking to one another. When had this happened? When did Yeonjun start crying? Why was he leaving? Soobin's head was racing with concern. It had been years, -fuck- Soobin didn't remember the last time he felt such a way, but after seeing the blonde flushed with hurt, he couldn't help himself. The tears echoed, and a moment later they were crying together- confused, raw for one another.

"You-you're leaving me? I- I'm so sorry, Yeonjun, I never wanted to hurt you," he was wiping away the wetness as it streamed down. Since when he had something to lose?

Yeonjun was shaking his head, taking a few steps back until his sides hit the bedroom's desk. "You're not listening to me, Soobinie, please-," the boy's pleas filled with urgency.

"No, you're not listening to me," Soobin raised his voice, "I will change, okay? I will be better, but I can't tell you everything, not now, I can't,-" he was sobbing, the view in front of him blurred.

"Soobin!" Yeonjun braced himself and grabbed the younger by his shoulders, trying to still him.

"-y-you would hate me so much."

"I'm moving back to my parents' house!" 

Soobin chocked on his tears, "What the fuck? I-... I-..."

Yeonjun closed his eyes, "And I know about what happened."

Soobin stopped, eyes wide before breaking out of the older's grip, not letting Yeonjun touch him any more. "What do you mean?"

Yeonjun tried reaching out once again, but Soobin slapped his hands away. "Tell me what do you mean!" he nearly shouted.

"You were drunk, okay?! You were drunk, and you were vomiting that night, you fucking blacked out, Soobin!" 

"Oh my god."

"The first night I stayed over, you told me about it, you told me about Yuna."

Hearing the name made Soobin's knees go weak, and he slumped against the wall, slipping slowly down onto the ground.

"I tried to tell you, okay?!" Yeonjun sounded desperate, "I tried, but you- you kept saying how it's none of my business, I wanted to help you. You're the softest person I've ever met, and that's why you kept ruining your life. Not because you deserved it, but because you cared!"

"So this all- it was pity?!"

"Not- not all," Yeonjun gulped, helpless.

"Everything you ever told me, the thoughts you planted in my head, shit," Soobin hissed. "I thought you understood me. You lied to me?! Is that why you kept mentioning these things?!" Soobin shook his head, threading his shaky fingers through his hair.

"I do understand you, I- I tried to tell you. Beomgyu- "

"You told Beomgyu." It was a conclusion, not a question. 

Yeonjun pressed his palm against his forehead, not able to look at the other. "After that night-"

"Get the fuck out," Soobin cried, hiding his face behind the sleeves of his shirt.

"I don't hate you, Soobin! Can't you see, I knew everything right from the start, but I never hated you - I - I started feeling the opposite," his voice was weak.

"Get out, Yeonjun."

"We all make mistakes, Soobin!"

"I said, get out!" the boy shouted and Yeonjun complied. 

Soobin could hear the older tying his shoes, sniffling while doing so, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Not right now. He felt betrayed and embarrassed. So fucking embarrassed. Yeonjun had known everything all along, even Beomgyu and perhaps even Taehyun knew but they ended up treating him like a child, walking around on eggshells, keeping Soobin's own secret hidden from him, because what else? Soobin had led himself to this death with a sweet smile on his lips.

Just as the older was about to leave, the door handle clicked, and another pair of shoes hit the wooden floor of Soobin's apartment- unsure. 

"Yeonjun hyung?" It was Kai who sounded surprised, but it didn't last long, as his voice was stopped by a loud thump and a strange hiss. 

Soobin didn't look, staying put with his forehead against the top of his knees, but if he had to guess, he'd say the older had pushed Kai against the wall, the younger's head hitting it blatantly. 

"Why did you never do anything?!" The blonde's words weren't loud, yet Soobin could hear them from the other room- broken with sobs. Another thump. Kai was silent except for the sharp exhales and a few coughs. Soobin gritted his teeth and pressed the heels of his palms to his temples.

"Why the fuck did you just let him be?" The blonde sounded disappointed, demolished, and after having said that, Soobin heard the door to his apartment shut one last time. 

Kai didn't move from the hallway, didn't say a word. Yet by the slow shuffling of fabric, the fragmented breaths, Soobin knew they were both sitting on the floor against different walls- unmoving, defeated. 

If the cost of peace was a massacre, Soobin had never wanted it. The lightning had struck, now all there was left was silence.

\-----

Ryujin had always been around, taking Soobin's hand and dragging him to the edge of the world just for the thrill of it. He couldn't lie, he loved it wholeheartedly- the pretend freedom that tasted like acid each time he took a mouthful of it. It didn't matter though. Sometimes they had fun, sometimes they didn't, most of the time Soobin closed his eyes whenever the truth that their happiness came in the shape of a distraction surfaced.

That was what burned him at the end of it. He didn't belong by her side, didn't belong in the world they had sculptured for themselves. He wasn't even sure if it was her place to find solace as well.

But it had been fine until they got greedy. Until one day Ryujin stated with those sparks in her eyes that never gave out that she had found more creatures within the dark. The misunderstood, the ones who hated life as much as they wished it would hate them. That was when it got out of hand. That was when Soobin learned that silence pulled people like him underwater, and speaking up drowned them.

Jeong-hoon, the principal's son, had made his reputation as thunder no one should mess with, but not a soul had ever said anything about the consequences of making a disaster in the making your friend. Soobin got to study it the hard way.

First, it started as talking behind backs and spitting poisonous comments after classes, skipping lessons here and there- most importantly never getting in trouble. That was the privilege of working with the shadows that lucked above the ground. But what was fed, grew bigger, and soon after it turned into bruises that bloomed once skin found skin and tears that faulty healed words that stung. 

And Soobin watched it all go down. Every day. Without saying a word. 

That was how he had met Yuna. There hadn't been anything distinctive about her; she wasn't foolishly brave with a sharp tongue, didn't provoke the pain that awaited her. Soobin learned what it meant to be in the wrong place at the wrong time around two and a half years ago with her as an example.

"Soobinie, do you think she knows about our surprise?" Ryujin had asked one day. 

Soobin shrugged. He had more important things to ponder about, like the math exam at the end of the month and how to pass it.

They used to gift Yuna with many, many surprises. She was Jeong-hoon's favourite for a reason nobody spoke of, getting most of their attention. Soobin guessed one night it became too much for her. He didn't know how it felt back then, and honestly never got to fully feel it on his own skin. Not as powerfully, at least. The gifts he started receiving after her, came with less blood and alienation within them.

The news had spread quickly.

_ /"She hasn't been to school for days now."/ _

_ /"You think she's alright?"/ _

_ /"Are you dumb?"/ _

Soobin had never been the one who made the gifts, organised the surprises, but he knew beforehand, watched it all play out, went to the swings with Ryujin afterwards as if none of it mattered. As if Yuna's eyes didn't become muddier as weeks went by.

_ /"I heard she was taken to the hospital last night."/ _

_ /"You think she...?"/ _

_ /"Shut up, I don't want to get myself involved and then regret it."/ _

The first night Soobin hadn't slept because his hands kept trembling. He could have done something, he could have told the teachers, told her parents, he could have fucking been there for her, he could have fucking acknowledged that whatever they were doing was wrong. He couldn't stop blaming himself, loathing his very own existence. 

So he told the police, his parents promising to be by his side.

The principal had dealt with it within a day. Soobin dealt with it for years. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow my twt @/yoonkiboonki if u still wanna be friends after reading this ....  
> the next chapter will be the last :(


	13. with these things there's no telling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall...

The thing about forgiveness was that Soobin knew nothing about it. He knew about anger, embarrassment, apathy, fear and how to carry it all tucked away inside the chambers of himself. He knew how to detach from situations, knew how to pretend they never existed, how to await the burdensome thoughts and the feelings once they won him over, coming back and suffocating him in sleep. 

But he didn't know what it meant to let it all go. Not that he didn't want to- he was desperate to do so. If there had been a manual on how to forgive, Soobin would have learned to do it a long time ago, memorised it. But the resentment never stopped, the pandora's box of emotions was his to bear, and he had done it faulty, hardly,- the years of rolling in dust and wishing for another life stood as the proof. He guessed that there were elements in which people were talented in, that came easy to them, but some shattered into uncountable bits the moment the same people lifted a finger in their direction. 

Clumsy forgiveness. No, it felt more like clutching so intensely, keeping it locked inside the grip of a fist so powerfully, it all slipped out, spilt out. Soobin was left with nothing but the idea of how it felt to hold it- the emotional relief that forgiveness brought.

To forgive and be forgiven you had to own up and one up. Soobin has never been angry at Ryujin as he could always see the reasons, the wounds behind the girl's actions. It was the echo of her pain. Maybe he should have been upset- upset over his friend not caring if her decisions created holes in Soobin he didn't know how to fill or spitting filth his way when their games came crashing down, but he wasn't. He understood- and it allowed him to sift her wrongdoings as flour thought himself, lightly, tenderly. 

That left four people that he needed to forgive. His parents who never saw him for who he truly was- a child who needed affection, the nurturing kind, the soft and loving kind, the empathising. And most importantly forgive their decision to leave, go on with their lives when he needed them the most. Without a word moving away. Never asking or even fucking mentioning it to him beforehand. Yeah, he needed to forgive them for that.

Soobin had to learn to forgive himself, let life flow and not waste away, be soft and patient with his needs and wants. Forgive himself for his silence, the situations he overlooked. 

The boy had to come to terms with the fact that what had been done could not be undone. That all he could do about it was- reflect and wear the sins of his past as a badge pinned at his chest. A reminder of what being unconscious to your own pain did to others. Heal the sickness, move on. Soobin wanted to laugh at how impossible it seemed, but that hadn't done him any good in the past, so he kept his mouth shut.

And then there was Choi Yeonjun. The issue with the blonde was that Soobin wished he needed to forgive the boy in the first place, yet the feeling wasn't there- trapping him in a thick fog, disorientated. Maybe it was the dependence he had grown to the older or the emotions knotting themselves up in his stomach at a mere thought of him, but he felt no resentment. 

The difference between Yeonjun and Ryujin, the two lightning bolts, was that Yeonjun had known what he was doing, he had known the damage it would deal from start to finish. He chose to be silent, chose to keep Soobin's secret from himself. Ryujin had to own up to herself, but Yeonjun, on the other hand, had messed up big time. And as much as Soobin wanted to run back to him, leap into his arms, he knew he was thinking with his heart rather than his mind, and it wouldn't be the right choice. So he didn't.

The start of June was reeling in torrid, and Soobin was busy with exams. As much as the excitement of finally being free from the torturing restraint of school and all that came along with it was making his head spin, the boy couldn't find it in himself to feel wholeheartedly content. 

His parents were sending him text messages with the best rated universities in Seoul- /a  _ lawyer, an anesthesiologist, sweetie, what do you think about becoming a sales manager? Sounds exciting, doesn't it?/ _ \- he felt no initial flame igniting inside of him at the idea of his future being composed of that. Some people did, but he was not one of them. 

There were nights where, before falling asleep, Soobin would curse at the blonde for tearing him up and letting him taste the bittersweet and never lasting sense of happiness. Making him addicted, ruining the predictable, bland existence he had grown familiar with. Staining his mind, creating an idea that maybe Soobin was allowed to move on with his life, that everyone and their guardian angels didn't hate his guts for what he had done.

Other nights he let tears stream down his face before he hid them from the moon, rolling on to his stomach. Relief. The boy had shown him a glimpse of a better future, and now he couldn't stop yearning for it, knowing it was tangible. He had felt it only for a minute or two, but it was there, his pale fingers could reach it. Yeonjun had overlooked his past, he hadn't hated him. He had felt the opposite, and the younger let himself flood foolishly nauseous from hope.

Soobin spent the first half of June groaning at textbooks and biting the pink erasers attached to pencils. At the end of the day, his exam scores were all above average, but he couldn't care less. He had never done any of it for himself anyway.

What hurt the most was that even after everything, no one but Kai came to his graduation. Meaning, not even he, himself, went, and once the clock struck noon and the magical world of adulthood opened its gates to those who were definitely not as ready as they thought they were, meaning the ceremony had started, Kai had called him unamused.

"You're a bitchass, hyung," he deadpanned.

"You know, if you're gonna call me names, you can just drop the honorifics," Soobin sighed, laying on top of his bed, staring at the ceiling.

"You could have told me!" Kai exclaimed, "I bought you flowers!"

Soobin couldn't help but smirk, it was quite adorable, "Come over? I've got..." he sat upright, taking a glance out of the window where a few food vendors were frying a various set of meals, "chicken? Does chicken sound good?"

"Yeah, okay," Kai gave in, and Soobin hung up the call, reaching for his wallet. He figured he could just have the documents mailed to him if the younger doesn't think of picking them up for him. 

They were sitting in the tiny kitchen of Soobin's apartment, where the sun was starting to disappear, making its slow, glistening way into the other side of the world. Kai was dressed in a beige dress-shirt and dark pants, while the older laughed at him, teasingly, but accepting the bouquet of marigolds nonetheless. 

"Your lavender's dead," Kai pointed at the dried-up plant in the corner of the kitchen counter.

Soobin shrugged, "I never took care of it, it's no surprise. I'll get a new one."

They were stuffing their faces with fried chicken, too hot for this weather, but they couldn't complain. Drowning it with cold, fizzy drinks felt similar to a small congratulations party Soobin didn't know he needed, yet here he was- relishing it.

Truth be told, ever since Yeonjun had stormed out of his apartment, leaving them all in bits and pieces, nearly three weeks ago, Soobin felt calmer. Perhaps only a certain amount of unravelling could happen until he built a tolerance or perhaps it had something to do with the unplugging his rotten insides. Soobin could cry now. He could feel.

"Have you decided what you're going to do next?" Kai asked, sucking on his fingers, accidentally smearing sauce on his cheek.

"I don't think I'm going to do anything," Soobin replied while handing the boy a tissue, "I might get a job? I mean, I need to get a job. I don't think my parents will like the idea of taking a gap year."

Kai shook his head, "I don't think it will go as bad as you think it might. The love you lots, they're just-," he thought about it for a while, squinting his eyes, "dense?" Kai offered. "As long as you can make them believe it will be alright, they'll accept it. At least, that's how I see it."

Soobin nodded, the boy had a point. Both of them cared, wanted the best for him, that was why they let him go out so late with Ryujin and constantly pushed him to study, believed he would flourish living alone. They just never looked deeper into all of it, and he had been too hurt to speak up, waiting for the more mature ones to take responsibility for their mistakes. Yet they never did, thinking everything was fine, Soobin now realised.

"Yeah, I'll- I'll talk to them about it," he snapped out of his thoughts.

"So what kind of job are you thinking?"

"Maybe part-time? I saw a bar down the street looking for helpers whenever they," Soobin felt his words dissolve, "organised concerts." Was this too obvious? "You know, like, help with props and clean up afterwards, check Id's," he rambled off in a near whisper.

Kai lifted his eyes from the chicken, an apologetic expression on his face. "You wanna work with music?"

Soobin shook his head, a silent, "no."

"Want to learn to socialize better?" another try.

Soobin bit his lip and nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I- I thought it would,- you know,- improve my skills, and maybe I'd meet people, and..." he sighed, defeated, "no."

Kai sat back in his chair, "You want to talk about it? We haven't really-"

"No," Soobin interrupted. Ever since the explosion, he had kept it all to himself. Who could blame him? Soobin had felt shameful, then anxious, then confused, trying to fix everything not knowing what was there to fix, who was there to fix. 

"There is nothing to talk about." He picked up a tissue for himself, wiping his hands and lips clean. Soobin was long due to the understanding that some relations end abruptly, destructively, without proper conclusions. "I'm stupid for missing him." 

"You're not, hyung."

"Some people are like hurricanes, they come, they twist your life into something you could have never imagined for it to become, and then they leave," he continued, "and that's fine. That is the fate you share."

"Except he never wanted to leave, and you didn't want it either."

"Right," Soobin exhaled, tearing the tissue in strands and making a little pile of it on the table. He was aware of Kai's efforts to better himself, the older's words taking a toll on the latter.

"You know, I- I tried calling him a few days after it all happened, after that fight. Just to- ah- I don't know, apologies for shouting, for being pathetic, to beg for him to come back, to explain everything. I'm not sure what my intentions were, but the phone- his number- I think he changed it," Soobin added the last bit of tissue onto his pile. Letting thoughts be heard made them lighter on the mind, right? Or did it make them more real? "I know I could try to contact him through his music site, but I don't know how I feel about this all now. At first, I was desperate, now I'm,-" he laughed, "still desperate but calmer about it."

"So you're not sure if you want him back?" Kai asked, cautious.

"Yeah. I- I don't really know where we would go from here. I don't even know if anything is possible with him being gone. I have no idea what is going on, I didn't let him explain that day." Soobin let his head fall downwards against his palms, elbows propped against the wooden top.

"Have you talked to his friends?"

"Taehyun messaged me, but I never replied."

Kai sighed, "Message them," he opened another can of a lime flavoured fizzy drink and pushed it closer to Soobin before opening one for himself, "Even if it's only for answers."

Soobin raised his head, taking a sip from the can. "I guess so," he agreed but knew he wouldn't do it anyway. 

"And what about that job? Do you want me to help you find one that you truly could enjoy?"

"I- ... yeah, thanks, Kai."

The boy smiled in sympathy, "It's nothing. I've done my share of being silent. Hyung was right, I should have done something, said something. I saw you suffer for years but kept silent, I- I just - I thought you didn't want to talk about it, and It would be enough if I -"

"Stop," Soobin interrupted, "Kai, stop. You were - are - a child. Hyung was acting out of line, he shouldn't have said what he did."

Kai seemed to think about it for a while, opening and closing his mouth, wanting to say something but stopping each time he came close to it. "Fine," he cleared his throat, "okay, I won't blame myself. But I'll do better from now on."

"Not a kid anymore?" Soobin teased weakly, but they both knew how much it meant for him, for both of them. It was a new start to their relationship, and it felt freeing. 

"No, I mean, unless that means I have to stop watching Molang. Then still a big kid," Kai beamed, "The biggest kid."

"Yeah, I thought so," Soobin let out a chuckle and ruffled the boy's hair. Kai wasn't the only one who had to apologise though, "Actually, I think I should tell you that I'm sorry for putting you under so much stress and pressure while being around me. But I appreciate everything you've done."

"We're getting sappy here," Kai let out the hysterical laughter that Soobin loved so much, a sign that that was it for this conversation. Both of them not used to such openness yet.

And as days went on- coming with a softer breeze, a more relaxed one-, the responsibility of test scores now gone, Soobin recognised that he couldn't stop thinking about everything, still baffled by Yeonjun's sudden decision to leave, wondering if he was at fault. 

Exams had let him muffle these emotions down, but now Soobin felt misplaced, awkward. The suspicion that the arteries connecting his heart to his brain had been rearranged with no going back harder to ignore, yet the weight in his heart didn't let him try to contact the blonde again. It didn't feel right, and, in a way, Soobin didn't feel ready to take such a step. If it meant catching himself gazing into nothingness for longer than socially acceptable, burning his food or wasting extra water while taking a shower, he was fine with that. 

The end of June came quicker than he anticipated, the weather drying out the streets, dust settling on the boy's windowsills. There were perks and cons when it came living in the middle of the city, just as anywhere else. This- plus the summer noisiness, the drunk foreigners stumbling through the streets- were the aspects of it that Soobin hated the most. The air felt suffocating. 

On the bright side, it didn't take long for him to find a decent job- Kai and his mother helping. 

It was a part-time job at a small video game store two quarters away from his place. It seemed fitting, as Soobin knew about games, had played a bunch of them while self-isolating for the past years and the customers didn't come that frequently, so the socializing was limited. And God bless the sweet release of a decent air conditioner. 

His hair had grown into a mullet at this point, making the boy groan from the extra heat. He had even started pulling his hair up in a tiny bun, until his mother noticed it, and demanded that he finally cut it, which he did. Because he wanted to, not because she told him so.

It all sort of worked out- the job, the gap year,- his parents unsure about his decision, yet understanding. Soobin thought perhaps they were taken aback by the way he suddenly stood up for himself for the first time in his life. 

Their situation was still unclear, the ache in his soul for what they had done evident each time they talked, but he tried not to let those feelings get the best of him. They paid for his apartment and food like they always had, and Soobin could use the extra money he earned for his own pleasure. 

He busied his days reading the backs of video game disks, admiring cute anime figurines and watching dramas on his phone while the shop was empty. It was a refreshing place, the blue led lights blinking above his head, soft pop tunes as the background music. 

Kai visited here and there, complimenting him on his new haircut and dragging Soobin out for a wardrobe change, pushing the latter to throw out all of his old clothes. Sometimes Soobin felt like he didn't deserve it, other times he knew Kai could do whatever he wanted to with his free time. The grey was switched to light blue, the basics to some nicer, collared shirts that made the boy feel a tad bit more confident. 

It felt like a new start. Not exactly an ecstatic, magical, super insanely exciting one, but surprisingly a pleasant one in contrast to his life before. Now that school was over, he could maintain a healthy distance from Ryujin and her group, as they mainly spent time in the outskirts of Seoul. The nightmares had faded, the only evidence of them was the voice of the unoccupied side of his bed asking for warm skin, the cassette player and the few children's books his hyung had bought just to read to him before they went to sleep. 

Even the shadows had backed off, shifting back into the plain absence of light they were supposed to be from day one. The moon rose and went down unbothered by the boy's presence. It seemed as if the world he had lived in had pushed him out, severed him from itself so suddenly.

Still, a month and a half later, Soobin couldn't stop the thoughts of what was missing.

At the beginning of July, right when the annual monsoon hit, Soobin was running home drenched, -cursing- as his umbrella had broken from the wind on his way to work. The weather was humid, and the high temperature made it hard to breathe. The rainfall didn't seem like it would stop any time soon, so he found shelter in a small cafe a street away from where his apartment stood, later noticing it was the same cafe he and Yeonjun had met the day after his infamous blackout. 

It was a bookstore type cafe now, it seemed that the owners had renovated the place. Instead of the everyday modern space, the walls were packed with shelves holding various journals and hard-back books that the visitors could purchase, and Soobin was making a puddle right in the middle of it all. He sighed, eying the long line by the cash register. The cafe had gained popularity, he assumed.

By the entry hung a corkboard- colourful pins keeping booklets and posters up,- and Soobin squinted his eyes to take a closer look, a moment later giving up and coming to stand beside it. The line to order was too slow-moving anyway, he wouldn't miss the chance to get the milkshake he noticed advertised on the windows outside.

The posters were mostly for the summer events taking place around the country, some were for clubs and bands searching for new members, a few displayed photos of bikes being sold for lower prices, some offering help in tutoring. At the corner of the board, pinned up with a red plastic butterfly was a postcard sized poster- if you could even call it that- which caught Soobins attention.  _ Come join us! Starting in September!  _ read the last line written in bright blue. The boy bit his cheek, unsure, yet he swiftly unpinned the paper sign, folding it in half and placing it in the back pocket of his jeans.

"That's an interesting choice," a familiar voice suddenly interrupted his peace, making Soobin spin around in alarm. "Also, I don't think you're supposed to take the ads with you, but I won't question it," Taehyun grinned at him.

Soobin felt a ball of guilt forming in his throat as he opened his mouth to speak. "Sorry." He looked down at his soaked shoes. It had been a month since he last ignored the boy's texts.

"You don't have to apologise, I didn't want to join anyway. Not really my thing," Taehyun replied, but Soobin knew they both were aware of what he had meant. "Wanna take a seat? Beomgyu can wait for his coffee a bit," he gestured at an empty table at the back of the cafe. 

Soobin hummed, guessing he didn't have an option either way. Perhaps he owed the latter an explanation, perhaps he didn't, but he felt like he should explain and apologise for disappearing. Teahyun and Beomgyu had been nothing but kind to him, but the embarrassment was still there, dried up under the tips of his nails- Soobin was sure they had known about his secrets all along, the older seeking advice from them.

"You come here often?" Taehyun asked, taking one of the coffee cups out of the cardboard holder and offering it to the other boy. "You look like you need something warm, here."

Soobin thinned his lips, shaking his head. He didn't like bitterness, didn't like taking things from people he already felt in debt to. "It's fine, thanks," he refused. "And no, actually, only ever been here once."

"It's Beomgyu's favourite place," the younger grinned, "though they changed it all up, the menu is still the same."

Soobin bit his lip, nodding, not raising his eyes from the table separating them. "Taehyun, I-"

"Don't," he laughed, bending his head to the side, trying to get the boy's full attention, making Soobin snap his gaze up and meet his eyes. Soobin noticed a temporary tattoo- or what was left of it- on the younger's neck. A crescent moon fading away. Soobin eased up a tiny bit.

"I'm not upset, neither is Gyu," Taehyun continued. "I'm sorry if this is not my business, but Yeonjun hyung mentioned your uh," he tapped the tabletop a few times searching for the right words, "situation, so we knew you probably needed some time alone."

Soobin gulped.

"He ran to us pretty distraught that day, barged into Gyu's apartment, sent some stuff flying before picking them all up and placing them back into their places," Taehyun grinned without worry, remembering the scene. "He had already told us a few days before he met up with you about moving back to work for his parents, so-"

"Huh?" Soobin raised his eyebrows, pushing a strand of hair away from his face. "Working? But what about the producer opportunity?"

Taehyun looked at him confused. "He didn't explain?" And Soobin wanted to hide behind his palms. He shouldn't have reacted as he did, shouldn't have thrown the latter out.

Taehyun sighed seeing Soobin's panicked expression, the confusion and utter loss evident, "Do you want to come over to Gyu's place? We could talk there."

Soobin brought his hands to his thighs, rubbing them in stress, wondering if he should agree. It was clear he wouldn't stop thinking about the older, overanalysing every detail until he heard the truth, had an explanation for all that happened. What troubled him was the salt that would inevitably get poured into the scars, making them sting again, raw, opened. Call him a coward, but Soobin was mortified of getting struck, of making a fool of himself again. There was a slight possibility that if Soobin tried hard enough, he could flip the page to the next chapter and go ahead with his life, dulling out the memories of the two of them, but that wasn't what he craved.

"Fine," he finally complied. "I- okay- I would like that."

Taehyun got out his phone, typing out a message; Soobin guessed to alert Beomgyu of his visit, and they were out the door, shielded by a single umbrella the latter carried. 

The walk didn't take long, only a few minutes of jumping over puddles and hoping not to get soaked all over again. The rainfall was starting to simmer down, and Soobin, maybe for the first time in his life, thanked the ones in charge up above for not making a bigger mess of him, his shoes squeaking with every step. 

When they entered the apartment, Soobin couldn't help but remember the spring night, the first time he saw his hyung perform and how they had shared thoughts on the dirty pavement outside. How he had given in and let the boy stay over, how he had broken down half an hour later- petrified, feeling undeserving of what life had to offer. Oddly, the hyperbolic emotions didn't feel like his anymore, distant and close to unfamiliar.

Beomgyu beamed pulling Soobin in a tight hug first thing after seeing him. "You both are stupid," he murmured in annoyance, and Soobin rolled his eyes but smiled just the same.

"The coffee is cold," Taehyun acknowledged after taking a sip and handing the other cup to his boyfriend, as they all went to settle in Beomgyu's room. 

It hadn't changed at all, except now the windows were opened wide, and sunlight was sweeping in through the parting clouds, reflecting on the guitar lying on the boy's bed. Soobin sat down on the floor, legs bent in front of him, nibbling on his fingers.

"You sure you don't need a change of clothes?" Beomgyu asked, and Soobin shook his head, he was fine. "How have you been? It's been a while," the younger questioned with a tinge of amusement in his voice.

Soobin could see why Beomgyu and Yeonjun got along so well, his ears turning red from embarrassment. "I'm okay, gonna take a gap year to figure myself out," he looked up at the other two, their faces full of interest.

"That sounds good," Beomgyu replied while he and Taehyun settled in front of him. "We've been mostly doing the same old- you know- making music and all of that jazz," he gestured to the guitar on the bed and sighed. "Maybe you could join us some other day as well? Can you sing, hyung?"

Soobin coughed, not expecting such a proposal, "maybe some other day, yeah."

The two grinned, before continuing, "So, have you tried reaching out to him?"

"Yeah," he spoke quietly, abruptly feeling out of place, "the texts didn't go through, but I only tried a few days after I last saw him. And you?"

Beomgyu hummed, "I think his parents took his phone away, he did mention it as a possibility. It's so dumb, he's fucking twenty-"

"Why did he go back?" Soobin interrupted, and Beomgyu exhaled a deep breath.

"He didn't have enough money to pay for the schooling. Even if he had stayed here juggling those two jobs, he had rent to pay, had food to buy, occasional transport. Seoul is not a cheap place," Beomgyu sat back fully into the computer chair, swiping his black hair frustrated. "He figured now that he had a real offer, something his parents could possibly accept as a respectable career, he could try persuading them into paying for it. Either that or his other option would have been to show up last minute at the company and try to talk them into giving him more time for payment. But that smears the reputation, and you know how Yeonjun can get."

Soobin felt like banging his head against the wall a few times. Yeonjun could have just asked for his god damned help, they could have figured it out together, he got enough money from his parents, he - 

Soobin had locked himself away during that time. Yeonjun didn't have a chance of asking even if he had wanted to. Soobin closed his eyes, tears of frustration threatening to flood over.

"Before he left, he called. Said how his father wanted him back, wanted Yeonjun hyung to prove himself- whatever that meant-," Beomgyu scoffed. "He sounded unsure but mostly positive. That was the last time I heard from him, though. I suspect they don't even allow him access to the internet. It's a bunch of bullshit, honestly."

Soobin felt Taehyun shift off the bed, plopping next to him on the floor and placing a comforting hand on his knee. He opened his eyes, staring down at the boy's hand. It was shameful how easily he cried nowadays.

"Hyung is..." Beomgyu gestured, trailing off, searching for the right description.

"A great guy," Taehyun finished, amused by the lingering, and the other two nodded. It was difficult to outline the blonde.

"Yeah, yeah, a great guy," Beomgyu laughed. "But Yeonjun is someone who's very sensitive. He acts so turbulently because of that. And, if I had to be honest, I don't think he was on the right path until he ran into you."

Soobin raised an eyebrow. He was definitely not made of the same matter that Yeonjun was, that Rryujin was. He didn't strike, he moulded, perhaps poured on a good day. 

"I don't get it."

Beomgyu nodded, "You see, hyung ran away, he clutched to whatever he could to make his dreams come true. I've only known him for a bit over a year, but I don't think he has had any other friends than us. He was always putting his all into work, into filling some voids, so overpowered by his passions it made him blind."

"When he came to my apartment and kept spacing out- it was on the same day you met at the cafe, after that- I don't think he had ever seen pain like that in someone else," Beomgyu confessed, and Soobin knew what that meant. He had been right, the others new. "Yeonjun hyung is careless, he's reckless, he had been shielded from life until he broke free and lost control, but he has never been empty. He's far from that, and I think after seeing you like that, so - defenceless - he got smacked in the face by reality."

"Which is?" Soobin gulped, wiping off a tear.

"That he had fucked up," Taehyun squeezed Soobin's knee, retrieving his hand.

Soobin glanced between the two, "What do you mean? The overworking, the destructive hookups?" He didn't understand.

"I'm going to tell you something you don't want to hear," Beomgyu exhaled, bringing his feet on to the chair and grabbing them with his palms. He looked small and youthful like that- childish even. "It might not seem like my place to say this, but I know he wanted to explain everything. After a while, he just got scared you would leave."

Soobin felt his heart rate speed up, making the boy's head dizzy. He wondered if coming here today was a mistake.

"Yeonjun had one thing in mind- which was his one love and freedom- his art. The boy didn't care much about other stuff and how he managed it all, hence why when he first met you, when he took care of you - while you were ill, afterwards Yeonjun... he confessed to me that there were moments where he thought he could use you," Beomgyu said while cradling his feet. 

"He told me you were good looking, young, lived alone in the centre, which meant you had money. But-," the boy sighed, bringing his palm to his forehead, "he confessed that he quickly came to understand how messed up that was. Started doubting his morality, then feeling sorry for you, wanting to help, wanting to better himself, then, well, during it all developing feelings for you and losing himself in this limbo of telling the truth or not."

Somewhere in the midst of it, Soobin had stood up to walk to the open window, the wind tossing his hair to different sides. He felt drained, not caring about the tears streaming down his cheeks anymore. That was why when he had asked, Yeonjun hadn't denied pity was partly there, at fault for their meetings, misadventures. Yet it was one of the very first things he had told the older, frustrated- mostly at himself- the morning after the spilling of his secrets. 

_ /"I don't need your pity, that's the last thing I want from anyone."/ _

But as much as he wanted, he couldn't feel angry, he simply was not capable of it. Soobin felt stupid, like the biggest loser there had ever lived, yet after a deep breath and a careful  _ Soobin hyung?  _ in the background, he turned around bearing his reddened face. 

"He's going to come back, right?" he sniffed, voice hoarse. "The days, they- they feel so fucking empty."

Taehyun swiftly passed him a water bottle, which had stood by the bed, asking Soobin to drink some, while Beomgyu unlocked his phone, scrolling through it abruptly. 

"Ahh, well," Beomgyu raised his phone for Soobin to see its screen, showing the latter an old forwarded email. "I have his address. I don't think a sudden visit would do him good, but if you're up for it, you could try sending a letter?"

\-----

It was bleeding twilight, when Soobin got home, undeniably muddled about what he should do. He had written down the address- without promises- saved it on his phone. To contact Yeonjun was tempting as much as terrifying, and Soobin was at a loss of words. And even after knowing everything, all the bullshit his hyung had got himself into, the hiding, the shame Soobin felt, he wasn't offended or furious.

Soobin wondered if they could start over again or if that would count as running away, forgetting the elephant in the room. Wondered if Yeonjun cared about seeing him after being thrown out of Soobin's apartment with little to no respect. Being met with the younger's face would be a reminder of all of the dilemmas and anxiety of their month's spent together. 

Soobin called Kai later that night, watching the now foreign moon through his window, knowing it was troubling someone else as he lied in his bed, the cool side of a pillow pressed against his still puffy face. 

"So what are you going to do about it, hyung?" Kai asked sleepily, yet the concern evident in his voice. They had started sharing their thoughts more regularly these days- thankfully so. 

"What if he doesn't want to talk to me? Maybe I should just wait until he comes back and has his phone and social media accounts back and running," Soobin guesses seeing the boy eye to eye was better than wishing his words written on a piece of paper would reach him. 

"Please," the latter dismissed. "Send him that letter."

Soobin deflated, "What if he wants to be alone? What if he doesn't want to see me anymore? What if he thinks the letter is stupid?"

Kai yawned, "Soobin hyung, from what you've told me, this guy took you plane-gazing, sings love songs for a living, without thinking twice saved a lost puppy and has inspirational quotes concerning every possible misfortune stored at the back of his mind. If you sent him a handwritten love letter he might cry from happiness," the boy laughed. "If not, he would at least know to appreciate it."

"Right," the boy nodded, ignoring the 'love letter' part, "but maybe this separation is good? He will come back later, won't he?" Will he? Soobin didn't know.

"Just do it," the younger encouraged hearing the worry in his friend's voice, "the worst he could do is burn it."

Soobin's parents had taught him as a child that patience was a virtue, that time had the power to soften the least favourable of situations and emotions. They had just failed to mention that time had a habit of trying to eat up everything in its way, swallowing more than Soobin could bear. Or was it Soobin who was banging at time's door to let him in while the air around him stayed silent? He was moving erratically, and in one early warm-toned morning, it accrued to him that he knew what was happening.

It took another two long weeks for Soobin to gain confidence, come to the conclusion that Yeonjun's absence was the very thing that made his insides wrinkle up. As if he hadn't known it all along. 

He just - he didn't want to do it in the need for the other, because he didn't need Yeonjun. Soobin could man up and live the rest of his life the way it was right now, create a new scenery out of what he had and what was to come his way. But he didn't want to. During the last two months, Soobin had decided that he didn't want a lot of things.

Didn't want to oppress himself, didn't want to please his parents and then feel empty inside, overlooked. Didn't want to keep his mouth shut, and most importantly, didn't want to have Yeonjun back just to make the same mistakes again. He was sick of it.

Once August came, Soobin swallowed his fears and sent two messages that had the potential to change his life, and finally called the fucking cops on the man across the road deceiving his customers.

Then, he spent the rest of the summer wishing for miracles.

\-----

08/03

Hyung.

This is me, Soobin, your friend. I wanted to talk to you, wanted to apologise for everything, so Beomgyu gave me this address, he also explained a lot of things. I hope both this letter and my words reach you, and that you're doing okay.

I shouldn't have shouted at you, shouldn't have thrown you out of my house like that, should have let you explain. I am not angry at you, and truth be told I never was, I just... I got scared. And Embarrassed. I felt as if I was losing everything all over again.

I've been thinking a lot and doing a lot, and I feel more tired than I've ever been but in a good way. I feel like I'm moving forward.

I won't chase happiness, I still don't fully think it's possible, you know,- to live in a prolonged state of happiness. But after everything, after being left alone, after choosing to lock myself away even more and learning that alone was all I ever was in the first place- unseen, unheard, misunderstood, used- I don't think I want that anymore. I might sound greedy, but I want to be acknowledged. 

I don't want to say you are the reason I feel like this now, cause even if you came and pulled me out of my room and showed me the world, it was still my choice to open my mind and follow these steps after you had left. And I did. In desperation. In a way, I think I was desperate for this freedom since my first breath- you, (if you would like that, if you don't think this is too much or too weird to say) I am hoping will be my last. 

I want to live with authenticity, I want to be real. I want to feel shit, and I want to feel scared, and I want to feel grateful for all of those emotions no matter what strings of my heart they pull. 

I want to share that with you for as long as you'll let me. Thank you for allowing me to die and be born again, thank you for sticking around no matter what your intentions were, what you saw in me or wanted to see in me.

I know there will come a day where I might want to hide away once more, where I might want to hand my secrets to the night and pretend to be a shadow within it, but I am not scared anymore. I've learned that pain is not my home, I don't need to live in it or lose myself- pain is a part of said home, and I am allowed to roam free. I know my path back to the sunlight. I know the path to me.

So in a way, I am writing this to tell you that (if perchance you need to hear this)- I forgive you. And I miss you. Choi Yeonjun, I miss you so fucking much. 

I am not full yet, and maybe I'll never be, but if you'd like to, I want to share all of me with you. 

I don't know where I'm headed, I don't know who I will become through this path but would you please come with me?

I miss you 

I miss you 

I miss you 

Choi Soobin.

  
  
  


\-----

08/09

Soobin, if I told you it's 2 am, and I can't sleep cause I miss seeing your face so much it's splitting me into halves, would you believe it? I saw your letter while bringing in the mail, and thought I was hallucinating. 

How is everyone? How are Beomgyu and Taehyun? I want to apologise to Kai, to you in person. Did you finish your exams? Did you sign up for university? I'm so glad you sent me this. Forgive me, I don't have my phone, my parents took it away, but I was planning on seeing you first thing when I got back, even if you would have just shut the door in my face. I had to.

My parents are overworking me, but your words gave me strength. I miss you more than you could ever imagine. When I'm sorting documents, cleaning- I'm not there, I am with you even in my dreams. Can you feel that? Hold on to it for a while. After that, I'll go with you wherever life takes us for as long as it lets me. I don't want to write my thoughts, I want to tell them to you in person.

I think they're going to pay for the schooling. I think this all might just work out.

-Yeonjun

  
  
  


\-----

08/13

When are you coming back? I'll be there, I'll wait for your train.

Everyone is alright, we're taking good care of each other and can't wait to see you. 

I haven't dreamed in a while, I thought I got lucky, but now, after reading this, I'm upset. I want to hold your hand. I'm blushing while writing this but I mean it.

Choi Soobin

  
  
  


\-----

08/17

Two days ago I saw a white cat with black dipped paws. It made me think of Leia and you. 

I'm coming back at the end of August. Will you wait for me a bit longer? Once I get my phone, I'll send you the details. I miss you, Soobinie. 

\- Yeonjun

  
  
  


\-----

Altogether, it's easy to get used to what does not fit right. Effortless to slip into self-pity, put on the uniform made by others who carried the same fears of taking the first step into their own, self-made direction. It's effortless to be afraid, to become immobile, to silently boil with self-hate instead of punching fate and the person you've become in the face- with meaning. It's easy to be a martyr, to fool yourself, to tear down your soul to make it unconscious, silence its bewilderment for being misplaced in the world.

Except, it's not.

Because the ache, the disgust, the feelings of not being in control, the desperation, the wishing for a saviour won't end. The thoughts of "maybe it will get better one day" won't, the subconscious search for relief won't. The pleasing others won't. The blaming yourself or anyone else who dares to breathe for every little god damned thing won't. It won't!

It only will get louder and louder, until the "you" will become only that- a being of disorder, leftovers of what was once meant to be someone.

And Soobin didn't want that, he didn't desire to be that anymore. He was outright sick of it. There were memories inside of his head that he might never be able to forgive himself for, but that was his punishment, not all the added misery he had put himself through. 

It was another rainy day when Soobin was dragging his soaked feet through the train station, bumping shoulders with strangers who glared back at him and his wet form. Stupid umbrellas could go to hell for all he cared, he was ready to carve a rain totem and pray to it regularly instead of using one of those fuckers who broke three days after first use in this shit weather. And it was another day where the world around him didn't quite understand what went on in his heart- at least that was how he felt- when the splatter of drops echoed slowly in contrast to his distressed heart.

Soobin was heaving in panic.

He had woken up at least four times before his alarm clock had rung, indicating that there were approximately five more hours until the Big Bang was scheduled to go off and send him into outer space. Then, he had washed his hair with body wash, and brushed his teeth twice,- honestly, Soobin wasn't sure about the right count number of this morning activity. Maybe he had done it three times? Who knew. And to top it all off, he had left his apartment an hour - an hour- too early, wanting to grab some refreshing drinks on his way to the train station, but had split them all over himself a few moments later. His newly bought sky blue shirt now ruined. 

So fuck the umbrellas and the drinks, and all the people doing double takes to look at his wrecked state. He didn't care. Choi Soobin didn't give a single fuck about any of that today as he marched- eyes wide- through the crowd.

A rail squeal indicated that another train had arrived, the station flooding with passengers eager to get off the platform, and Soobin felt his heart drop. He raised himself on fingertips, overlooking the expansive space, searching. 

And then, a glimpse of blonde brittle hair bouncing from confident steps, later, the day became bright, and the sun started shining, and everyone around him stopped to give way, or maybe Soobin was pushing through them too harshly. 

Soobin raised his hand, shouting out a name, and the blonde stopped to turn his head and smile in his direction. It was wide and mischievous, secretive and so annoying, and Soobin was running, shoes squeaking, until he bumped into the older hands flung around him in an embrace.

Yeonjun gasped, having to take a few steps back from the impact, but let the wet-clothed boy nuzzle into him, mirroring the motion. Soobin felt the latter drop his bag on the floor, press a heated cheek against the side of his neck and reach out to cradle his hands into the latter's hair- warm, in all forms Yeonjun was warm.

The embrace didn't last long, Soobin detaching himself before pulling out his phone and shoving it in the older's face. Yeonjun looked at him amused, letting one of his hands stay flat on the younger's chest.

"This is the first thing you're telling me?" The blonde questioned, but his expression was full of something gooey and sweet, loving.

It was a confirmation email with blue lettering at the end, stating that the acting classes he had signed up for had accepted his entry.

Soobin wanted to cry, "Yeah," he rubbed at his eyes, proud of himself. Yeonjun simply laughed, Soobin thought he looked happy.

"Gonna try to be someone, gonna try being me," he sniffled, last words a mush, as Yeonjun pressed him back into his arms.

"I missed you, Soobinie," he whispered.

"I missed you too."

"I'm so proud of you."

"I'm so proud of you, too," Soobin spoke into the blonde's hair, his face buried by the light strands. "So it worked out? You're gonna stay now?"

Yeonjun nodded, still not letting go, "Yeah, yeah, it's okay now. I don't think my parents are delighted, but they transferred the money. It's not going to be easy at first, but-," the boy brought his hands up, taking hold of Soobin's cheeks, "but we'll make it through together, right? If you would like that."

"Yeah," Soobin whispered back, acknowledging the depth of his hyung's worlds.

Another train signalled departure, the station emptying by the minute, hunched bodies brushing past theirs.

"Do- uh- do you want to go home with me?" Soobin asked, shy.

Yeonjun chucked, picking up his bag and reaching to hold the latter's hand. "Yeah, let's go, Soobinie."

And that was the start of his story- their story- made up from shadows and lightning storms that bloomed into trust and something daringly similar to miracles, untouchable by anyone else.

By the time the clouds cleared up, and they reached Soobin's apartment, Yeonjun had apologised way too many times, and Soobin thought he heard the bells in the distance twice the count. He decided to keep it to himself for now, his pulse racing at the vivid realisation. 

It was going to be okay, they were going to be okay. 

After everything, the chaos, the emptiness, the guilt, the loneliness- Soobin was glad to live to see this day, and he couldn't wait for what was more to come.

\-----

Thank you :)

Now listen to this [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1YwrnKnGUw&ab_channel=BrightEyes-Topic) and sob with me 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> umm so .... when i started writing this, it was supposed to be a cute short story about soobin being treated as shit by life but then after some reflecting growing into this pretty swan. which now looking at this- its 100% not that. its soobin never taking himself or rather never knowing how to take himself seriously and then realising that perhaps life and he arent that bad and that he deserves to be faultly but still alive  
> having said that,,,, i never imagined this would turn into the semi-autobiography that it is now. as much as this is an au for a kpop band which i think is neat- i do hope some of u will take something useful out of reading it. life sucks and it will probably suck all the time but u have the power to make it suck less, and i hope u use that in ur advantage or u know - do none of it cause its ur life :D thank u for reading, it means a lot to me !!!  
> Here's another song which i thought reflected this au quite a bit The Velvet Underground - I'll be your mirror 
> 
> also, if u r suffering from insomnia- i recommend writing. this truly helped me. 
> 
> follow me on twt @yoonkiboonki if u wanna be friends or see new au's being posted. some people also said they were a bit too shy to msg me for a while so i made a cc where u can just talk to me without actually talking to me lol u can find the link on my twt


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